Uncle Sam Wanted
Us
For a limited time only!
Ladies and gentlemen, we implore you. It is not everyday that an
esteemed publication such as SDM recieves the opportunity to
do something like interview Uncle Sam,
the icon of Americana. All in all this was a fun interview and we hope that it
shines through.
On top of mutual enjoyment, Uncle Sam was not hurt or forced in any way. We asked he
came, and he answered some pretty good questions. Perhaps the best part about this
interview is that, unlike the Santa interview, there were alot more than just the standard
interview. What also happened in the interview, but was only included for
subscribers was the all important, game of the minute WORD ASSOCIATION! That's
right, Uncle Sam
on things that may or may not have any connection whatsoever. It's a six degrees of
Kevin Bacon from Hell.
the Uncle Sam interview
SDM:
First things first
Are you a jew?
Uncle Sam:
No
SDM: Is this fact?
Uncle Sam:
Yes.
SDM: You just arent ashamed and
trying to deny it?
Uncle Sam:
Right.
SDM: Right about what?
Uncle Sam:
Im not a jew, young man.
SDM: Whats wrong with being
jewish?
Uncle Sam:
Nothing.
SDM: Well, quit picking on the faith.
Anti semitism is not cool, man!
Uncle Sam:
I didnt say it was.
SDM: Then quit acting like it is.
Uncle Sam:
Enough of this. Next question!
SDM: Dont get pushy with me, old
man. Just because you came here under your own control doesnt mean I have to
tolerate any rude behavior.
Uncle Sam:
I am not being rude. I just dont enjoy the implications you have made.
SDM: There is no need to make my
questions derogatory. I ask you a question about your faith and you start bashing judaism.
Uncle Sam:
I did not.
(For the first 15 minutes of our interview, there was much tension because of Uncle
Sam's obvious Anti-Semitism.)
SDM: Now that weve resolved that,
time for our second question. Do you think well ever have another
"Vietnam?"
Uncle Sam:
How do you mean?
SDM: Belligerent citizens and
draftings.
Uncle Sam:
Hopefully not.
SDM: Do you think its possible?
Uncle Sam:
Arent we respected enough as a world power that the thought of war seems ridiculous
to anybody who wished to cause a disturbance in the peace process?
SDM: Id do it.
Uncle Sam:
Do what?
SDM: Fuck with the peace process.
Uncle Sam:
For some reason, Im not surprised.
SDM: Next question smart ass: Who
killed Kennedy?
Uncle Sam:
Is that relevant anymore?
SDM: Not really, but you should know.
Uncle Sam:
It was Oswald.
SDM: Right. And the government didn't
spray civilians with LSD in the
sixties to test it or some other crazy ass conspiracy.
Uncle Sam:
You are childish and sending a wrong image to Americas youth.
SDM: Forgive me for being different. I
had no idea it made a damn bit of difference.
Uncle Sam:
I think thats the problem with todays youth.
SDM: I thought you were poster cartoon,
not a fundamentalist.
Uncle Sam:
Wrong. I am symbol for power and --
SDM: Fashion wrongs.
Uncle Sam:
You know, I tried to help you guys out with your show of patriotism, but I dont see
where you have any. If the tone of these questions dont change immediately, I will
be forced to ask that this interview be stopped.
SDM: Sorry about that, man.
Uncle Sam:
Me, too.
SDM: Okay
Next question: What is
your stance on censorship?
Uncle Sam:
Im against it.
SDM:Is Rock n Roll dead?
Uncle Sam:
Is that relevant?
SDM: How about gun control?
Uncle Sam:
If my life was made into a movie, Charleton Heston would have to play me.
SDM: I guess thats a pro?
Uncle Sam:
Yes.
SDM: Spur of the moment question. Are
you the amerikanized version of God?
Uncle Sam:
No. What a blasphemous thing to say!
SDM: Thats pretty presumptuous. I
was not trying to insult you.
Uncle Sam:
Thats not what I meant.
SDM: Good thing youre only
fiction or else youd end up in hell. Too bad, eh?
Uncle Sam:
What?
SDM: Next question! Would you shoot
Smoky the Bear?
Uncle Sam:
No!
SDM: Fur, meat, friend, or age?
Uncle Sam:
What?
SDM: Why wouldnt you snipe the
bear?
