Welcome to Temporal Dysfunction, a place for news. Nothing more. Nothing less. You won't get anything groundbreaking. Hell, some of it may even be old to you. What can be promised is that it won't be the same old same old. Think of it as your mini dose of the SDM ezine. Still concentrated, but just not so much of it. We're always open for new talent, so if you think you can hack out something for this bit of nothingness, drop something here.

7.30.98
As I perused the paper, looking for something to 'discuss' I came across an interesting piece about Rosa Parks (the local version of every newspaper's Celebrity Section).   In a nutshell it tells of how what she did on that bus a while back wasn't planned or organized, it just happened.  Why am I discussing this?  Because I thought this was common knowledge.  Maybe my public school education was alot better than I thought, but I am almost certain that this is no big gian secret for the memoirs of a hell raiser.  Anyways...

Stop me if you've heard this one before.  A 10 year old was charged with sexual assault and murder.  wtf?  All I can say is that someone should beat the shit out of the parent(s) who allowed their child in an environment where this kind of thing could happen and someone should beat the shit out of the parent(s) who left their baby with a ten year old fuck up such as this. 

Finally, the world can sleep easier now, knowing that the Rev. Al Sharpton may have learned his lesson to keep his mouth shut.  Killing the cryptic nature of this segment, Sharpton was found guilty of defamation when he accused a man of rape in the Tawanna Brawley Case.

Who says we only discuss the negative?

7.29.98
Well, it's another one of those days again where we go ballistic on the world around us.  It'll be lengthy so crack open a cold one (soda/beer/sardine can) and prepared to be informed.

First things first, forgive us but we forgot to give mention of the anniversary of Prince Chazz and Princess DIe yanking the knot a few years ago.  As if that wasn't enough, Romance Classics decided to prove once again that they were inferior to big brother AMC by showing the wedding.  If it was in its entirety, I am sorry.  When the live performance came out first time 'round, I was sick from school I believe and came to the conclusion that it would never happen again.   Unfortunately, I got sick again and Fergie pulled the knot.  I've been a healthy boy ever since, or so they say.

In Germany, a lady at a bar got jacked by her dentist for not paying off her dentures.  Hell yeah, I'm laughing.  That's pretty low.   IN a bar?  Why not at home, a doctor's office, anywhere but a bar.   That's as sacred as a church.  People go to bars to be normal, not to be robbed of dental devices.  What really gets me is that this wasn't in a amerika and transpiring over some stupid bet like a granddaughter's report card or something.

On the subject of amerikan stupidity, a man is suing viagra for the side effects that caused images of "lightning bolts from finger tips" while driving.  He crashed.  I have no comment here.  It's just stupid that it had to come down to this.  It's like watching an instant lotto player on the road.

Speaking of which, there's a bum's rush for Powerball tickets.  There's nothing like watching a bunch of losers riot over a piece of paper with the possibility of gaining money because of the paper's contents, unless your watching the Springer episode of "You're My Baby's Daddy, I will prove it, so pay the child support."  Same thing, but a lot less purpose.

And finally, my thoughts on the MLK, Jr. hoopla.   Personally, I think he was a great man.  Coming from GA, I know the impact of what he has done for ALL people.  Hell, my town even has a MLK Blvd and it's not too far from James Brown Blvd.  Anyway, AZ came under attacked for not recognizing his holiday (is it still like that), a FL town is under assault for not changing the name of a street to MLK something or another.  There reason for not doing so is absolutely stupifying.  Just because some Spaniards like the fact they still use spanish names for streets, they feel it would be wrong to change any of the names.  When did the Spanish buy back Florida?  Now DC is getting a memorial going.  Now let me raise hell.

MLK's NAME MEANS JACK SHIT NOW!  Fuck his holiday, fuck his street, fuck his memorial, and fuck his marketability.  Do you know why?   Because I don't think the man wants it to be like that.  The same thing applies to Malcolm X.   What do you think Malcolm X (the second incarnation of the man) would do if he came back and saw a bunch of suburbanite white kids wearing "his" hats, t-shirts, and whatever the hell else Spike Lee found in his basement to sell.  He'd probably join up with the klan and fight against seeing his name everywhere.  As for MLK, he'd be a very unhappy man if he came back and saw whites and blacks bitching over the usage of his name.  Anybody ever hear the "I Have a Dream" speech?  He wanted his black kids and some guy's white kids to join together and be one race, not real rich off his name.  If you ask me, be ashamed for giving a damn about a great man this way.  

