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pg. 49. . .Disclaimers & such c1997-1998 Mongoose Type Entertainment |
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"My poor wife came in fairly handy." pg. 49 Believe it or not, the folks here at SDM do not advocate sexism, misogyny, and all that other stuff. Whether or not the respective authors of these pieces here believe what they say is unimportant. So, in other words, this issue is full of bullshit for the purpose of showing how evil men really are. BTW, it takes intelligence to be evil (conclusions to be made here). the such (in keeping with true male nature): Damnit, the concept issues are over. We finally figured that out so we went out and got drunk. After this, get off your asses and help us out. We forget the address, but this damn link will get you to the address. BTW, check out the damn site for daily updates on all sorts of bullshit. Damnit, if we have to remind you again, it'll be even worse damnit. I'm through with this shit, read the damn issue. But before you do that, go get me a damn beer. pg. 3:16 [It should be noted before I say Word One that the following editorial may not represent the views of the author .Then again, the previous sentence may not represent my views either. You figure it out. (And let me know when you do.)] Everybody who has seen "Rocky III" knows that Hulk Hogan is "the Ultimate Male." Or so he says. So when in search of the Ultimate Female, what better place to look than professional wrestling? Ahhh.... pro wrestling. Where macho men begin blood feuds with each other at the drop of a hat, and are frequently accompanied to the ring by a shapely female whose sole job is to look good in whatever her man dressed her in that night. Now THAT'S the life... But wait... that was 10 years ago. Today's wrestling babes have completely different agendas. Today they want to toy with men's minds. Some of them even want to kick men's asses. Gone are the days when we could all look forward to the day when we all possessed our very own Lovely Miss Elizabeth: a well-bred, completely submissive, totally quiet, pleasantly endowed babe with great legs and the ability to clean my house all day, then shut up while I watch TV and get loaded at night. What happened? I don't know, but now we've got conniving little bitches like Sunny who use men like pawns in a game of chess. We've got foul-mouthed whores like Francine who don't know when to shut the hell up. We've got one-woman freak shows like Luna... we've got uncoordinated dance teams like the Nitro Girls... we've got cigar-chomping control freaks like Marlena... and maybe worst of all, we've got Amazonian monsters like Chyna who could, quite frankly, kick my ass -- and yours! -- with the slightest provocation. Suddenly, trying to find the ultimate female in the ranks of pro wrestling seems like a mighty daunting task. I've already disqualified just about every woman who's making a living as a pro wrestling "personality." Hell, you even have to disqualify good ol' Liz, who has changed her act entirely since 10 years ago. She may still look like a million bucks, but now she can't keep her hands out of her man's business. Dammit! So what's left? Well, it looks like it's down to the WWF's Sable and ECW's Beulah. On the plus side, both have no problem looking good. On the downside, neither is content to do nothing but look good. Again: DAMMIT! They've both had man problems, but in the end, they've always come around. Both are a little too anxious to get in the ring and scap. Neither has proven to me they possess copious amounts of housekeeping and/or cooking skills. So, it's a draw... or is it? Wait, there's one criteria I've left off the Sable vs. Beulah scorecard: Artificially Enahanced Breast Size! Gentleman, we have a winner: Sable! Thank god there is a pro wrestling babe out there who realizes the importance of an ever-expanding bosom. Two years ago, when we were introduced to Sable, she was merely well-endowed. We liked her, sure, but wrestling babes like her had come and gone. Sable wouldn't stand for that! She's discovered one of the important truisms of the business: wrestling fans like big tits! She'd change with the times! She'd make sure we never got bored with her! She'd risk severe lower back pain, just to make sure there's a little zing in our Monday nights! So today, Sable stands -- albeit only with the help of a strong back brace or other hoisting mechanism -- before us as the embodiment of all that is good about pro wrestling babes: a walking advertisement for the wonders of silicone and/or saline. Sable's not the only one who has done the right thing for male wrestling fans everywhere by visiting her doctor and asking for a bit more on top. But she's the only one who shown that she really cares by going back and asking for seconds. And maybe thirds. Who knows where it might end? I, for one, look forward to finding out, and encourage