Welcome to Temporal Dysfunction, a place for news. Nothing more. Nothing less. You won't get anything groundbreaking. Hell, some of it may even be old to you. What can be promised is that it won't be the same old same old. Think of it as your mini dose of the SDM ezine. Still concentrated, but just not so much of it. We're always open for new talent, so if you think you can hack out something for this bit of nothingness, drop something here.

8.31.98
Well, the new issue is out and so is the interview.  It's been sort of a half assed week folks, but I am sure that we have made up for it.

Just so you know, the issue was a special which marks the 1 year anniversary of the late Princess Diana.  The interview is one that we conducted with one of her murderers.  To the best of our knowledge, the only way you can get either is through us, the hideous people at S | D | M. Enjoy.

Now for some news.

In a move that probably won't even help HIS acting career, Jean Claude Van Damme discussed the illso of cocaine abuse.  Do I give a damn?  Hell no. 

Now for a blow to the economy.  Northwest Airlines has had to cancel many flights because of a walkout.  Since I'm too tired to go into specifics, all I can do is conjure up images of the UPS strike.  Sure, there are other airlines, but these kind of things are interesting.  My advice is that these guys hook up with France to learn how to do it right.  While tension is nice, it is comforting to know that this expected to be over by midweek.

A waste of newspaper:  Micheal Jackson, a 40 year old Jehovah Witness, is making headlines by not celebrating his birthday.  Witnesses don't celebrate birthdays and the man is not in the closet about it, so why does it matter?   Besides, VH-1 does all of the celebrating for him.  Yep, he's that old.

Knock yourself out and enjoy the newness. In that order.

8.27.98
As we sit here awaiting the anniversary of a lady's death, let us realize that while we were busy sucking face with the tube, a greater woman died and has been almost forgotten.   Mother Theresea.

So, out of spite against Princess DIe, we dedicate the next spaces of darkness to the other lady who's been dead for almost a year.

BTW, a deranged review for 54 is up there..

I would like to take this (possibly) last oppotunity to plug the Princess DIe Commemorative issue. Basically, what we need are those special little moments shared as you watch the news unfold on that fateful August 31 night. If you were asleep or watching something worthwhile, why don't you just tell us what you were doing when you got the news and how you felt about it. Simple enough? Of course it is.

8.26.98
Today's topic kids... betrayal.  More specifically... family betrayal.  Breaking it down even more... Unabomber family betrayal. 

Sure, the man did some bad things, and if I was his brother and had strong reason to believe, I'd either kill the bastard myself or turn him in.  What I would not do is accept the money for his capture.  This is what the man's brother has done.   Some good is being done with this, but that's only most and the fact remains that he still accepted it.  Another thing is that the man says that he is not happy accepting it.  If not, then don't.  Just tell the FBI that you want the money to go the victims or the Clinton Defense Fund. 

Okay, so maybe I'm on a high horse, but there has to be some sort of dignity maintained in selling out your family for a good cause.  Somewhere, principle remains. 

8.24.98
In September, there will be two Million Youth rallies.  Similar to the Million Men & Women Marches that have taken place.  The only catch... similar events, different locations, and possibly the same time.  What does this mean?  Chaos.   While these are good things to get behind, they will cancel each other out.   For some reason, it strikes me as odd that this could've happened. Somehow, someone knew that these two things were taking place and could've put an end to one.  Even if they aren't at the same time, who in the hell wants to go to New York one weekend and Atlanta the next?  The way I see it, why not do an east coast/west coast thing.   It saves money and there is more of a likelihood that more will attend overall.

Once again, SDM has saved the day.

Possibility of a new feature is coming up.  Is there anybody out there who wants to nail the new fall season?  Just discuss the new shows.   It's one of those for the helluvit things.  Drop a line.  The same thing applies to tv commercials.   Just our way of feeding off a dry well.

8.21.98
Interesting thing got read today.  It's old news, but it got recycled or something similar...

A judge ordered a couple to stay together for the sanity of a good childhood.  Once she turns 18, they are free to divorce, but until then they have to put up with each other.  Why do I care?  Idealistically, maybe it'll lead to reconciliation, but in all honesty it's a proper punishment for entertaining the thought of screwing up a child's life.

There was something else, but wait till later.

8.20.98
You probably already know that there's hostility going on in the world, so onto a different subject that isn't reminiscent of Wag The Dog. 

Funny how nowadays, making a movie about a subject guarantees instant money for some sort of a cause.  It just strikes me as staying in roll or hyping up publicity for the movie.  Case and point, Steven Spielberg and Tom Hanks are donating money to a D-Day museum.  Sure, it's appreciated, but why don't you look at the motive?