One more thing, MLK Day doesn't really accomplish anything if the blacks get together to be a race unto themselves and the whites get together with them because they feel guilty.  How about we listen to Max for once and just have a picnic.  No race, no beefs, no nothing.  Just a cookout where everybody is nobody.

7.28.98
The priveliege of being one of the few countries with an arsenal that can destroy the world is gone. Seems like every country on the planet can now say they've got the bomb. I don't just mean larger countries, like Russia, or China, or even France.

In other news, Monica Lewinsky is going to get immunity for any wrongdoings she has done wrong, in return for testifying against Clinton. About time, right? Any of us that screwed around on our wife with an underling from the job would get sued six different ways. Why should the Pres be any different?

7.27.98
Two years ago, the Olympics were upset by a bombing.  While it was tragedy, I think it's time to get over it.  I have no reason why it should be forgotten, but I don't see people taking the time out to discuss waco anymore and that was greater tragedy, except the Atlanta Bombing probably cost more money.  Hell, a concert was cancelled due to it.

Onto other tragedies, the Princess DIe anniversary is coming up and we at SDM want to put together a special issue commemorating it.  Before you get really pissed, note: WE ARE NOT PROFITING FROM THIS! 

With that said, let us know where you were and/or what you were doing on August 31, 1998 (approx. 10pm eastern) or what was going on with you when you heard the news.

7.26.98
There is no secret that several of us here at SDM enjoy the WWF.  Honestly, they kick ass no matter what they do, but allow me to voice some thoughts on something that happened just last night at a pay per view. 

There was a bikini contest.  Sure, like any man I like to see skin and a couple of peaks, but I would have to say that I am thoroughly disappointed at what happened with this contest. 

Wrestling is entertainment for all, including impressionable children.   Before I get started let me state this: One person showed a nipple.  Big deal.   Kids go to the beach, watch tv, and attend public school; this isn't something that hasn't been seen before.  My problem is with how the women were degraded with the measurements and extreme emphasis on the breasts.  The point to this is this:   children will watch stuff like this and get the impression that this is far more important than anything else.  While most of the disdainment is over, I must state that it was disgusting to see these women turn themselves into meat.

People may dog SI for their swimsuit issue, but at least it's tasteful and done partially to hype up sales.  Yeah, it's lame but I'd rather my daughter read sports illustrated and say I want to buy that suit, it looks pretty on her as opposed to watching what happened last night and hear her say that she needs to get bigger breasts if she is going to make the guys go crazy.

7.25.98
Once again, tragedy has occurred and the media is all on top of it.  Apparently (brace for the surprise), a psycho has unleashed gunfire in at our nation's Capitol.   What have we learned from this?

There's a doctor/politician.  He saved some lives.  What does this teach us?  Learn CPR and always carry a gun.

Security at the Capitol is lax.  What does this teach us?  Pump more of our tax payer's money into metal detectors and the other doors no one uses and always carry a gun.

And finally, somebody out there isn't satisfied with the job our politicians are doing.  I know you are all shocked to learn this.  I can't help it, when you pay somebody over $50,000/year to sit in a big room, blow hot air, and push buttons, chances are somebody's going to screw it up.  It's human nature.  What does this teach us?  Get out there and vote (as soon as you can) and always carry a gun.

Any questions?

7.24.98
When it comes to homosexuality, I have heard some stupid things.  Let's see...

Homosexuals are evil, depraved monsters who like to molest children.   Homosexuals are agents of the devil.  Being around homosexuals will make you gay.  Ear canal diameter can be a factor in the determination of preference.  I could go on and on. 

I'm not gay.  Never have been, never will be.  Furthermore, I don't care if my enemy, neighbor, brother, or friend are gay.  If they are then so be it.  Furthermore, I don't feel any sort of obligation being placed upon me by God to damn homosexuals or convert them in any way.  Which brings me to the point...