the newly crowned Ultimate Female, Sable, to keep in mind that the sky's the limit, baby. The sky's the limit. pg. 1999 They told me not to write for this one, but I am here because these guys will mess up something and end up alienating female subscribers. I will say something in honor of females everywhere. I don't see anything wrong with them and for that reason alone, we should be singing the praises of female everywhere and not bashing them whether or not it's serious or not. My mother was a woman and so are all four of my sisters. My father died when I was very young and I am almost the youngest (fourth out of five) so I was raised by females and look how I turned out. Women shouldn't be called anything derogatory, not only because it's mean but because if it weren't for them we would be nowhere. I hope that none of you take that SDM seriously because we all know that the majority of them would get a major ass kicking by women anywhere if they chose to show up in the right place at the wrong time. Here's to women everywhere, don't hold them against me. pg. 42 i think it fitting that for this issue, i'm gonna talk about the most insidious manifestation of feminism in evidence. that's right. it is: girl power. in other words, i'm gonna jump on the bandwagon, and talk about the spice girls. seems everyone's favorite band decided that being great artist wasn't enough. no, they needed to have a "cause" as well. they're supporting women everywhere by screaming "girl power!" at anyone who will stand still enough to hear them. of course, they're not giving money to any organizations for battered women, or donating their time as celebrities to a good cause for women. or doing anything that could remotely help any living being anywhere on earth. but they are yelling the words "girl power" a lot. and dedicating awards to Princess DIe. and isn't that all it takes, really? just running around, fake breast flying, knocking down the passersby, shouting catchy phrases? show of hands. come on people, i know you're out there. what, you dare to doubt the sincerity of the spice girls? you think they're trying to back up their dull lyrics which feature unimaginative background music with a slogan which will appeal to millions of teenage girls? you think the spice girls could be... shallow?? maybe you're right. maybe they are just in it for the mountains of money that they're raking in. but think of the children. pg. 178 Can I start off by saying "Happy (belated) valentine's day?" As if it hasn't already become a miniature X-mas. Well, let me play you a bittersweet symphony. Well, sort of. It's really just bitter and there is no music involved. Nevertheless, here it goes. With all the hoopla going on with Mike Tyson and wrestling, it brings back memories of a young beauty pageant judge who had a late night get together with one of the contestants and ended up in jail. So? Well, that little episode reminds of something that went down sometime between the two and that something is my valentine's memory. Once upon a time, I had a good friend. You could even say we were, at times, closer than that. Well, one thing led to one thing and that thing lead to another and viola, she got raped. I didn't do it, but it was a great way to grab you. Not only did I not do it, but she would never let me know who it was that did do it. It hit me with that proverbial bomb. For those of you who can't relate, it's hell to watch something like this destroy a person and not be able to do anything about it. In most cases, this is most of the story. What would normally follow is rehab and other stuff that would take some time to go through so that you might have a normal life. In this case, this was far from the end of the beginning. Guess what? She got raped again. And again. And again. And again. And again. After that I just lost count. Her tears were boring me and I got tired of smelling her hair when she would cry on my shoulder. I almost suggested changing the strawberry scented shampoo, but why? There are just certain times when you shouldn't disturb a woman. You know what? I think I left out some minor details. She got raped by the same guy at least twice. Two of these times went down at the same place. The rest of these rapes happened within walking distance of each other. After number six, I gave up all hope of anything normal happening between us. Here goes the biggie. I think she overdosed on Candide. In other words, I think that she was full of shit. Unless she wore a sign that said "RAPE ME FREE OF CHARGE!" I don't think it could've happened. Sure, I know america is bad, but c'mon. She lived in a fairly nice neighborhood where the (reported) rape average was probably one per year (at the most). If this were Bosnia or some other war torn city/country, I'd buy it, but she got "raped" over six times and all she could do was cry with the acting quality of a bad porn actress. At least that was my impression. Am I