Uncle Sam:
I have no reason to.
SDM: Well that doesnt sound very
amerikan.
Uncle Sam:
What exactly does "America" mean to you, young man?
SDM: Why should I have to explain it to
you? You know all about amerika. Next question.
Uncle Sam:
I dont think
SDM: Why werent you taking
pictures with King back in the day?
Uncle Sam:
The opportunity never arose.
SDM: What? Youre a fucking
painting! How could there not be time!
Uncle Sam: Uncle Sam stands alone for a reason. Its not race. Its not gender.
Its not religion. Its the U.S. of A! I am the U. S. of A! We stand alone and
walk against all the crud thats going against us. Thats how we survive and it
doesnt require any publicity shots for the world figure it out. A picture with
Martin Luther King wouldnt accomplish a gosh darned thing other than the fact that
it would look like some lame, too late for a difference attempt at appeasement. I am Uncle
Sam, not a mediator of peace.
SDM: You know, I almost want to stand
up and say the pledge. By the way, could you please refrain from saying "U.S.
of A.?" That is so fucking irritating.
Uncle Sam:
I'm sorry.
SDM: Was that sarcasm?
Uncle Sam:
Maybe.
SDM: Well, don't try it too much.
You do a lousy job of drawing a line between sarcasm and sincerity. Now on to the
space program, buster. Isn't it true that the government has had contact with aliens for
years, and is in fact hiding a secret alien/government base underneath Groom Lake, Nevada?
Uncle Sam:
How would I know something like that?
SDM: Oh yeah, thats right! Aliens
dont exist, do they? Wink wink. Nudge nudge. I guess this a question closer to what
were really supposed to believe: How do you respond to the claim that the missions
to the moon were fake, and were in fact created by George Lucas in a sound stage on a top
secret government installation?
Uncle Sam:
Thats preposterous!
SDM: Do you belong to the Japanese?
Uncle Sam:
No!
SDM: So, theres no conspiracy
behind that one either?
Uncle Sam:
No!
SDM: Then, why have you kept the
amerikan public behind the government technologically?
Uncle Sam:
I have no control over any of that!
SDM: Of course not. Are you married?
Uncle Sam:
No.
SDM: Didnt you ever date Rosie
the Riveter?
Uncle Sam:
Thats is probably the dumbest thing youve said to date.
SDM: Youd be surprised. How about
it?
Uncle Sam:
No!
SDM: Cmon, just between friends.
Uncle Sam:
NO!
SDM: Are you turning red? Blushing. I
think I get you buddy?
Uncle Sam:
You get nothing!
SDM: You know Sammy, can I call you
Sammy?
Uncle Sam:
If it makes you feel better?
SDM: It doesnt, but I say it
anyway. Sammy, Im almost out of questions, and I realize that youve been busy
as of late, so Ill hurry this up for you. What can we expect of you in the future?
Uncle Sam:
Nothing that I havent already done!
SDM: Which is?
Uncle Sam:
Symbolizing America in every positive way imaginable. The same thing Ive been doing
ever since I came into existence.
SDM: How beautiful. Ive noticed
one thing however. You havent used your trademark.
Uncle Sam:
Theres a reason for that.
SDM: Touché. Cmon, just once.
Uncle Sam:
I will not amuse you.
SDM: But you already have.
Uncle Sam:
The answers still "no!"
SDM: Well, if its like that; your
last batch of questions
Do you want homosexuals?
Uncle Sam:
No!
SDM: Do you want jews?
Uncle Sam:
Enough of that.
SDM: Enough jews?
Uncle Sam:
No!
SDM: Dont you mean yes?
Uncle Sam:
NO!
SDM: Do you want blacks?
Uncle Sam:
Why not?
SDM: So you want blacks to die in your
military? Before the whites, I presume.
Uncle Sam:
That is a very racist assumption!
SDM: If you dont want us to
connect the dots, then dont throw the dots out to begin with. Well Sammy, Im
out of time here, so I have to call this one quits. Its been fun and thanks for
being a willing participant in our show of patriotism here.
Uncle Sam:
Where?
SDM: Good one, old man. Stick to being
the straight man and youll do alright. Maybe we can get together and see how your
career progressed.
Uncle Sam: I dont think that is
something you should count on.
SDM: Okay Sammy, next year it is, then!
Have a good one. |