A group, who can only be from the religious right has started an ad campaign which boasts homosexuals who have discovered the "truth" and come back to the flock, so to speak.  There are folks out there who believe this campaign can help make amerika a straighter, more christian environment. 

I suggest an ad campaign where we get a bunch of "ex" child molestors and standing them outside an elementary school playing with the students with a banner that says

WE'RE LIVING PROOF THAT CHILD MOLESTORS CAN LEGITIMATELY LOVE CHILDREN THE RIGHT WAY

Sounds like a winner to me.

7.23.98
Well, well, well. It seems that, in fact, you can't even trust the porn   industry anymore. Two young, virgin, perfect, honor students were going to get it on in front of the entire internet, for the first time. And they were going to do it for free. And they were going to let everyone see their life, just like it really is. And the Easter Bunny was going to climb up and get him some of that too.

Anyway, they were shut down by hackers, of all people, for their hoax, and their page redirected to disney, which seems fitting.

7.22.98
This will be big, and run quite a gamut, so settle back and hit 'down' when appropriate.

Jerry Springer is using the violence as an approach again.   Let's ponder this one.  Not only do the folks behind argue that the violence is needless, but they also contend that no one will suffer because of it.  Several have suffered, and to show how needless it is, my newspaper states that July Sweeps will up it a notch.  Irony?

Because this is the surprise article of the century, I felt it should have some sort of notice.  The Boy Scouts of America are being sued for "alleged" physical and emotional abuse.  In Little Rock, no less.  Of all things anyone expected to happen.

Quiz of the day  Which is more important:: an add-on for a Donald Trump casino or an elderly woman living the comfort of HER home?   That's a real toss up.

Now for some thoughts, because they're fresh.  Talk on the internet is that Jay Leno is supposed to be a part of the main event of some wcw ppv.   For those of you ignorant to culture, this is a wrestling thing.  Now that Jay Leno is stepping up in the world, let me ask why is it that the house that Goldberg inflated is sinking even lower?  It's not so bad that he's supposed to be there, but he's slated to wrestle.  wtf?  Why in the hell would someone pay to see Leno wrestle anybody, let alone the funniest (pick a definition) man in the world, Eric Bischoff?  For those of you who watch wrestling, you can relate.  For those of you who can't, don't watch anything like this.

Forgive the rant, but I had a hankering.  In closing, Phil Hartman has been replaced by Jon Lovitz.  Personally, I think that David Allan Grier would be perfect, but who asked me?

7.21.98
Welcome to Augusta, GA.  Home of the Masters, Enemies of Hip Hop, and the most daring form of salvation from the Jerry Springer Class.

In a subdivision known as Goshen, there is a fight to keep Mobile Home owners out of a what was legally open to such homesteaders.  Is there a point to any of this?  No, not really, but it's sure as hell is messed up that the trailer folk are restricted for the only purpose of keeping property values up there.

If you thought the south was just against the black man, think again.

7.18.98
As I perused the recent issue of Popular Science, I happened upon the scariest thing known to man.  In the "new gadgetry" section, there was a tidbit about a palmtop computer.  Excellent graphics, badass processor, etc.   In other words, the ideal compute, but that bad boy was smaller than the average desk- or laptop.  Then at the end of this snippet, the crucial detail: it's a computer in thought only.  In other words, the computer doesn't exist, some guys were just sitting in a room and decided to come up with an idea for a computer, so it warrants journalistic notice as a computer.  wtf? 

Let's think about this for a minute.

I have a son.  Even though I'm 20, single and never got a girl pregnant, I have a son on the deans' list at Harvard and on the hotlist of every Law office, Hospital, and computer software design company.  Why?  Because he tripled major.  Not only that, but he lettered in baseball, football, basketball, lacrosse, ping pong, track & field, and volleyball. 

Because of this new form of technology, I can exploit my son and become wealthy.  Thank you.