mocking the trials and tribulations of a raped woman? No. I am very serious about this which is why I'm writing it. What did this have to do with valentine's? Nothing, I guess. Well, if it's any consolation I don't think she got raped on valentine's, which could be saying a lot. pg. 2.7 My ideal wife would be the perfect looking woman. Silky blonde hair, legs that would not quit, a body for sin, and a face like an angel. Her only goal in life would be to please me. When I come home from work, she'll get down on her knees and say," Oh honey, what so ever can I do for you?" I would reply," Well for starters make me some dinner. Secondly, take out the trash. Finally, get undressed and wait for me in the bedroom." Of course, excitedly she would reply," Yes honey!" That would be my ideal wife! pg. --- The bitch looked cheap to me Rollin down the street in a brand new whoopty. The bitch looked cheap to me See a fine bitch and the bitch wanna do me. In a hotel. The bitch looked cheap to me Look at me now, standing at a Wendy's The bitch looked cheap to me Roll up then, gotta get the grub. pg. 3.3 Here is another column I wrote for the South Georgian, this one on 4-2-94: "Peoplehole"-imagine seeing this word on a sign while driving down a road, Strange thought, isn't it? Except for some feminists out there, who think it sounds great. In that case, they probably will not like this column (hopefully anyway!). I do not necessarily feel there is anything wrong with women fighting to get equal treatment. I just feel that there is a difference between such issues as women not getting equally paid for the same job as a man, or women being harassed (these are serious topics that everyone should try to solve) and claiming that it is wrong when a female cannot get admitted into an all male school or club (as if there are no all female places). Another thing I personally dislike are physically unattractive women arguing that beauty pageants are sexist and immoral. Funny thing, but I do not remember ever seeing any women with the good enough looks to enter one of these pageants complain. Going a little out of the way here, when mentioning abortion many feminists will say it is the woman's right because it is her body. This would mean it is a woman's right to show off her body however she wants because it hers (oooooh crunch!) Besides, the women complaining about the pageants probably do not miss their weekly trips to the Xanadu Male Reviews. When I see women on the news, marching around, holding up their little banners, shouting about minute, trivial things such as changing the names of signs from "Men at Work" to "People at Work" or "Manhole" to "Peoplehole" I just have to laugh to myself. To me this is almost as amusing as it is pathetic. "Mankind" is supposed to represent both genders. This helps explain why such words as "Manhole" and "Congressmen" exist. This is why I feel somebody should tell these extreme feminists to get a life. Besides, I cannot remember the last time I saw a woman working down in a sewerhole. Peoplehole indeed! pg. 007 Fuck society. For as long as the world has been in revolution any and everything wrong has been blamed on the man. Why? That's what I want to know. It's not the man's fault. It's just so convenient, because we are so thick skinned. Let's go after something specific here. Deadbeat dads. What a load of bullshit. Hasn't anyone ever thought to see if it was really the father's fault? Probably not. For all intents and purposes, I think that the fault falls on either the mother or the child. Do I have some reasons or logic here? Buckle up, I got a shitload. Let's look at the mother first. We all know that women can be bitches. Furthermore, we know that they've got that whole time of the month thing going. When a women hits that time, all hell breaks loose. After a woman has a child they can get really bitchy with all sorts of mental illnesses. I am sure that Lorena Bobbit was on some sort of trip when she took to carving up the family turkey. If a man is smart, and we all know that they all are, he will get the hell out of there because he doesn't want to become nothing more than a memento. Why does he leave the kid? You know what they all say: Like mother like bastard. How about the kid? Why does he get left behind? One, he's just like his/her bitch of a mother and that right there is a bad thing. Two, he's a little brat who needs to have his/her way all the fucking time and that can be expensive so get the fuck out. The final reason is the most obvious; the baby is an ugly little shit and can't be looked at if you want to walk away with your lunch. Let me close up here with one last message. Never blame the father, because chances are, it's not his fault; but because of our society today, the men have to be blamed or else the women will get even more bitchy because they won't have to hide their faults anymore. On second thoughts, blame the man. There is nothing