Welcome to Temporal Dysfunction, a place for news. Nothing more. Nothing less. You won't get anything groundbreaking. Hell, some of it may even be old to you. What can be promised is that it won't be the same old same old. Think of it as your mini dose of the SDM ezine. Still concentrated, but just not so much of it. We're always open for new talent, so if you think you can hack out something for this bit of nothingness, drop something here.

9.28.98
I just got finished conjuring up this thought.  amerikans are behind Clinton because...

They feel guilty about the possibility of doing the same thing.  Of course, that can easily go the other way, but I like to think I'm right.

This is why Watergate was so bad because more people had been robbed than those who had robbed.  Now that you know that, go and hate Clinton.

(Editor's Note: We are not all against Clinton.)

We want to take SDM in a different direction.  Let us know how.

In the meantime, come up with some local slang and send it in with the meaning.  We'll turn it into a game or something.  Send it here.

9.25.98
Since we were primarily on the topic of tv for the week, let me mention NewsRadio.   A beautiful tribute to a comic genius.  I know we are supposed to live in a world of sdm induced psuedo cool around here and not give a damn about dead people, especially celebrities, but I can tell you this much:  There probably isn't a single person who hasn't written for sdm, read sdm, or heard of sdm who hasn't liked Phil Hartman for one thing or another.  He was an f'n genius, and it is sad that the next generation will not really have to pleasure of knowing who in the hell this man is.   Hats off to the writers of NewsRadio and a true no. 1 for one of the greatest.

Speaking of legends...

FoxXy our movie attack dog went all out this week for reviews and sent a bit to go hand in hand with the review done for Urban Legend.  As usual, reading it could straighten out your day.  Maybe.

Check out a review for Urban Legends and Ronin.

9.22.98
Before getting started, let me state for the record that as an amerikan citizen I am embarrassed to have that person as a president.  It's not the acts committed that embarrass me, it's fact that he can't act like a grown man and 'fess up to them.

That is all you will get from us about Clinton for this week.  Onto the tv.

Picking up where I left off, a show that should have some pizazz is something about The Army.  It stars The Higgins Boy, John Sencio, Toby Huss (Artie, the strongest man... in the world), and that other shoe guy from Married... With Children.  Not only that, but there's a hint of Sgt. Bilko.

Now for that 70's based show.  Some pot, a cynic, and a guy working on english.  It almost sucks.  I don't know why not.  Next.

Living in Captivity & The Hughleys offer something.  Black folks in white neighborhoods.  Funny enough.  With all the hype, I thought Captivity was about some twisted suburbia, now that I know that's it's another black vs self show, I hate it.  The Hughleys has promise because a black man with black kids in a white neighborhood is always funny to me.  Only because I'm living the reverse.  White kid, black neighborhood.  I thought it was funny then too.

Forgive the lack of humor this go round.  That guy with power has pissed me off, big time.

9.21.98
Before we get into tv, if there's is anyone who can do a bit on the video deposition, release, and all that good stuff concerning Clinton, send it right here.  You'll get proper credit, and people will come from miles around to adore you.

Now for part 1 of this great expose on the new fall season.

First off, I want to issue a death threat to the bastard who is making me do this: Paul B. Whitley.  Damn you.  It's cruel and inhumane, and if I didn't go with your sister, you would regret it.

Since I'm going to hate this, let me start with the two things I hate most: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.  They have careers that won't quit and unfortunately WE have to suffer.  In a nutshell, the commercials summize it as a single father (who is a professor) with twins who happens to get hooked up with a student via the twins.  I knew they were bad luck and I get the feeling that this horror is horrible.

Will & Grace.  Remember Ned & Stacy?   Same premise.  Unlikely couple.  A mixed Odd Couple.   Attractive woman, gay man.  The movie comes out every year.  I liked Ned & Stacy.  I'll hate this one. 

And closing it up is The Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer.  Talk about revision.  Abe Lincoln's smart ass butler.  Should it come as a surprise that UPN is putting it out?  If I sound racist forgive me, but must there be a "homeboy" character everywhere?  Outerspace, white neighborhoods, and now history.  If anything, I'm sick because shit like this is dragging down years of civil rights.  And on top of that, who in the hell wants to watch a sitcom involving Abe Lincoln?

That's it for today, catch me tomorrow.  Hopefully, I won't get carried away.

9.20.98
It has come to my attention that bombing suspect, Eric Rudolph, has been linked to the Olympic bombings through the purchase of gunpowder.  Normally, I wouldn't care enough to mention it, but wasn't Richard Jewell accused and tried before a media of his peers?   I just don't get how they found evidence to convict Rudolph when they were so damn certain that once upon a time Jewell did it. 

