12.30.97
ESPN2 is the place for the real athlete. Why wouldn't they? Not only do they host chess,
but know they allow me to see Magic: The Gathering Tournament. Since I was a loser at
school, this will help me fit in with my crowd of ONE at the closet I live in at home.
Just when watching ESPN1 was about to get me off of my lazy ass and play some basketball,
ESPN2 comes along and lets me know that it's okay to be a freak. I feel much better now.
Thank goodness for that.
12.29.97
Just recently there were a couple of vigils that transpired to commemorate the death of
JonBenet Ramsey, the child model-turned-dead. While it would be tasteless and perhaps
pointless to commentate over such a pathetic event, one has to wonder why. First the
people of the town where Mork from Ork lived complained because the media coverage was
ruining the town and making it difficult to solve the case. Naturally, incompetence was
never thought of, but think of it this way. Why in the hell would they pimp themselves out
if they hate the media. Advertising for a vigil, be it deliberate or coincidental, they
should play wise media whores and bleed this sucker for all its worth.
BTW, the Oranguatan is endangered. Keep on Earth, a few more species and we'll be all
that left! Keep on killing!
12.26.97
It's almost over. New Year's will be here and then what? Nothing. Not at all. Nothing will
change. There will be now renewed values on life. Your lives will be just as pathetic then
as they are now. A higher number does nothing for your life. It's as pointless as it ever
was.
If this was a newsflash to you then know this: It won't get any better.
12.25.97
G'Day, the slavery is almost over. One more real shopping day to go and you are
finished... for now. Then comes Valentine's Day. Either you're alone or you're wanted.
Society is great. Here go some words from Max.
Today is Christmas. Hope it's good! Once again, I want to ask you to do something good.
It doesn't have to be anything major, just put a smile on someone's face. I hope that you
all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Wishing you the best, Max Reagan.
In case you haven't been told, many old people decide to die during this time of year.
Suicides are prevalent. Something about being alone during the holidays. Usually, that's
the best part. I would relish the the peace and quiet.
Since this is the Xmas time, why don't you click here
and get a viewing of that Santa interview. Anything to get you out of the mood.
12.24.97
Busy for the court system. Not only was Terry Nichols(sp?) found guilty on various counts
of illegal activity, but so was Carlos "The Jackal". Since it is Xmas, and
surely the families have gone through enough media whoredom with books, movie, and the
picture of that dead baby turning into everything from a t-shirt to a commemorative
ceramic plate to a snow globe. It's possible.
In other news, it's Xmas Eve. Count on SDM to be a
complete waste of time if you want to sincerely celebrate in the true spirit of Xmas. For
the most part, we at SDM believe it to be a complete waste of
time.
12.23.97
New year wish list: Puff Daddy goes bankrupt. Mariah Carey loses her voice. Graham Chapman
rises from the dead. No more lame ass horror movies. Hanson breaks up. Spice Girls are the
cause. Master P gets amnesia. The Wu-Tang Clan puts out an album on time, or at least 6
months near there. Kenny G, John Tesh, and Yanni become disillusioned by the music world
and become reclusive. Bob Saget begins unemployment. An Oz marathon, once a month.
Santa Claus gets rabies from the Easter Bunny. G. Nih Ton gets pneumonia, arthritis,
laryngitis, AND mono... for starters. Pop culture realizes that SDM
is not an ally (we are not cool, kewl, or cute).
Those were not predictions, but if anything comes true, I was at home the whole time.
Your enemy, Armchair.
12.22.97
It has been reported that the percentage of those who don't doubt God has risen. How
convenient. Considering that this is the week of Christmas and next week is the alleged
end of the world, would you expect the number to decrease? Of course not. If these
statistic mongers wanted to get a more candid number, why didn't they take the poll the
first week of the new year. Not only would you find people not satisfied with life
anymore, but you would also find that there is no need to bullshit due to the gift giving
nonsense. It's just that simple.
12.16.97
Before we go any further, the lady on the MTV commercial has stated that it is alright to
be yourself. You can breathe easily now.
A big piece of news happened over the weekend. The great Louis Farrakhan travelled to
the middle east and to my surprise, and probably yours, he was not greeted by the shiny,
happy faces of Israel. I was shocked.
It has been approximately 5 days since the last whore dujour sighting. This could mean
that america is sick of children again. Good. Princess Die, however, is still alive and
dead. And on an even darker note, Elton John may be VH-1's artist of the year. You can
blame that on DIe as well.
Let's end this on a happy note. Charlie Sheen hasn't had a blockbuster since before
Mighty Ducks. Go party.
12.15.97
Let's do something different today. This is a chance to boost something going on at the
site. It's Christmas time, so in keeping with the holiday spirit, we have something
planned. An interview with Santa Claus. We still have him hostage at our
"base," so if you can think of any questions, send them here. Any questions at all will be asked. Any questions
at all will be answered. We hope.
12.12.97
It's no secret that many of us here at SDM are in absolute
awe of Jim Carroll. Which is why we should do our part to issue a piss off to those
associate the movie, The Basketball Diaries, with the Prayer People Slaughter that
occurred sometime last week. It's utter bullshit. So he shoots a priest. So? That was a
dream. The conditions were completely different. On the other hand, it means that Jim
Carroll can take his rightful place up there with J.D. Salinger as a person who psychos
use as a reference in their deeds. If I were him, I would be honored.
