Welcome to Temporal Dysfunction, a place for news. Nothing more. Nothing less. You won't get anything groundbreaking. Hell, some of it may even be old to you. What can be promised is that it won't be the same old same old. Think of it as your mini dose of the SDM ezine. Still concentrated, but just not so much of it. We're always open for new talent, so if you think you can hack out something for this bit of nothingness, drop something here.

It's great to crash on the couch again.

3.26.98
I don't know what movies are coming out, but I saw something about The Newton Boys. With the exception of Dwight Yoakam, why watch it? Skeet Ulrich, three 1/4 hit wonder boy. There are some other folks, but why watch it? What really messed it up for me was the fact that they played some dance music (republica) for the trailer which doesn't seem to fit in with a movie set in the turn of the century or before. On the plus side, there are guns, bank robberies, possibly some sex, and I'm willing to bet at least one chase. This could be good and, since the titanic is still out, probably fresh. But the question we must ask ourselves is: If the titanic wasn't out, would this movie be just another piece of shit? I think I've given all the clues you need to know. One finger, one thumb... just for the adrenalin tease.

It's great to crash on the couch again.

3.25.98
In California, a court stated that the Boy Scouts are not a business covered by anti discrimination laws, therefore the oranization had the right to bar homosexuals and athiest. Recently, another court ruled that such discrimination was illegal, offering further proof that we do have a cohesive judicial system.

The biggest scoop of all time. Paul Newman has a new competitor in the race to endorse all things usable. It seems that our old pal Princess DIe's signature will be endorsing none other than TUBS OF MARGARINE. That's right, Jordan is a fool, all this time he was wasting time trying to stuff his pockets with money from Nike and Gatorade when he could've been really raking in the bugs. Apparently this is for one of those causes with her name stapled to it and the margarine venture is expected to fetch at least $400,000. It seems they've made a wise decision.

ONE MORE DAY. Read the new (current) issue, it's not up there for nothing.

3.24.98
First things first. The Oscars sucked beyond belief. Play by play and all of that other bullshit just took the magic out of it. Then the Parade of Has Beens was a fucking mind blower. Finally, Titanic got the big one and I left it at that. I didn't watch the whole thing, RAW/WARZONE was on I enjoy a good slobbernocker over a slobbermaker anyday.

Here begins our last week on Disobey. We'll do our best to carry on. I can't make any promises about anything from here on here. Keep coming here till Thursday, which will be our last day.

In the meanwhile, check out our newest issue. Something now being referred to as The Bone Incident.

See you tomorrow

3.23.98
Today is Oscar today, so let's analyze. Why is it that every two-bit facet of the media is hosting some sort of bullshit $0.75/minute pick the winner hotline. Furthermore, why are folks falling for it. It's so sickening. Next year, maybe we'll host some sort of Guess Who Won't Win Contest. The winner(s) will lose fifty cents as does everyone else.

Onto predictions: Titanic. Now is the moment of my discontent.

A bit of observation before I go... the reason rock is dying is because of concerts like Creed & Days of the New (combined), the younger clones of PJ & AIC. Every genre has a puff daddy.

Finally, check out the new issue. Our most controversial to date. If you hate women, you'll love it. If you love women, you'll hate us. Bow down!

3.20.98
In case you missed it, the Chicago Tribune has been running a series on the Sally Struthers vehicle. The funniest part so far has been a couple who recieving letters from a dead kid. While it was an amusing story, I felt somewhat disappointed. Not once did I learn how this dead poor kid from Mali could speak excellent english, nor did they tell us how he did that writing from the grave bit. Here goes the obvious conclusion: the afterlife is really a happy, truer slice of americana. I want to live forever.

3.19.98
In the midst of political turmoil, it's nice to know that there's a movie about a president who isn't supposed to be Clinton. Nevermind that that has to be the biggest joke of all time. What's even worse is that John Travolta is proving that Vinnie Barbarino isn't his worst acting ever. If anything, his impression of a southern presidential candidate is like watching Forest Gump with a fashion sense. Not since Nicholas Cage has an actor made me hate southerners. On a plus side, Emma Thompson, the women whose very presence warrants at least an oscar nomination, is in the film. Unfortunately, she plays Wife of Quickwit. Billy Bob Thornton, the man who played Son of Gump in Sling Blade, is here in the "James Carville" role.