An in other money news, I think it's pathetic that celebrities have to be even cooler by giving up $10,000 for the Clinton legal defense fund. 

Forgive the brevity.  There is a review up for Dead Man on Campus

8.19.98
Getting back to amerika's favorite little murder suspects, there are some out there who believe that it is impossible for a 7 and 8 year to have been responsible for such a heinous act?  Why?

The first time I saw a gun in the hands of a kid, I was in second grade.   That was in the 80s.  It was only a matter of time before kids discovered what the next level was.  I know of kindergarteners molesting classmates.  I know of children threatening lives.  I know of children who steal.  Why can't a 7 and 8 year old take in all that they get off the streets, television, and forms of media and put it to use.  If you hand me a loaf of bread and package of ham, what do you think I'll do?  Use them in a game of pool?

8.18.98
Now that our fair president has spoken, what do I have to say.  What a load of shit.   I rather enjoyed his "I'm really a helpless victim" speech.  It lets me know that he has no dignity and still can't 'fess up to his actions.

But he admitted he was wrong?

So.  The fact that he made up excuses for his lying and in effect routing each of those excuses back to people out to get him is not only pathetic, but a sign of weakness.  Not only that, but what kind of a man pushes his friends under water so that he can lay on their heads to stay afloat?  Let me tell you what I would do if I was in his shoes and lied my ass off to a country about a harmless blow job.  

"Ladies and gentlemen of the United States, I, your president have done a bad thing.  I had an 'improper' relationship with Monica.  Although every answer I have ever given was legally right, I cannot escape the fact that I bullshitted the amerikan people.  My friends have suffered, my family has suffered, and most importantly I used my power to get what I want.  Sure, anybody would do it, but I'm the President, and this is not acceptable behavior.  I will not offer any excuses for what I've done, because that is what they want me to do.  I am a man, and as a man I will face all that comes my way."

Coming from the south, I can tell you this much, Hank Hill (King of the Hill) is a true southern gent, so base that on how Clinton should ask.   Don't shake responsibility, don't shift blame, and always make your bed.  So far, he hasn't done any of it.  As of now I'm looking down on our ^great _president.

Somebody tell me why in the hell he lies when everybody knows of his tendencies.  This must be what amerika is all about.

8.16.98
The new issue is actually up now.  Ingest and enjoy.

It seems that the good ol' folks in AK want metal detectors in all schools.  The cause of this is because of the gun down in Jonesboro where a boy and his cousin had sniping practice.  Why this would provoke a want for metal detectors IN schools is beyond me.  Metal detectors IN schools will not prevent two kids from jacking an assortment of weaponry, hopping in a truck, and staking out a few hundred yards from the playground and killing five people.  If anything it guarantees that any of the children coming OUT of the school will not have adequate protection when the shots rain down.  So, if you ask me, this idea will in effect kill any chance of proper self defense that kids who have the decency to kill point blank would be able to use.   Quite a tragedy my friends.  Quite a tragedy indeed.

8.15.98
About our bit yesterday, it seems that amerika's sweethearts are at home while the trial goes down. 

Our next issue should be out sometime later today, and if not then early tomorrow.  But until then, if you need some fresh content in your bloodstream, there's a REVIEW for The Avengers.  Check it out and be disappointed, if you know what I mean.

Since I don't feel like pouring through the newspapers right about now, why don't I remind you that after this issue, we've got the Princess DIe memorial coming up.  If you're interested, drop a line on the guy right here.

8.14.98
This is another big one.  As if you expected anything less. 

I heard that The Magic Hour got cancelled.  How... did it take so long?  The one thing I got out of this is a sense that if you make one thing exciting you can easily make another thing go sour.

In case you haven't heard, the 7 and 8 year old boys who killed an 11 year old for her bicycle have been sent home.  Apparently they "pose no threat."   Not only that, but they cannot attend school.  Let look at it like this:   They beat, kill and sexually abuse a defenseless child, yet they pose no threat, however they are not allowed to attend school.  I'm guessing this is the real punishment right here. 

For years, educators have debated the pros and cons of whether or not getting kicked out of school delivers the right message to children.  It's no secret that amerikan children are stupid and lazy.  No school is the most appealing thing to anybody, even teachers.  All of a sudden two kids, who are at their most impressionable ages brutally kill another child and don't have to attend school.   What kind of a message is being delivered now? 

Sadly, the obvious has been stated.