worse than a woman who has no choice but to be bitchy. pg. 160 (2 GUYS sit in an ugly apartment, watching the tv before them which glows in their faces) GUY 1: You can change it. (Lights out) pg. 522 I refuse to female bash because they're not the enemy. The real enemy is the pansy ass sensitive male type who's "not afraid to cry," likes to hug, watches Titanic (at least) weekly, and loves Celine Dion. When I see that "man," I'm kicking his ass and you can thank me for it. I've heard that women dig this kind of guy and let me tell you this, it has to be bullshit. The only way a women could dig that type was if she was gay, and that can't work. I speak from personal experience when I say this because I know these little pussies who spoke up for women in so-called sexist debates and took HomEc for all the wrong (meaning right) reasons. Before you think this is homophobia, let me prevent that. This kind of guy isn't gay, he's just a sweetie pie. He can do all of the things that gays can, but he falls for women consistently and lets them treat him like shit because he's a pussy. One more thing before my theatre of pain, this is a personal vendetta being carried out. I know somebody like this and I enjoy the agony he endures. Let me tell you about the time I'd have with this kind of punk. First, I'd pimp slap him up and down a street. I'd be in a car holding onto his shirt and he'd be outside, hopefully bleeding. After being weakened to a point of absolute pleasure, he'd be forced to dress up like a girl and make him dance in front of camera with a mop. Eventually, I'd break the mop on his body and drop him off in front of the house of his most recent disappointing crush. Somewhere in there, I think that his Celine Dion and Barbara Streisand collection would be destroyed. BTW Max, if you hear a car outside your house tonight, I'd suggest you not open the door, you sniveling little bitch. pg. 55 3rdclass (The 2 GUYS are still there watching tv. Long pause) END pg. 113.5 hey, i'm new here... another new guy, yeah, whatever. morbus told me about this little shindig, and it was only about 10 minutes before i realized it was better. its a long story. i'll have to tell you some time, but i'm bored right now, so i'm going to give you the top ten reasons why i hate chicks. 10) they have better hair then me (which is really pissing me off) this is fucking stupid. i'm sitting here, and i had all these reasons, and now when i try to write them down for this stupid magazine, i can't think of a damn thing. what a waste of time. you know, i ask to come here and help out, and all i get is this crappy column cos some other guy didn't like it, so they shifted it on to my ass. 8) psychologists call them gentler and more caring (hey, i can hurt) what the hell did i just say that for. um, i'm not gay, so don't start calling me sparky. i just can't think of any damn more reasons so shit is just flowing from my ass. 6) communal bathrooms (i can never talk to people about my problems) ok, i'm really stretching it here. sorry about this. what do i care anyways. no one is probably reading this. i could probably stop now, and no one would care. that's a good idea. bye. wait, wait, wait. i just thought of something. 2) they can sleep with people to get higher in their job there. i'm done. pg. 257 Forget the fact that the feminist movement was one of the biggest headaches of my marriage. Forget the fact, that if it weren't for womYn I wouldn't be the bitter bastard that I am today. Forget the fact that womYn should be pleasing me and not slapping me. Let me just get to the point so that you can all go home. One more thing, forget the title. I hate womYn, which is why I am asexual. Men are pigs and womYn are bitches. I won't adhere to any rules being set forth here, I hate both genders and that's what gives my shit a different smell. I suppose that I should have more reasons than what I've got listed already. If that's the case, here goes: I've never used a womYn's bathroom, but I've seen the line. I've had to walk around the line. Pisses me off. I've seen the inside of a bathroom. There is a fucking lobby. Pisses me off. When I smell a womYn, I don't smell a womYn I smell the worst scent ever. Pisses me off. All womYn assume that I want sex. I wanted the time. Pisses me off. WomYn lie to evade the time of day with not just me, but all men. It not only pisses me off, but it hurts the delicate egos of men. Seeing a man cry pisses me off. I can't call a womYn a bitch without having to justify myself. Pisses me off. WomYn think that they can control me by my dick. Fools. I am a one of a kind, so get used to it. (c)1998 G. Nih Ton. Reprinted with permission. pg. 000 Katie Couric of the Today Show asks a recently divorced female is she'd considered castration as an option. No one says a fucking thing. Karla Tucker, after being on death row for years, is finally put out of her pathetic existence. Women's groups all over