Now for the important stuff.  Just once, I want to see an athiest win Miss America.  Why are we always getting sunday school teachers?  Seriously, I think the ladies are bs-ing.  They only say they do this because it looks good on the resume? 

Beware of the fall shows, we're doing reviews all this week.

9.19.98
I suppose we should devote this installment to the President.  The more I think I about it, the more I hate the guy.  Forgive me, but when it comes to THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, I want perfection.  Or at least I want to believe that there is perfection.  I don't want to know about his rendezvous.  Bring in JFK, and I'll tell you this:  JFK could mess up because the man lived a perfect life.   Every woman wanted him, every man wanted to be like him, he could sell a desert habitant soil.  Not only was he seen selectively as perfect, but his wife was ideal, his children were good, and the man didn't give a flying flip about money. 

What does Clinton have?  Nothing I want.

Just in case you live and die by our page, it's been decreed that Monday, the grand jury tapes will be released.  Whooptiedue.  The Starr Report is in bookstores, and Harlequin will be going out of business soon because of it. 

amerika claims to be tired of it, but I'm here talking about it.  If you really do think that this is disgusting and believe that Starr should do something productive, then don't give a fuck my friends.  The choice is yours.

All I want is for Entertainment Tonight to stop asking celebrities to paraphrase "It's none of our business, leave the man alone."

BTW, the new issue is out.  check it out folks, it's almost a doozy and a review for Rush Hour is here.

9.15.98
I've been reading Popular Science again.  As usual, I have discovered ways to better our lives, so listen.

First exhibit is a gun that only needs a remote control to be operated.   What this means is that on top of killing his classmates, Junior will also be guilty of playing hooky.

In Japan, there are these little devices that look like Tamagatchi vs. a pager.  Basically, it carries all this information about you and what you want in a mate.  There are ones for males and ones for female.  If an ideal male device comes into contact with a female device within 15 feet, the thing goes off.  If you figured out what I was saying, is sarcasm really needed?

There were a whole bunch of things to check out, but I have not the money nor the time.  Not that any of that matters... or makes sense.

9.10.98
Help me out with something.  The wonderboy behind the 61st hr catch just wants an autographed picture.  Mr. 62nd wants lifetime membership in Cooperstown.  wtf?   I am so relieved to see amerika get their heads where they belong.  Just tell me how in the hell Mr. 62nd gets a visit to Disney world in under 24hrs?  Good samaritanism is becoming an episode of the twilight zone.

Here goes the other. 

People have fears that with 2 spice girls pregnant, girl power may become corrupt and cause a generation to lapse into teenage pregnancy.  Yeah... right.    The social taboos have ALL been bumped against so there is nothing to fear as far as your daughters are concerned.  After all, Ginger Spice was a nude model.

I'm tired.

9.8-9.98
Are you one of the many awaiting a broken record?

Speaking of which, did you know that Roger Maris' widow had complications due to all the excitement surrounding the breaking of the record?  Should you care?  No, and neither should she.  Maybe I'm not as much into the anticipation as I should be, but is there a reason for a woman to die because of it?  Once again, I say no.

You know about McGuire, yet?  Now get a life.

In other news from the midwest, amerika's sweethearts have had the murder charges dropped.  Apparently, authorities believe that the murderer is out there.  Just so you know, I learned all of this watching Court TV, the mtv of the news world.  I looked at CNN for details and got a commercial.  I am pretty sure that Fox was just too busy analyzing McGuire's fascination with Ruth, Maris, and Gherig to realize that once again real news was happening and they weren't even there to cover it.

I won't deny it, I thought they did it.   Not only that, but I am sure such a thing can happen.  I've watched Carpenter movies, so I know the deal.  People are capable of anything, and that includes children, so watch out because somewhere out there, there is a juvenile pervert out there waiting to rape your precious little daughter.

On a brighter note, I want to watch Something About Mary.

One more thing, we're putting together a WIERD EMAIL ISSUE.  Details can be gotten by clicking submit somewhere on the other side. 

And I'm gone.

9.7.98
Happy Labor Day and all that jazz.  Do something good today. 

I'm having a problem with putting down thoughts, so here goes a little local thing.  The front page of the local big wig paper included a piece on animal shelters.  To take it one step further, there was a picture of a dog being carried out of a gas chamber.  It was in color and for any kid with a 3rd grade education, it was all plainly laid out.  Did I mention that it was on the front page.  Maybe it's just me, but showing kids reality should not include dead dogs.

Basically that's it.  Oh yeah, save those funny emails.