Teachers, priests, scout leaders, and mailmen.  What do they have in common.  All (but not all) have been known to molest children.  That's right, not only do you have to be fearful of life in a post office, but you have to watch your children when they get the mail.  Just so you know, this is the first I've heard of such a thing happening (although I'm sure it happens more than we would like to know), so I won't go on a tirade until the next reported case.  Besides, I feel that next to sanitary workers, postal workers are the most powerful people in the world.

8.13.98
Although it wasn't because producers finally came to their senses, Kraig Cilborn has been replaced as host of The Daily Show by Jon Stewart.  Is this really relevant, even by our standards?  Nope, not really, but I felt that it was something that needed to be rejoiced.

In other news, Janeane Garofalo may cease her fantasies of  tv show host who has moved on to host that Tom Snyder show.

While we're discussing crap that normally we wouldn't discuss, let's take the liberty to give a new show for fox free publicity... sdm style.  It's called Blade something or another and it's almost worth watching.   Parker Lewis plays a triplegic (I saw a hand move) and the rest of the cast is dysfunctional as well.  What do I hate about this show?  I heard them use dick a couple of times.  However, there were a couple of key spots censored out by music.   Maybe it's just me with low volume, but I heard guitars, saw lips moving, heard no voice, guitars stopped, saw lips moving, heard the words coming out.  I say you either do it all, not at all, or give the world a clue as to what's being said.  I think it's just stupid to censor a "hip" fox show when disney owned abc runs NYPD Blue. 

There were things I wanted to say, but the specifics eluded me... again

8.11.98
Let's handle the important news first.  THE PRINCES OF ENGLAND ARE IN DANGER!!!

Why?

For not wearing the proper gear when mountain climbing.  I hope they come to their senses and use gear or else we'll be stuck in oblivion with even more coverage of a royal death and that, my friends, is worse that life itself.

Speaking of dead royals, sdm will soon be putting out it's OFFICIAL SDM MEMORIAL ISSUE FOR THE DEATH OF PRINCESS WHO IS NOT DEAD.  What we want you to do is drop a line here and let us know what you were doing when DIe had died.  Or you could just let us what you were doing when you found out.  For the record, it all went down on AUGUST 31.

Now for the not so important stuff...

It came to my attention a while back that the toilet seat (the part for depositting the butt) could be the cleanest part of the entire household when comes to germs.  Why?  Because of the texture of the seat, it is nearly impossible for germs to thrive, ergo they die.  What does this mean for you?  You can kiss your dog without any real fear.  What else?  You too can drink from the toilet seat.

A question on my part, what about the people who use the padded seats.   Are they equally safe?  See what comfort gets you.

8.10.98
A lot of things can happen on the spur of the moment.  With that said and done, note that we have a new section.  In fact it's our first section placed on the shoulders of one (1) person.  That person is FoxXy.  Just because this is the first of its kind for us, it is important that she know that there is no pressure at all.   Even though we are watching every step she takes with this, she is should not worry about her performance.  If she can put any stress behind her, she'll do a good job.

In other news...

Bob Hope pulled a J.D. Salinger by filing a lawsuit against American Movie Classics and a production company for airing and making, respectively, a tribute to the comic.  Must be age that causes such fan appreciation.

An OK youngun (15) allegedly killed his parents and his girlfriend's grandfather as well as allegedly wounding her grandmother.  wtf?  Has it gotten so bad that the grandparents are getting it?  Babies, jackets, shoes, grandparents.   This country is definitely headed straight to hell.

Will somebody please tell me what makes a CNN foreign correspondent's marriage newsworthy as long as it's not that gulf war guy?

And rounding out a typical day in amerika, there is talk of Candace Bergen getting to do segments on 60 minutes.  The good news is that it doesn't affect my viewing habits.  I would just like to know how playing a insufferable news anchor on tv translate into actual experience? 

8.9.98
Well, after seeing a snippet of FoxNews, I know what all the hubbub is about.  You know, I've often wondered why it is that they've supposedly been blackballed from an event or two.  Before I tell you why, let me add that when you are co-owned by the no. 1 network and the richest man in the world like MSNBC jokes bounce off like rubber.   When you are owned by Fox, you have to brace for the punches.

Today, as I read my trusty ol' local paper, I noticed that there wasn't a damn thing on tv, so I perused the channels and came across FoxNews, and what do I see?  

MONICA IN LOVE

Moments later...

MONICA: BETRAYED OR BETRAYER?
or something like that

wtf?  How in the hell can a news network be taken seriously while spitting out tabloid crap like this?  It could just be me, but I'd rather see the realtime animation coffeehouse bartender on MSNBC put me to sleep than a gabathon from the ladies who couldn't get on The View.

