Welcome to Temporal Dysfunction, a place for news. Nothing more. Nothing less. You won't get anything groundbreaking. Hell, some of it may even be old to you. What can be promised is that it won't be the same old same old. Think of it as your mini dose of the SDM ezine. Still concentrated, but just not so much of it. We're always open for new talent, so if you think you can hack out something for this bit of nothingness, drop something here.

A bearded lady was shot and killed because she may have been mistaken for a man. Just to go one step further, she was with a lady (who I presume to be not bearded) and a guy got into an argument with the two ladies. The guy left, came back with a shotgun, and killed the bearded lady. From what I read, it was possible that the guy thought the bearded lady was a man having an affair with the other woman. First, shoes. Then, jackets. Now, facial hair.

2.26.98
From the network that brought you that Leann Rhimes movie, the Dennis Rodman story, and the Magical World of Disney comes an all new reason to go outside. While trying to avoid the grammys I came across an ad for the worst thing since the olympics. A gala to honor Christopher Reeve. You know, the guy you'd most likely forget about if it weren't for that horse accident. He's also the guy who probably wouldn't have given a damn about the handicapped had it not been for the fact that he was paralyzed in a horse accident. Also the guy who was an advocate for equestrian safety. I think that summed up everything. Anyway, this is just another reason why a certain channel sucks.

In the real world, it looks like Washington won't be imitating Hollywood. The war that would've been is fizzling out. We won't be getting one of those three way split screens of Monica Lewinsky's house, Desert Shield II, and the real news on CNN. That was the best part about OJ, a liftoff, and a real world back in the day. If only...

2.25.98
America's Favorite bible thumpers, The Promise Keepers, have hit a snag. They're almost broke. The not-for-profit organization which paid vice presidents between $78,000 and $100,000 apiece is begging some 3,000 churches for $1,000 donations. DON'T DO IT!!! (as if any respectable minister patrons this site). Without these donations, the employees of this not-for-profit organization where salaries eclipse those of most americans who work for profit organizations will have to be demoted to volunteers... or they could just walk off. Of course, the christian thing would be to work for this organization --where the vice presidents are raking in too much (could be an explanation)-- for free.

Then again, in this country, we have american christians. Money for your soul?

2.24.98
Forget about Clinton, the world is funny without him.

Sean "Puffy" Combs, re-producer of all things you have heard before, has set up a town hall meeting of sorts in New York City. Unlike other town hall meetings (which normally don't take place in the city for some reason), this is about something important. This meeting is designed to encourage rap and r&b artists to get more active with the voting process... for grammys. And we didn't really even need sarcasm for that one.

One more folks and it's probably funnier. A judge in York, PA (as if it makes a difference) has ordered a guy who plead guilty to stealing a car radio that as part as his probation agreement, he must send her a birthday card for this year and next so that he can remember the crime he committed. BTW, the judge's birthday and the theft both fell on the same day.

2.23.98
Well, the olympics are finally over and the only highlight seems to be that the US Hockey Team can redecorate without being paid to do it. It's nice to see overpaid athletes donate their time to such a worthy cause.

For the rest of this week we will focu on either the Iraq thing or ForniGate. Hopefully we'll be drilling you with both.

About this whole Iraq thing, it's being reported that the whole thing has once again been smoothed over and there will be no conflict after all. In the movie, we are supposed to go to war so that we forget all about the sexual troubles of our beloved chief. I guess they forgot to read the script.

2.20.98
Proving that amerikan citizens aren't the only suckers, some corporate sponsors payed $2 million a piece for 30 second spots for ads which will be shown during the Seinfeld season finale. It has also been reported that ER are pimping ads for as much as $800,000 for the show of the same night. While this is not even a rumor, it has been suggested by some sdm staff members that instead of showing the rest of the crap that comes before Seinfeld and between that and ER, NBC should show more commercials. Before Seinfeld: $500,000 Between: $1 million. And for the hell of it: up ER to $1.5 million. Not only will this help make up for the money that will be lost next season, but it saves us from viewing mundane crap.

It may even boost ratings.

2.19.98
A judge has thrown outthat case against Oprah under the veggie laws. I, for one, am relieved. Between that and the Lewinsky thing, I would've been glued to Court TV all day.

Now onto Ms. Courtney Love and the lesson to be learned. Nitty gritty: She was accused of slugging a couple of fans. She went to trial. She was not found guilty. It cost her over $25,000 with all the legal fees and such. She wants to be reimbursed. Instead, she got $1,900. What is the lesson to be learned from this? Here go some words of advice from a know-it-all nobody. Take the advice to heart.

If it's a case you think you can get out of, act poor and get a public defender. When it comes to saving your ass a few bucks, pride is an unaffordable luxury.

Defend yourself. Think about it, how hard was it to come up with "If it doesn't fit, you must acquit?"

Don't get caught. It's always cheaper. In the short run and the long run.