There's not much else to add except that while I never read the book, I hope that it is truly the iceberg that sinks the Titanic (I hate this analogy, but I'm beating the headlines). If you want to watch a real movie, watch the new Jackie Chan flick. Chances are you've seen it before, but who hasn't heard the Bill Clinton Story? If Primary Colors sinks the ship One Thumb. If it sinks the ship and dethrones the dude in the mask: Two Thumbs. If it comes in behind, not only Two Fingers, but some very foul language.

Who says conditional love is dead?

3.18.98
Now it's official, south park is bandwagon. Not only coverage in Time but a cover story for NewsWeek. What a fucking joke. Next thing you know, you're parents will be throwing coctail parties around this show. Could anything else be worse?

Seinfeld sticking around for a couple more years.

3.17.98
Kathleen Willey made a bold move in calling the president a liar? That's what I heard and here's why I don't care. He's a politician. If they don't lie who does?

According to the above, the president attempted to become intimate with her and failed. Get it? It was a lousy double entende but I couldn't resist. Anyways, she turned him down. That must be a real ego boost; to turn down that man that turns down nothing. How notable.

Now for some rationalizing... Why until now? Before she resisted coming forward, now she's first in line. I'm not supporting Slick, but everything now seems to coincidental. If she beat Monica to the punch maybe it would be the other way around, but the more kooks who take up arms in this the more prone I am to believe that Clinton is just a magnet freaks hellbent on being taken advantage of by the president.

If anything the fault of everything these days can be blamed a good ol' fashioned Harlequin. Damn creative daydreamers.

What if the world was only a dream scripted by John Grisham? Would the John Grisham counterpart write about a world where you could believe the guy with a briefcase and mysterious lawsuit?

3.16.98
Whoopdifuckindo. Titanic has beaten Star Wars finally. I don't care other than the fact that it made front page news and I can't believe the ink got wasted.

Now onto something more important. A man was convicted under the "three strikes and your out law" in California of a third offense which was a grand heist of four cookies. Sentence: 26 years to life. This reminds me of something a friend told me about. A man either took a cookie or he didn't. He was arrested and the punishment was a chorus of policemen singing The Pina Colada song. Absolute hell, I tell you. Now, do you know what? That song has been made into a rap. Maybe...

3.13.98
Okay this is a easy one. Forgive me for not doing this instead of that crap about America's Sweetheart yesterday. I just found out from a reputable wrestling newsboard that Chairman of the Board, the Carrot Top movie. I saw the previews on during Raw and forgot all about it Tsk, tsk, tsk. Someone should be tarred, feathered, dragged into the street, ridiculed by all who see it, hit by a miata going 15 mph, shot in the legs, and laid out on a table in the middle of a street barbeque for this crime against humanity. Once upon a time he was funny and even had a good appearance on The Larry Sanders Show, but he wore it out quick If it wasn't a movie I could understand, but this cost money. Somebody's a real idiot. Oh, the movie...

I think it's about some nutcase who inherits a position from a death or stumbles into the right place at the right time. Anyways, it's probably just like The Hudsucker Proxy. Just look at the title. There are only two options An idiot schmoe gets lucky and into all sorts of goofy mischief; or a chimp and some genius and have to battle a big company president. Either way, Disney is the only one with that kind of selling skill. I also predict that the movie will be annoying. If you've seen The Pest, you'll understand. In other words, prepare for a movie that'll be the iceberg on the movie charts. My friends, it is the bomb. Anything that includes wrestling in it's plugs has to be the IN thing this year. Poweful... Riveting... Delivers the message we've been waiting for... Finally, the messiah to our misguided generation.

Just remember that sdm predicted success for this movie. Rating? Time's up.