the country are up in arms because a "female" was executed. If it were up to me, I'd fry the corpse a few more times, and add the bitch Katie to the front of the line. If Dan Rather had asked a recently divorced man whether he'd considered sewing up her vagina as an option, well, is there anyone here that thinks Dan and his stupid toupee would still be employed? Hell, all Marv Albert did was bite a female who wanted it and he's out of a job. Katie didn't even have to apologize, much less explain the hypocrisy her and her network displayed. Karla Tucker should have been put to death, a long fucking time ago; instead, she, like most other death row inmates, got to suck up our tax dollars for another ten years before finally leaving this rock we call Earth. Statistics show that there are more unemployed men, married and single, than unemployed females, and yet all we hear about is how women want their rights. What rights are those? I'm just curious, there are already more of them working than men. Furthermore the work they do is a hell of a lot fucking easier than the work a man does. The bureau of labor statistics states that 99% of all work related injury and death are reported for men. Women also live longer than men do. This is, in my opinion, a result of them driving us out of our fucking minds. We are happy to leave existence a lot sooner than a woman. And why shouldn't we be? We get charged with sexual harassment at the drop of a hat, for saying someone looks nice, for putting a hand on their shoulder; meanwhile, statistics show that women are more "touchy" than men, and yet the cases involving sexual harassment for women aren't even half those men. The women's movement should use this as their motto: Hypocrisy is a terrible thing to waste. I look around, at the woman's movement, and all I see are hypocrites. They've propagated a myth that all men are dirty, want only one thing, and own everything. None of those are exactly true: Most of us bathe, we don't always want one thing (there are two specific body parts on a woman I'm interested in, for instance) and we don't own everything; that's right, we don't, because of the 50% of divorces, the woman takes the whole shitload of stuff a man worked his ass off to acquire. The fact of the matter is, if a man were interviewing another man, he'd never say something like that on National Television and get away with it. And if a man had slaughtered those people, as Karla Tucker did, he'd have had the decency to remove the axe from the body. Period. End of story. pg. 1 Not too long ago, I had the pleasure of watching a movie that should've changed the way society views itself, but do to the fact that it wasn't popular enough, many of you will never ever see it. Which is where I come in at. "In The Company of Men" is a stellar masterpiece. In fact, I will go so far as to even say is that it is a masterpiece that shows us what reality should be like instead of how it is today. To sum it up in two sentences or less, it is about two men who have been put through shit by women and have earned the right to dish it back at the gender by way of a sacrificial lamb that they find in an office temp. To cut it even shorter, the heroes get even and the little bitch is left there to suffer as she should. My only regret is that this was just one women and not the entire female race. Now let me give you the juice. These unlucky fools in love get back at this woman the only way that a man knows how. Through kindness. They give her flowers, take her on dates (never at the same time), and other acts of politeness. What's so vicious about it? Not a damn thing. The only bad thing done is when the relationships are broken off. The woman, being the cruel, vindictive bitch that they all are breaks up with one guy and he is heartbroken, because like all males, he is sensitive. The second guy, however, knowing that his friend has just been devastated breaks off his part of the relationship because he is a good friend. What did I learn from this movie? That men are kind and undeserving of the pain in this world but have no choice but to feel it. Women, however, will stop at nothing to crush the hearts of the men who love them and that we should all be weary of any creature considered fairer and gentler because it's all bullshit. Women will eat your hearts alive fellas, and I'm living proof. Not to sound corporate or anything, but this is the way it goes. The newsletter and its concept belongs to Mongoose Type Entertainment. Anything written belongs to the respective authors, so please don't go ripping any of us off. We're not getting paid for this, and you shouldn't either, so don't be an asshole, go write something yourself. Give credit where credit's due. Everyone here does what seems to be a good job, so all we're asking is that you respect that. Women: can't live with them, against the law to kill them. |
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