Welcome to Temporal Dysfunction, a place for news. Nothing more. Nothing less. You won't get anything groundbreaking. Hell, some of it may even be old to you. What can be promised is that it won't be the same old same old. Think of it as your mini dose of the SDM ezine. Still concentrated, but just not so much of it. We're always open for new talent, so if you think you can hack out something for this bit of nothingness, drop something here.

The funny part of all of this is that his daughter was the one that got him caught. She called the police to go and check on him. And it's been an LAPD-esque kind of defending of the actions thing ever since.

1.29.98
let's talk about iraq.

funny thing... i always thought u.n. meant united nations.... i guess u.n. is just another word for u.s., though.... ever since iraq started balking the demands of the u.n., all the talk has been about what "we" are going to do about it.... not the u.n... the u.s. but it's not about amerika... we aren't the u.n.... what the hell was iraq thinking, anyway?... the first time, we bombed the fuck out of them for forty days and nights, and then the ground war lasted like a hundred hours.... there were iraqis surrendering to amerikans with cam corders. they were going around screaming "yalla bayamo icaranguan!!!" which is iraqi for "i'll give you this fucking gun for a fucking sandwich."...

in other news(?), according to president clinton, education is good, smoking is bad, and it ain't a matter of morals if it's oral.

1.28.98
Here goes the deal: Oprah said something bad that somehow caused the beef industry of TX to suffer. Ergo, they go to court. How amerikan. It seems impossible to think that Oprah believes she's done no wrong. The woman who has saved the lives of many struggling writers with her lovely book club. At the risk of sounding sexist, here goes the logic: Oprah has a talk show. The show is watched mostly by women and the emasculated. These are the people who traditionally cook. If Oprah, goddess protectorate of the housewife, says something bad, it's bad. Figure it out? Good.

In other news, the world sat down for educating as the State of the Union Address took to the airwaves. What did I learn? The world didn't stop for ForniGate (coined by some folks in Britain). Of course, all I got were names and countries. No actual details. For some reason abuse of power over something so stupid seems like a waste of time for the world to come to attention.

1.27.98
first off, i'd like to say, hey.... the super bowl is the super bowl, but i had a good time on super sunday.... yes, i know that goes against some of the things we stand for, but it happened. on to less important news.

i have to congratulate the los angeles times right now.... last friday, every single newspaper around wasn't able to talk about anything other than whether or not clinton did it.... the l.a. times at least had the decency to capitalize on that, and print something else.... i don't remember what, exactly, but there wasn't a single headline on the front page about clinton/jones.... by a show of hands, who cares whether or not clinton screwed around and then used his position as president to cover it up?

1.26.98
What's going on, today? Someone won the superbowl. Who cares about that when we've got Clinton? Considering that this is another story that speaks for itself, I don't think wit needs to be dished out here. Let me just state, for the record, that Clinton will never be a Kennedy. If only...

Remainder
Since nothing went up yesterday, I'll give you enough for that and the weekend. It's been packed.

First off, Castro and the Pope. It does sound like some fancy name for two ambiguously gay cops who know how to kick ass, but aside from that, what else? This little meeting does nothing but confirm my beliefs that the Catholic church is nothing more than a political organization. Not only that, but the pope really does have more pull than Clinton, not too mention, more balls than Clinton, Kennedy, and Reagan combined. Frankly, I'm still against the catholic church, but if this little odyssey is good for his ego, then may it backfire in his face.

How about Clinton? Supposdedly he had an affair with someone and then had her lie about it. At least that's how I heard it. All of a sudden, the world is surprised. What the fuck for? The only reason we guys run for president is because of the added perks. Not only that, but who in their right mind gets that much power by piping family values among one of his major "things" and then admits to having an affair. The logic is mind boggling. Personally, I don't care about him. If he had the chance for a re election, maybe I'd help raise hell for the helluvit, but he's almost gone and I only know one thing. I don't want Al Gore following in his footsteps.

Last bit children. Roe v. Wade: the 25th anniversary. Buy the keychains, coathangers, vacuum cleaners, plastic bags, and hats. You can also rent your very own set of Pro-Life/Pro-Choice bitchers. Great for that special dinner party that needs almost anything. This is just one more way of the media to remind the psychos that they have yet to kill enough doctors. Without those doctors, no news. No news only means that people may begin thinking for themselves again. You know, the ultimate evil.