8.7.98
Welcome back to Augusta, home of a Southern Baptist hotbed in the making.  You see, we just went through a major social upheaval known as a "cable upgrade."   What this means is that channels get added and switched around.  A major change is that we no longer have to pay for the Disney Channel as a premium!  (I'm still pissed that they're running commercials now, but that's a different story).  Of course, in the south things can never be put to rest which is why the Southern Baptist faction of this area is bitching & moaning over getting the Disney Channel. You all know why, so why continue?  There is no reason, and I think I've said my piece, but I felt that it had to be put into the open.  Why?

Because this is so stupid!  These people want discounts on their bills for not watching the Disney Channel.  While reading the paper I didn't see the obvious argument of "If we give them a discount, we have to give everyone a discount."  Frankly, this has gone too far.  If I think about this too much, I guarantee I will go insane, but I promise that if it doesn't stop here these people will go after Wal-Mart for carrying Pez with Mickey's head.

8.6.98
Nightline, a show which once might have been a reputable news program (i don't know... i haven't been around that long.), has finally hit bottom.

Tonight's topic? "People who park in handicapped parking spaces withoutreally being handicapped."

In less pathetic news, I personally haven't heard the Spice Girls mentioned on television, radio, or in a newspaper or magazine in a long time. And I think we can all be greatful for that.

8.5.98
I'm late on two counts, but here goes.

Just recently a court decided that a 12 year old girl could have a third trimester abortion after being raped and impregnated by her 16 (now 17) year old brother.   Criminal charges are being discussed.  This raised some hell because of the trauma involved with such a late abortion as well as the trauma caused by the incestous nature of the pregnancy.  A group of anti-s offered to pay for the birth to happen.  If anything, then shows how twisted this world has become.  This girl has become a pawn in game that she may never understand. 

Forget the question "why?"

In all honesty, this is just to fucked up to discuss, but I had to use the example when I had.  Think about this and start up a forum.  From here forth, I suggest we try to unfuck the world. 

It'll take some time, but it can happen.

8.3.98
In an effort to prove that no level is low when it comes to voter turnout, AZ is sending any newly turned 18 year olds birthday cards encouraging the person to vote.  Okay.   I suppose I should make a point that this probably a waste of paper, postage, envelope gum, mailman hours, not too mention money.  Take this bit of advice from an +18 year old who has gotten cards from friends, relatives, fast food joints, video stores, lame ass presidential PR centers, political parties, armed services, clothing mail order catalogs, door to door salesmen, pastors, financial advisors,and just about everything but my friendly neighborhood "happy birthday?  here's a finger." garbagemen.   If there is no "reward" for not killing yourself for the angst ridden trauma that is teenage-dom, the 18 year old won't give a flip about the card, it just became a piece of scrap for phone messages if it's not already a lousy basketball shot that already didn't happen.  So, unless the state of AZ is willing to bribe people to vote for, the polls belong to the elderly who can make it in time.

The gay games happened and nobody gave a damn.

Since I'm feeling wordy, let me tell about a snippet I read.  Bill Clinton stopped a presidential motorpool to stop and talk to Christie Brinkley.  I can't believe she's only 42.  It seems like she's been around forever.  Not that the years haven't been kind, but doesn't seem like ages since National Lampoon's Vacation came out?  And she was already big back then.  If you want to wonder even deeper, her new son is named Sailor.  I'd pay to see his first week of junior high.  If ever there were a kid asking for harassment...

I wanted to discuss the queen of England meeting the common folk at a McDonalds, but let's get political... again.

The US gov't is under the threat of revealing classified documents that may reveal ties with the nazi regime of WWII germany.  I've thought about this one and I feel like this:  fuck it.  I think the gov't had ties with nazi before, during and after WWII in some form capacity be it direct or indirect.  Much of amerika believes that as well.  Why don't go with that and go home.  If we have to go through another phase of Uncle Sam Apologize, I will freak.  What kind of closure will this give any one?  All I see here is an opportunity for a lawsuit and the present gov't can't afford the mistakes of past one.   Don't forget, but let it go.  We won't have the future repeat itself, but we won't be hinged on the wrath of animosity.

Long, but worth it, eh?

8.2.98
Sorry for the delay, but all was ready until a mishap known as the internet happened.

Today begins a new beginning for sdm.   Our literary issue, is none other than a literary section.  Right now, it's kind different, but it WILL evolve into something much more grand that what you will see by clicking the below link.  If you like what you see, hopefully you will keep it vital by submitting your own literary pieces.  We don't want to stop at single submissions.  More than anything we would like to host sections devoted to the works of one person.  If you are interested in such a venture, click here.