7.17.98
Large groups of guys running in front of pissed off bulls isn't just for Spain anymore. A Pheonix-based company, Running of the Bulls, America, Inc., decided that Arizona needed to be just a bit more like Pamplona. So what did they do? They held a running of the bulls. At fifty bucks a head, over six hundred people lined up to stand in front of a bull. And, then, run in front of it. Not surprisingly, most of the early registrants were men. But people from all walks of life got into the act. The oldest participant was a seventy year old man. One runner even wore a giant rubber chicken suit, while another group of people showed their patriotism by wearing rubber masks of Nixon, Reagan, Bush, and Clinton.

Interestingly, only three runners were injured. Officials stated that, while they were ucertain as to the nature of the injuries, it was believed possible that horns were involved.

On the flip side, a total of forty one spectators were treated for heat exposure.

7.15.98
Perhaps the greatest disappointment in a good long while to hit the low income circuit has come under the guise of ruling that comes down to this: the gov't will not pay for men to use viagra.  Quite a tragedy indeed. Let's take a moment to observe.

The "low income man" faces many problems.  One of which being unemployment.  While it doesn't apply to all, it seems to be a major cause for having a low income.  Hell, even the guy is employed, there isn't a doubt in the world that the low income situation isn't causing some major stress.  And with stress comes the inability to perform the most important action attributed to men.  The point is this:  Viagra should be for everybody.  If they can't afford it, then measures must be taken so that those without can be with.  If we can pay for a president to stop traffic at an airport all the way across the country for the sole purpose of a haircut, then why can't we relieve a faction of the stress in an otherwise fucked up situation.  That's all I'm saying and I suggest you think about it. Thank you.

7.14.98
Own your very own piece of americana.  The Zapruder film is now for sale.  For those of you who don't obscess over Oliver Stone flicks or hope to own a piece of Kennedy memorabilia, this film is the one you've all seen of Kennedy getting his brains blown out.   Because I only read the headline, I can only tell you what I learned previously.   Basically, the tape is a special collectors edition going at $19.95.   Everything's for sale.

In other news, some pissy little college students started a riot after a bar closed.  This isn't embarrassing, it's sad and pathetic.  Go to a package shop or grocery store.  Quit being babies and study for a change.  What a joke.

7.13.98
As I was reading Parade I came across that made me sick to my head.  For those of you who read it, I am sure that you know where I am headed.  That's right, Hillary "My husband gets covered in all the tabloids, and all I got was this stupid grammy" Clinton has another book coming out.  In the vein of Barbara Bush's dog, there is a book about the first cat and dog.  Sounds like a real winner.   Personally, I can't wait to for another good ol' fashioned burning for all the books made possible by political ties.  You didn't think she got the book deal for being voted Mother of the Year, did you?

In other bloated pop culture news, it seems that more children today can hum a Spice Girls tune before thinking of the name of ANY Beatle. This isn't necessarily bad because the Beatles aren't worth remembering anymore.  Why?  Because after a media blitz that included Best Buy, ABC, Yoko Ono, and possibly every recording made by John Lennon from snot rockets to the harassment of trick or treaters, if the average tv soaked zombie can't recognize Ringo it would be best if they were forgotten.   Besides, placing bids on the next Spice Girl to leave is much more profitable than owning every special edition of every Beatle album released on cd. 

7.11.98
Something funny? I just got this from HeadlineNews. A group of educators (I believe it was a school board) in TX decided to sell all of their shares in Disney because they felt that the move Pulp Fiction was inappropriate. Pulp Fiction was a fave when it came out. It was nominated for oscars. It won one. A Director's Cut came out. Quentin Tarrentino became flavor of the month and the most emulated director of his generation. Not only that, but he's already hit the downhill. Furthermore, Bob Dole hated the hell out of it despite the fact that he never once saw the movie. My question is this:

WHAT IN THE HELL TOOK SO LONG TO DECIDE THAT IT WAS INAPPROPRIATE?

Could it be that the stock had to double before they could sell?

Something even funnier? They expect others to do the same.

7.9.98
In search of a worthy topic of discussion, I came to this astounding conclusion: Good Morning America is really one of the lamest things to exist on television.  Gone are the days of Charles Gibson (possibly) and Joan Lunden.  Now there are some folks I don't recognize who kind of look like them, but look like they are paid to be there.

Instead of a good Al Jaurreau segment, we are treated to Alicia Silverstone and her gig on some show about African animals.  In a rush to get young, execs forgot to stay smart.