1.21.98
According to someone who cares, Rosie O' Donnell is mad at Jay Leno for picking on those media-whores-to-be/children of Kathie Lee Gifford. Personally, I don't care, but think about all the crap Leno picks on. Should she be surprised? Leno isn't satisfied until he's exhausted the hell out of every single current event boring me to death. He never helps in the excitement, but he makes me feel alot safer, knowing that Jay Leno can read the paper. Unless, of course, he doesn't even write his own jokes, but what are the odds of that?

1.20.98
Sorry, no TD today. Everyone at SDM got together to watch the Spice Girls Concert on PPV and we're whupped from the experience.

1.19.98
Today is Martin Luther King Day. He was the guy named after Martin Luther: Leader of the reformation. Anyways, this is the day to watch all you can watch african-american film festivals on all your major cable channels. Normally, you wouldn't be able to watch these movies except on late weekend nights after the weekend horror flicks. You can also get a good eye sight of ethnical commercials that you normally don't see except on BET and during Yo! Forget the name of you favorite "40?" Strap in and have fun!

And one more thing. Recently, Georgia Gov. Zell Miller attempted to bring amerika one step close to the third reich when he decided that the government offer a free Classical musical to parents for their newborn children for a whole year. The way I see it: suggestion is one step above forcing and that is simply deciding what the people should have. Bad! Bad! Bad!

4.4 is when it all went bad... again.

1.16.98
There seems to be some controversey going around about a certain cigarette company purposely intended to get kids hooked on "cancer sticks." When asked about these allegations, the certain manufacturer denied such allegations. I, for one, was shock. I really thought that after all these lawsuits, investigations, and who knows what else, these guys would come clear and admit to trying to get "innocent" children hooked on drugs. Just like I expect OJ Simpson to tell Oprah how he murdered his wife. Any day now.

1.15.98
A woman sprayed brown spraypaint across busts of Christopher Columbus and Amerigo Vespucci. This was done at the White House. Security saw the spraycan and did nothing about it. There really is no need to be snide or sarcastic about it. Just think about it. Personally, I have no problem defacing Columbus. For those of you who don't know, Vespucci was the guy who pointed out that Columbus was an idiot, so they named some continents after him.

1.14.98
Miami mayor Xavier Suarez left the Miami Herald a message on their answering machine threatening to remove all advertising due to what he felt was bad press of himself.... The fact that anyone would threaten a publication over an article is bad enough, the fact that it was the mayor himself threatening to remove billboards and the like indicates two things:... that he is a weak little man with no spine, and that the Mayor has enough power to do such a thing.... Free press in America has been lacking for years anyway, but the fact that it has gotten to this level of strong-armed commercialism and politics indicates what has been obvious for far too long:... that the mainstream press can't and won't promote truth above all else, out of political fear, lack of funding, or lack of advertising potential and returns.... The fact that such a story was not even widely reported shouldn't come as a surprise, even though the action itself attempts to undermine the values that we, the American people, find so worthwhile in this country:... Freedom.... In short, the mayor of Miami, the Miami Herald, and the mainstream press can suck my nads.... The truth hurts, boys.

One more note, SDM editor is gone. It is a tragedy and no matter what he thinks, we are not out to get him. End of that, have a good life, we'll miss you.

1.13.98
Newsbreak: College Freshman Are Lazy!

Apparently this year's batch is slacking off, sleeping in, and a whole bunch of crap that the generation that walked to school ten miles in the snow just never did. Of course, with the advent of machinery and electricity, children are naturally going to get lazy. It's human nature.

1.12.98
In what should be considered a lesson to all parents, a mother was found guilty of felony child abuse because her 13 year old daughter died. How? She was 680 pounds. What's odd about all of this is that I heard the story on the news. The real news and not Hard Copy or Jerry Springer. I don't know what the world's coming to, when legitimate media reports on something like this. Since the child's death isn't recent, you've probably already seen that 75 pound baby Zach making the "My Baby's Fat, So Blame Me" talk show circuit. This was america's way of teaching us the lesson to be taught from all of this.

I would've thought the moral was to drink Diet Coke.

1.9.98
Once again, the evil strikes. It's bad enough that celebrities die. It's not my fault, but I live with it. When Princess DIe bit the big one, I could understand the hoopla. This woman, after all, was what media whoredom is all about. Sure, we all complained, but deep down, we all know it couldn't have gone down any other way. I respect that. What I don't respect is that I had to come upon the memorial service of Sonny Bono. I'm sure for my parents it may mean something to watch the passage of some sort of icon from their heyday.

On second thoughts, no. When Cobain died, and EmPtY v played the worst marathon since Jerry's Snorathon, I was pissed because Cobain was an idiot. While Bono may not have been playing Rocky Mountain High Snow Ski-Football when he died, he nevertheless did nothing but annoy me during the time we co-inhabited the earth. Remember that cameo on the Bo Knows commercial? Remember that stupid show with that cradle robber wife of his? Not once was I amused. And on top of that, he's still wasting my time after his death with that damn service being broadcast on national television.