2.17.98
What's the deal with Titanic? I, for one, have not seen it, and I think that those who didn't watch it the first couple of weekends have yet to see it. So, what does this mean? It's not as successful as we're supposed to believe. If movie success was graded on how many different people have seen it, I don't think the movie would have cleared $100 million. It's nice that it's not a flop but it only goes to show one thing. Soap Operas could be making so much money.

I'm a big fan of Scream, but the same thing applies. If you count the different folks that came to see it, it wouldn't have cleared 25 million. It did good because the youth of amerika are psychopaths and went to go see the same movie every single week for several weeks. It's not capitalism, it's scary.

Never before have I been a proponent for people to do something with their lives, but now it looks like a good time to be such an advocate.

2.16.98
Just when you thought it was safe to think that Princess DIe really was dead, something else happens.

Apparently, "a friend" of hers has stated, for the record, that the princess was not pregnant and had no intentions to marry DODIe, the romeo who died next to her in the backseat.

It seems that anyone can get interviewed as a friend of the princess, which is sad. Eventually, I think we should have a roundtable discussion with the staff members of sdm so that we can see how they feel about the subject and how's it affected them. This would also include what we were doing when we got the news. I think it can be a tear jerking moment.

2.11.98
All there is today is one question:

What kind of a country do we live in when one turns on a family oriented news & entertainment show that would rather sympathetically discuss the marital lives of porn stars than discuss wrestling at all?

2.10.98
The newest issue of sdm is here.

2.9.98
Today is the 87th birthday of Ronald Wilson Reagan, 40th President of the United States of America. President Reagan had a healthy sense of humor.

At a signing ceremony for the legislative agenda and the economic report of the President on February 6, 1986, Reagan said: "I did turn seventy-five today, but remember, that's only twenty-four celsius." Well, if I did the math correctly, he's now 31 celsius.

This is not a political statement. It's just that he's 31 celsius.

2.6.98
Since we like to make it up to our faithful fanatical pissants, here goes something good for you. A big dose.

First off, Bill Gates was off away from his very safe compound and was pelted not once, not twice, but three times! For anyone who has ever picked on a nerd, momma's boy, or the dude that just farted then you can imagine the look on his face. I wasn't involved, but I saw it and it is worth a ppv price. He looked as if he was going to cry. To see one of the world's richest men wreak of vulnerablity is something that many don't get to see often. If only I had taped it.

The next inspiration movie of the week candidate, I think I found him. Casey Martin, the guy who the PGA doesn't want. For some reason, disabled people can't play golf, only healthy white boys, unless you count Tiger Woods, but he's bigger than golf so he doesn't count. All he wants to do is play golf, but a cart would make it easier. A golf cart would make alot of things easier, but who cares? For some reason, Jack Niklaus and Arnold Palmer said it's not fair for the other golfers who might develop a case of Lazyius Assus if Martin could use a court. I believe karma may come into play here because the aforementioned anti advocates don't want to stop playing golf and someday some young whippersnapper will be protesting the use of a walker. I don't know why, but who would've thought they'd prevent a man from using a golf cart because it would ease his pain.

Also on American Journal, the Bobbsey Twins probed the life of America's Media Whore For The Month Of January: Monica Lewinsky. Rather than ask the horse, they found some joke she was obsessed with back in high school. As well as 10 year old footage of a clumsy Sunny Bono as he caught his ski on a marker and crashed. If only accidents were a viable way of telling the future. After, one of the Bobbseys blinded me with th light of their radioactive whire teeth.

2.5.98
The original plan was to discuss the whole thing surround the first lady to suffer the death penalty in Texas for some time now, but I was watching the channel that puts out alot (of) bullshitty crap and what did I see? A promo for that Dennis Rodman movie. First Leann Rhimes and now this. To tell you the truth, I read the book and thought of how it would look as a movie, but this is not what I envisioned. Rodman is famous because he's not wholesome and here he is ABC's posterboy of the week. I just think that this movie would be better if done as a real movie with nothing cut. Nothing. What do we get? Disneyfied family nonsense no doubt.

I won't lie to you, I'll watch it, but I sure as hell won't like it.

2.4.98
It is sad that the only way to determine whether or not the president is doing a good job is to look at the modern day oracle called The Polls. To be blunt, this really sucks. First, don't ask the public, they don't know shit. If they did, we wouldn't need a president. Second, the president is doing a better job than the media because he's not getting on my television constantly and blabbering like some moron over a topic as trivial as adultery. Nobody gives a fuck as to whether or not he cheated on his wife. Something like that is not news. The question is did he abuse his rights as president? Personally, it doesn't matter to me. If he did abuse his position then get rid of him and let Snore, Bore, Gore step up. Got a problem with that? Then leave Clinton the fuck alone.

2.2.98
Dan Quayle came out of his treehouse in his underoos today to comment on the Bill Clinton situation. The alleged ex-Vice President stated that, in his opinion, we will know if the president is lying, just as soon as we find out whether or not he's telling the truth.

The Quaylemeister claims he is once again "debating running for the presidency in 2002", as soon as he can line up some financing, and remember which party he belongs to. As far as I know, no one has yet pointed out to him that the election is in 2000, not 2002.