3.12.98
This, my friends, is a new section exclusive to Temp Dys. Movie reviews. Every Thurs. We will review a movie. What's the big deal? The movie will be reviewed by viewing the preview. It's a simple job, but something's got to waste the time. So, in our trademark way of sarcazzing, here goes the new unnamed section.

First installments are always tricky, but it must be done, so here goes. Leonardo DiCaprio has done Rimbaud, Romeo, some dead punk on a boat, a retard, and now a french king and his brother. Just because Jean-Claude Van Damme can do it doesn't mean anyone can do it. I'm not saying DiCaprio can't, I'm just saying I don't want to see a pretty boy and his clone. Maybe he can do it, but I don't care to find out. Another thing I don't want to see again are the 3 Musketeers. Not after what Disney did to them. Yes they are there as well as a bunch of people I thought had retired. Go ahead and see the movie just so you can watch a movie where the punk lives. Girls can check it out for double the pleasure, but will probably bring along walkman with a stuck Hanson tape in it. After all, the most exciting line I heard from it was "That is my brother." Rating: One finger.

3.11.98
Normally, with the release of a new issue we just let it lie at that, but not today. First, I got the new issue of Time and read my newspaper and you know what, it wasn't worth the paper. 1) I don't want anything with John Travolta on the cover 2) The politics game is bullshit. When I was a little kid, if I didn't play nicely with others, I had to go stand in a corner, not file a lawsuit because some guy MAY HAVE listened in on a phone conversation. I'm no anarchist, but fuck the government.

Second, the new issue that famed female issue we bitched on about. I've read it, and it is amazing the power that eight writers can deliver. For the record, I would just like to say that I am honored to be associated (albeit indirectly) with such a milestone.

BTW, did you know we have a new issue out? It's about time.

3.10.98
LONG LIVE THE URN OF CHAPMAN!!!

3.9.98
A look through a page of my local paper unveils the following...

A Nazi claims he is being prosecuted as the symbol "of all the evils" that transpired during WWII. If he didn't round up innocent people and kill them, he would be executed. I suppose that one's own life is more important than the situation at hand. Sure, the people would've died anyway, but he wouldn't be on trial today for the heinous acts he committed. In other words, who gives a damn about his well-being, let him suffer.

A 40 ton whale was found... dead and scientists are excited. What a waste of paper.

Queen Elizabeth, mother in law of that martyr for the anti papparazi, wants to make the monarchy modern and all of that other crap. Among the things that take her majesty's dysfunctional breed into the next century: no more bowing and cutting away expenses by dropping the nobodies of the family. Rejoice.

The Gallagher family singers in another spat. Where's the news?

Yankees shortstop is painting the town with Mariah Carey. I'm burning this paper.

Forgive the TDS ripoff. It's late and I didn't feel like thinking. Yes, that was an insult.

3.6.98
I'm looking at NewsWeek and noticed a couple of things, but I'll focus on one: Katie Couric, this week's winner for the Christopher Reeve Award Of Giving A Damn Because It Hit Home.

Sure, it was last week when she came back, but I just found out about her crusade against colon cancer. We all know that chances are, she wouldn't give a damn about the disease had her husband not died from it. Sure, colon cancer folks might appreciate the publicity, but her motives are from true. I don't know what kind of a person she is, but it just irks me when somebody does that token cause thing. Reeve did it. George Kennedy did it. OJ Simpson did it. Am I impressed by any of these folks? Hell no. I wish they would just go back to their lives and the meaningless causes they supported before then. Well, everyone except OJ, his charity thing is hilarious because it's still blatantly selfish.

In closing, I would just like to say that you should not support a cause because someone who JUST got hit by tragedy all of a sudden starts plugging it; chances are, you'll end up hating the cause.