Not that I normally watch the E!, I do have to pass it on my routine channel surfing missions. Had it been on CBS or ABC, I'd be cool with it because there is no way in hell that I go near those channels. Instead, I had to learn the truth, and I'm a lot worse off for knowing it.

1.8.98
Nobody has died that is worth reporting about, but let's not ruin a good week, OJ opened his mouth and you know how media whores are. According to the great actor who may have never had the luxury of playing Rocky Mountain High Snow Ski-Football if he did kill his wife it would've been because he loved her. Yeah right. That's why Hitler killed the Jews. He loved them so much they couldn't stay alive. Makes perfect sense to me. Be careful, someone may be spreading love to your neck of the woods.

1.7.98
First off, Sonny Bono is dead. He skied into a tree and died. From what I've heard, he was not playing the new game that's sweeping the nation... Rocky Mountain High Snow Ski-Football.

In other news, as I was doing absolutely nothing, something happened that completely changed my life. So much so, that I almost began crying. In a trashcan I saw the People Spectactular for Princess DIe. Finally, people are learning that it is okay to have enough. I hope that the people of this world can make a trash pile of crap about her that can equal that heap caused by the "outpour of emotion" over the dead woman.

1.6.98
I get the feeling that this will be pick on a dead person week.

It seems that Princess DIe's brother will be the great crusader. First, he lambasted the tabloid media for whatever the hell it was that they did. Second, he was caught having an affair. Now, you, too can look at the gravesite of his rotting-in-the-ground, dead sister. How much? For the price of a CD ($15.50), you can trip over the flowers and cards that the many tabloid reading losers around the world sent in. So, now you have an option: You can either buy that new memorial double cd set with a load of crap by people like to profit off the death of others or you can buy something equal to that. A trip to the deadlady's grave and before you visit, pick up that Elton "I'm not doing this for the money" John single. That way you have travelling music.

On a brighter note, it seems that we can safely watch America's Funniest Bullshit without Bob Saget. I guess this is a test to see if the show was really crappy or if Bobby Boy was just a no talent scum who had to kick people in the shins to get them to laugh. I'm hoping they realize soon enough that it was both.

1.5.98
A Kennedy has died and a new game is born. Rocky Mountain High Snow Ski-Football. Enough about that. It is not our place to make fun of the tragedy of others. Even if he was in the middle of the greatest game to come along since Niagara Falls Human Waterbarrel Polo. What we must do, however, is remember him for the good things. His uncle was a womanizer. His other uncle drove a car off a bridge. His father got the seconds of his uncle. If it weren't for these great thing, we wouldn't even know who this Kennedy was.

1.2.98
i have some wishes for 1998. first off, i wish that people would shut up about princess di. yes, i know i'm breaking my own just-stated rule, but it's the lesser of two evils. just leave it alone, people. she's dead. she's still gonna be dead tomorrow, and next week and next month. deal.

second, i really want to hear nothing else about jonbenet ramsey. we all know the parents did it, so let it go. there was an actual vigil in her name last week. it's like one of my favorite homer simpson quote: "Hey, that well kid is a hero." "How is he a hero, dad?" "Well, he went and got himself stuck in a well, and all that." having something bad happen to you doesn't make you a hero.

third: puff daddy realizes that he can't make music. i'm not saying some of the songs with the puff daddy label aren't good. but he didn't make any of them. he recently said, "people think i'm wacked, that i can't make a record..." well, he can't face the truth. he can take previous hits, and wow, he can make money with them. just like they did the first time. it's amazing.

last: people wake up and think, at least a little bit. probably should have slipped something in about people realizing my personal greatness. oh well, next year.

1.1.98
Actually, this is yesterday's and today's. Not that it matters, but it is. Since it would be kayfabe for us to wish you a happy new year and all of that other crap, how about "Don't get too drunk!" Good enough? It seems that most sites are making it a habit to tell you lies under the guise of promises, we won't. All that can be said is that someday, things won't be the same around here. Don't know when. Won't tell how.

For those of you who read, here goes a suggestion: Make no goals this year. You won't be disappointed when your life amounts to nothing 36something days from now. Since the world has taken a rest from feeling the thorn in its side, we have nothing interesting to dissect. Well, actually there many things, but all things can be seriously forgotten in a matter of minutes. With that said and done, take this last piece to heart.

Somewhere, a child is still crying.