7.8.98
In what should be considered encouragement (discouragement) to people everywhere, a man was shot for his apparently lousy singing abilities that were demonstrated while he was drunk in an Indonesian club. 

In a similar story, Dennis Rodman crashed a Pearl Jam performance and his mike had to be killed by crew.  Eddie Vedder said something that was probably only funny to the worshiping fans who paid to be packed in.

All in all, it was a lousy weekend for bad singers, which is why there should be some sort of a union.

7.7.98
Isn't it always nice to see our fellow countries showing such lofty ideals?   Like when British authorities block a religious march by Protestants justbecause it happens to travel through a Catholic neighborhood, where it will almost certainly start a riot. So what happens? A riot starts when the Protestant lads hit the barbed wire set out in front of them. Shit, I'd riot, too. After all, we're talking about the English. These people have nothingto do other than be religious. It's a very bored group of people. So when you take away their religion, of course they get pissed. Don't get me wrong... I'm not saying it's a smart thing to do, having a Protestant march through a Catholic neighborhood, when there've been years of animosity on both sides. But if you lived in Britain, wouldn't you do idiot things, like wear a sign that says "Fuck the Police!" and walk into a donut shop? Anything to break up the monotony. Especially now that Python isn't doing anything new.

7.6.98
A recent phone survey concluded that only 2/3 of amerika's children know jack about the history and 1/3 of adults know the deal.  Let's have a pop quiz.   We will be using the honor system here.  Answer the questions without cheating and send the answers here.  Go ahead, I trust you.

1. The taking of this military installation was the beginning of the Civil War.

2. Who was the 8^th president of the United States?

3. Who wrote the Federalist Papers?

4. Who died first: Martin Luther King, Jr. or Robert F. Kennedy?

5. What number president is Clinton?

send the answers here and we'll let you know how you did.

7.5.98
I suppose if we wanted to talk about needless wastes of money, we could talk about the viagra campaign ad.  First off to go with the spirit of it, viagra is amerika's messiah.  It is responsible for an increase in prostitution, more children, elderly sex increases, and whatever the hell else you can think of.  Viagra does it all.  The last couple of sentences were unneeded, right?  Because everybody in this world knows that viagra is out there.  So what's the purpose in an ad campaign.   You can't say anything bad about it because you'll go to hell. 

The whole world knows and these people are wasting time posting pictures when they could be making even more of the messiah pills. 

7.4.98  
Both New York and Wisconsin are ignoring a federal directive which states that Medicaid should pay for Viagra. The states' reasons were basically that the pill was unnecessary and it could be dangerous. Now, considering that the large majority of poeple on meidcaid are senior citizens, i don't think anyone should be arguing that it isn't necessary. The last time these people got it up was sometime during the Regan administration. And as for dangerous, who really cares? If you're 80 or ninety years old, what would you rather have: a couple more decades of life, or a nice piece of ass for a change? I think we all know the answer to that one.

Oh, one more thing. A spokesman for the New York State Health Department said that "New York's main concern is the effect on people taking other medications. The cost is secondary."

Yeah. That's always how it is.

7.3.98
In what may be the biggest newsbreak since time began, Timothy McVeigh is said to be unhappy with the U.S. gov't.  Shocked?  Apparently, the alleged Oklahoma City bomber felt that our fair, benevolent system was cruel and hellbent on murder.  Oddly enough, he discovered this after joining the service.  I guess he was oblivious to any period before and  including The Civil Rights Era.  What in the hell did it take to discover how vicious this place can be sometimes.  Blowing up a building should've never been spawned by Waco, the procuct of zealot determined to die, not a gov't wainting to kill.

7.1.98
Today marks the second phase of over saturation for the season known as summer movie releases.  Armageddon comes out and many will flock to see it.  If you're expecting some sort of a review, then forget it.  The ending is foretold through commercial.  I'm not knocking it, but you should already know if you'll be going to see it.  Far be it from me to inadvertantly be responsible for helping the institution get even more. What you do is yours, not mine, to enjoy.

BTW, there's a new issue out today.  Click it right here.  Enjoy yourself.