3.5.98
Well, well. Seems the always-innocent Pamela Anderson Lee has been doin the nasty with everybody and their grandmother in front of a camera. First, there's the Pamela/Tommy Lee tape (hey, it was with her husband)... now, it's the Pamela/Brett Michaels tape. Couldn't have she at least picked a loser from a band that was successful in this decade? Next, it'll be a tape with her and Mick Jagger, followed by her and the entire cast of The Monkees. Pamela made a statement today outside her attorney's office, saying "It's like, wrong, to do this to me, and so many other people." While she didn't say what exactly was being done to her, we can assume it was bad, from the dark glasses she was wearing at the time. Of course, that could be due to her current estrangement from her costar/husband.

I've got to interrupt this one... I'm watching the news while i write this (call it inspiration) and it seems the verdict has been made public in the Spielberg stalk/rape case. The weird motherfucker who wanted to get funky with the director of directors has been convicted, of course (i think the charge was "being one sick motherfucker"). But it seems that authorities, in other words, the LAPD, have come right out on a limb, risking careers i'm sure, stating that the defendant (i.e. psycho) "definitely has some mental problems." Once again, the LAPD comes through with that hard hitting justice they're known so well for. Keep up the good work, guys. Hey, i didn't mean it that way. What are you doing with that tazer? Hey... Hey!! Stop! I've got a camera! Don't make me record!! I'll zoom! I'll Zoom!!!

3.4.98
First things first, scientists have released reports that lesbians have narrower ear canals than straight women. This is the first documented piece of evidence that shows a physical difference between the two. It also lends to the idea that preference is predisposed before birth. What's the punch? While this is more than a confederate wive's tale, I can't read this without remembering that bullshit line that whites have normal blood and blacks have red blood. Somewhere soon, a kid will go looking past everyone's ear wax and measure up canals so he can figure out who to rightfully call "faggot." It's a shame, but it'll happen. I'm sure.

Second things last. The Boy Scouts, with their own "Don't ask don't tell" policy have been told by a NJ state appeals court that discriminatiing against a gay scoutmaster was wrong and that he should have never been expelled. What's next for the straight as an arrow God fearing private organization? A case where two athiest children were kicked out for their personal beliefs and one by a man who was kicked out for being gay as well. It's not a good month to represent that perfect WASP ideology.

Why the theme? They were juxtaposed that way in a (southern) newspaper. Geography may play a factor.

3.3.98
Between watching A Family Affair and looking for news worth thinking about I came across something I hadn't heard about before. In Saudi Arabia, there is a set of bouncing baby septuplets. Three are at home and four are at the hospital... still. To tell you the truth, I could care less about the squabble between when the babies should come home (Hospital: Get out! Parents: Not yet!). What I'm interested in is the fact that I didn't have to read about it via coverpage browsing. It's great! In the states, when the birth became the antithesis of the Princess DIe tragedy, it made me puke; especially with the parents posing for just about any magazine with a title. I can't say that Saudi Arabia didn't eat it up, but since US is GOD, everybody had to put up with 7 amerikan brats who just didn't die.

Princess DIe update: The last man living reports that the unconcious lady was talking and the legally drunk driver wasn't drunk after all. Quite an accomplishment, considering he had amnesia not too long ago.Ê Maybe it's that gradual road to recovery. Nothing... selective memory... the realization of the fact that you were in a bad accident that can only result in a million dollar story... at least.

One more thing: A recent report is stating that the US should continue to threaten the world with our big nuclear stick.

We are still accepting submissions for the female issue.Ê Send inquiries here. This might be the last day.

3.2.98
You'd think Jennifer Anniston would have gotten the hint by now. Upon seeing a commercial for her most recent conquest in the name of failure, I felt the need to write this.

It is sad that we have to put up with the crap from tv celebrities. They can't make movies, but since they make middle aged women swoon, studios want to waste money on their shitty efforts. I don't have to say any names, because you know who you are. Furthermore, some celebrities never even get the hint. An entire cast, for example (minus one exception), has put out nothing but flops that SUCKED!!! There should be a rule that if you put out two consecutive losses, then you have to stop acting for five years. Not only would it teach lessons, but it would give us a break from the lousy acting, and possibly even the shows.

NOTE: If you're a female and you want to write for our female issue, Tuesday's the deadline, so send submissions here.