9.3.98
Reading Time, I came across this article about yet another sick depraved soul.   The sin this time concerning this guy who raped and killed a girl in "California-Nevada border" casino.  You probably heard about it.  The guilty party was some sort of "normal... genius" in the eyes of teachers, parents, and peers.  Well, apparently he had a friend who watched much of it and did nothing about it.  wtf?  Not only that, but he's busy bitching because he feels he did nothing wrong.  Once again, wtf? Forgive the morality kick, but even the most deranged of killers has got to know that watching a person as he molests a 7 year old girl is NOT RIGHT.  In fact, prison inmates have a habit of looking down upon that sort of thing, and if that's the case, then it most definitely has to be true.  Just to sum this up, David Cash (he who does not know Jiminey Crickett) has done nothing wrong... legally.

Now for another Titanic horror story.

Just got back from the Mall and Best buy. Scared the hell out of me. My mom had to go get money back from suncoast because the tape ordered long ago never came. First thing they said "are you here for titanic?" One clerk had a sailor hat on. Scared the hell out of me. Little children watching the movie while their parents bought it. I go to best buy and I see people rushing into line to buy this crap. I feel bad because I'm stuck with 2 cds. I go back in, more rushing, now I buy a video game. I go back in for my mom for another cd, still more rushing. If the Beatles were bigger than Jesus, then Titanic is bigger than a Beatles reunion had Lennon lived with the Stones, Pearl Jam, and REM opening the entire tour. It's true and I'm scared.

There's a new movie review for Knock-Off starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Rob Schneider.  I dare you to guess the rating.

9.3.98
Once again Augusta, GA can stake a claim.  It was the biggest international raid in the history of porn and pedophilia that was conducted simultaneously around the globe.   And just last night, one of our local teachers was busted.  It seems right, since there has been pervert teacher arrested in a couple of years, even though there was the psychologist.

And now onto crap that makes sense, a Titanic horror story:

I was in the Wherehouse (music/video store) today, and i was at the counter waiting for about 15 minutes or so... the entire time, one of the employees was on the phone with this chick... here's how the conversation went, basically:

It finally got to the point where it was "I'm hanging up, ma'am, I'm sorry." I asked the girl who waited on me, and she said it was because they wouldn't let her reserve titanic over the phone without paying. Disturbed me.

Get another one tomorrow, and/or send in your own.

9.2.98
It seems that there are some out there who find our current issue in poor taste. I happen to disagree. To paraphrase a often misused cliche, the media made us do it. What does this mean? It means that it's absolute bs to think that what we did was in bad taste when it's been done to death for the past year or so. If you want to blame us for having the nerve to bash this topic, then go ahead, but you must realize that the topic at hand is not the Princess, the topic is media coverage of the death of the princess. To be honest, I don't think there is a single article in the current issue that actually rips the princess or what she has done. What is ripped is her coverage and how we have been forced to ingest useless media coverage. On second thoughts, the interview did some ripping, but there was nothing in poor taste directed at the late lady.

Another source of controversey may come from our spelling of DIe. For those who have yet to figure out, it is a plead for the memory of this holier-than-thou myth of Cinderella, Karen Carpenter, and Grace Kelly all rolled into one. Lady Di no longer exists nor does her memory, what we have is an image perpetuated by hounds hungry for ratings, profits, and heart strings of the entire world. I don't want to remember anyone for ulterior reasons such as that, but that the way the cookie has crumbled.

And now onto one final accusation. We do not do anything for shock value. While there have been writers to spawn words for us whose intentions were to shock the reader, I have always done my best to see to it that our purpose is to provoke thought, not reaction. Not doing so will undermine our integrity and ultimately insult the minds of our readers. It is heinous to think that our reason behind this issue was to do so, and that is what offends me. Not a group of radical thinkers who have decided to lash out against the current pop culture icon, as mythical as she may be.

Thank you, and read some more.

9.1.98
First off, sorry.  The interview is now up, so why don't mozy on over to here and read an exclusive interview with a murderer, who by the way, shows no remorse.  Now for some news

Apparently, listenening to the world's cyber cynics wasn't enough, as with everything, there has to be a study to verify that the internet causes relationships to suffer.  As usual, I'm an ignorant bastard who refuses to read the actual article, so I have to wonder how much did this cost.  People have been known to let children wallow in filth so they can go and hang out in chat rooms.  That's just one clue.   I could go on with the psychos who lurk around lying about their age.  I'm not going to bitch about the results, because that's obvious and as ironic as it may be I am against the internet.  I just don't understand why there had to be a study for this.   Is boredom that bad? 

I suggest real jobs.