12.11.97
While wasting away my brain cells by watching the devil's tool known as television, guess
what should pollute my vision. A movie. No, not another Charlie Sheen classic-to-be.
Worse. Much worse. Leanne Rhimes is starring in a movie with Bernadette Peters. Yes, times
are tough and she has been reduced to playing second fiddle to Leanne Rhimes. Nothing
sarcastic to say about it. The fact that it exists in reality is a problem enough. All I
can say is boycott the movie and the network. It shouldn't be hard. When was the last time
ABC had something worth watching?
12.10.97
over the past few weeks and months, i'm sure we've all heard a lot about the alleged
"clinton campaign contributions" which are taking up so much of the media's
attention reporting it, and so much of our time having to listen to it.
it seems that the white house released further documents concerning the alleged
"money coffees," in which clinton allegedly took money from alleged investors,
despite the alleged fact that congress allegedly subpoenaed these alleged documents.
allegedly, of course.*
now, i for one would like to clear some things up right this second: i don't care. who
outside of washington, d.c. gives a flying purple elephant leaping fuck where the national
democratic party gets their money? i don't. and i don't think any of you do, either. some
of you would ask why i'm wasting your time (not to mention mine) writing this at all. to
those people, i say "goosnark", not because it means anything, but because it
feels nice. (try it. you'll find yourself saying goosnark often and liking it.)
i hope that clears a few things up.
*it'll make a lot more sense if you try to think like a media whore.
12.9.97
In Phoenix, a grave tragedy has taken place. According to the true source of all things
important, Hard Copy, a Charlie Sheen movie was being filmed and during a planned
explosion, "hundreds" of pigeons went up with the flames. I, personally, find
such an act reprehensible. For years, we "normal" people have had to stand idly
by while these fools make such careless mistakes. Hopefully this time they will learn.
To recap, another Charlie Sheen movie has made, and I am in utter shock.
On a brighter note for all you car owners in Phoenix area out there, you won't have to
put up with so many pigeon droppings.
You see, we can find the bright side of things.
12.8.97
You know what? It'll never be over. Princess Die will never die. That was the bad news.
The good news is that because of this traumatic conclusion we have something to write
about. First, it was the interview with one of the little girls who carried the back of
the dress for her wedding to The Royalty Formerly Known As Prince Chuck. It was nice to
avoid watching the trauma she experienced upon learning that a woman she hadn't seen in
over 10 years had died. I watched the wedding on tv and guess what. I was pissed because I
thought the accident was the best damned SNL skit to ever air.
Now, as I open up my paper, what do I see? They have interviewed the stewardess aboard
the yacht where Princecess Die and Dodie fell in love. The barrell is empty, so they had
to dig underneath the rocks to find a story. BTW, if this wasn't a Doris Day movie
already, guess how they bit the bug. It was a food fight. That's right, the quintessence
of British maturity fell in love over a food fight. I believe we are now socially deranged
by this act of dysfunction.
12.5.97
We could just rebuke the talk of the day and discuss something not affiliated with Latrell
Sprewell. It has been three days since I last saw the septuptlets or relatives or others
trying to cash in on the baby craze polluting my paper. It has been eleven hours since I
last saw that dead lady on the cover of a magazine. It has been -35 seconds since the
media decided to exploit another naive fool. No time has passed since the last insult
dished out by an SDM affiliate. It has probably been a few
hours since someone made you laugh. It is 1:05 a.m. Do you know where your dreams are?
In other news, SDM has undergone some slight changes. It
would be a lie to say we hope you enjoyed it all. It doesn't really matter. Within a few
weeks time, you won't even recognize us. Mum's the word, and so is Pee Wee Herman.
12.4.97
What haven't we hit upon in our abscence from the world? How about the Septuplets? Well,
not them, but the life they will be leading... as poster children for no cause whatsoever.
Rather than turn this into an editorial, we could point out past instances. Sure, when
they need money, the talk show circuit will come calling. They talk about all the money
that will be needed in order for this family to live. Well, that's a load of crap! This
family is being sponsored by almost anything recognized in the world of infant
materialism. A van, a house, diapers, baby food, and lots, lots more. You know what, when
I get tired of working for my family to live, I'm going to knock my wife up with
OCTtetlets, shoot her up with fertility drugs, and pimp my children to the general public.
Not only will I beat the current record, but I will be able to market my family as media
whores with mucho payback.
12.3.97
Sometime today, the long awaited new issue of SDM will go up.
Hell is still hot and we are still happy.
12.2.97
Let this be a lesson. It was inside, they weren't Y-clobbers and chances are he was a
psycho and not a nice, quiet kid. Any previous reports to the contrary have now been
retracted. We promise that it may happen again. May no one shoot us for the truth as told
to us by the media. If you wanted funny, you should've gone elsewhere.
12.1.97
Once again, we are back, and guess what? We're ignorant. Somewhere in the USA, a kid got 5
guns into a high school and killed at least three students who happened to be
"praying at the pole." Yeah, you know what kind I'm talking about. Y-Club
members. They come at you from all sides so that you'll pray with them. If anything, this
lesson can teach us all that you shouldn't wake up a few minutes earlier for the sole
purpose of worshipping the american flag. I'm not saying murder's right, I'm just implying
that those Y-Clobbers can be persistent. I doubt they got killed for it, but it brings
back memories when they attempted to get me to "pray at the pole." |
touch me, i'm dick 