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"Do you think I care, about those emotions you wear?" pg. 9 Editor's Note: So that you may get on with your leisure reading of SDM, I would like to let you, the reader, know that while it may not matter to you at all, we at SDM have decided to accept the offered laid down by disobey.com. As always, something like this leaves a taste of good news and bad news. The bad news is that there are some here who are unhappy with our decision to progress to a slightly more mainstream status from the cult status that we have enjoyed since inception. The good news is that tension is good for living. Back to the bad news, because of this decision, we have lost an editor and have acquired a very pissed off Pete. Their argument is that this would thrust us into the mainstream and they don't think that we can handle it yet and in the process we will alienate you, our readers. For (un)obvious reasons, I think this is bullshit. -PBW the such: Important stuff. The deadline for the female issue is 2.20. If you are interested, drop a line here. This is for everybody, as long as you're female. Speaking one sex kind of things, we are also looking to put out a counter issue following the female spectactular. It's a male issue. This one will be very different, and since we don't want to ruin the surprise, drop a line here to get more info. Starting this issue, we will begin including poetry. Don't get your hopes up, though. Everyone seems to be a poet and we don't have room for everyone. You can try discussing it with the man at this address about what can and cannot be included. Who knows? Maybe we'll make you famous. The Valentine's Day bsq has yet to go out, which means time for you to send in questions (here) about that dreadful day. It'll go up 2.13. pg. 180 Valentine's Day. Whoo-hoo. You know, it's been almost two years since anyone gave me flowers. I'm a girl; I keep track of these things. Oh, wanna hear something else? I won't have a Valentine for the first time in about four years. I wonder if it'll be as godawful as everyone always says, because the last time I was dateless on the 14th, I was really too young to give a shit. But you always hear everyone complain. They whine and say ohhh I feel so lonely and heartbroken and this one jerk dumped me two weeks ago and there's all this kissing going on... okay, stupid. Stay home, then. If you KNOW there is going to be kissing everywhere (which I, personally, have never noticed, but maybe that was because I was deep in liplock all the livelong day) and you KNOW you won't like it, stay inside and play Quake till your eyes go blurry. What am I doing for V-day? V-day. Cute. Like D-day, except that the two have absolutely nothing in common. Okay. Never mind. I'm doing... hell, I don't know. I've got a couple date ideas in mind, but none of these guys are really special enough that I wanna spend this Day O' Love with them. They might get the wrong idea, you see? Maybe I'll do one of those group things. Hang out with the girls in sweatpants and bras, inhale nothing if it's not through a Camel filter, ingest nothing if the side doesn't read Absolut, and cheer for that bald-headed security guy on Jerry Springer. Love is for starry-eyed sluts and the elderly. I'm not stupid; I caught on to that a long time ago. Which kind of, you know, makes me wonder why I miss Him so damn much. I mean, please... it's been six months. And you know what he gave me last V-day? A cactus. I'm serious. pg. #2 I've got to write this to the music of the Afghan Whigs as well, so I shall. The greatest love movie I ever saw was Forrest Gump. It was also the most saddest. No wait, I think it was Jerry Maguire. That's it. Sometimes, I just want to cry, but it's the greatest feeling ever. The most moving piece of music ever was Purple Rain. That man is a genius. The best book I ever read was Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut. It's like being held hostage and having to give your name rank and serial number. The funniest part about this whole thing is that I'm using a laptop. It just seems weirder than using paper and pencil. How many of you have kids? They're wonderful. Sometimes you just have to stop and standback and think, damn, could I really've done all this? My life's been wasted away, how about yours? pg. 54 [This is an essay I wrote for my English 120 class. It got handed back to me, without a grade. I'm still trying to figure that out.] Once there was this guy. I'll call him Andy, because that's his name. Anyway, Andy was supposed to take me out on a date last Valentine's day. But the sorry bastard never showed and I never saw him again. Probably because I made the whole story up. Sad, isn't it, what people will do on Valentine's day? I knew a guy who painted himself chocolate [don't ask] to impress this girl he liked. But then, it was wild that winter in the psychiatric hospital, and Frank painted himself chocolate every year, so no one was really suprised. No, don't stop reading yet. This actually has a point. As I said before, people will do anything on Valentine's day. It's a sad, pathetic sight. People put their emotions on the line, only to be crushed brutally because the sorry bastard was already dating that airhead cheerleader who tripped you in fourth grade. But I never liked him much anyway!! No, I didn't!! But getting back to the original point, February 14th is a day that people will do almost anything, all in the name of that damned thing called love. Like the time that loser in my trig class sent me those german chocolates. I had an allergic reaction to them and spent a week in the hospital recovering. I never saw that nerd again. Like I said before, though, people will do anything to prove their point. Such as the fact that every preceeding incident is a product of my grossly overactive imagination. Sad, what people will do, isn't it? Okay, I lied, this didn't have a point. But really, does anything? Does Valentine's day? Nope, didn't think so. so maybe you ought to give that a little more thought before assigning something as ludicrous and tedious as an essay on Valentine's day. This isn't elementary school. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pass out my Garfield valentines and get myself some punch and cookies. [It just occured to me why this wasn't graded -- I gave it to my calculus teacher. damn, damn DAMN!!!!] pg. 1999 Here I am, the voice of reason for SDM and here are my thoughts on Valentine's Day. Valentine's is a day for joy, romance, pleasure, and a time for sitting back and appreciating all that is beautiful in the world. You don't need a "somebody" to enjoy Valentine's. All you need is a heart and everyone who's a person has a heart. One shouldn't have a closed mind when dealing with Valentine's Day, it only keeps you and those around you from enjoying it. While my favorite holiday of the year is Thanksgiving, followed by Christmas, I think that Valentine is a close third. Anything that lets me appreciate human nature is okay to me. True, I don't have a squeeze, but what I do have is the willingness to go out and spread joy to the world. And that, my friends, is what everyone should do. Lay down differences and embrace one another. A love-in is in order for mankind. Forget about wars and negative media portrayal, put your differences aside and love your fellow man. That, is all that I ask. Nothing less, nothing more. pg. 86 Valentine's sucks. pg. 257 Valentine's Day. What a joke. This is worse than that supposed baby Jesus holiday. What does it mean to me? It means that I can't go to anyplace other than a gas station for a whole week, because the only thing they sell are last minute roses. Then again, I can't go there because of the lottery ticket situation. I believe that my biggest problem with this day is that it's a kids holiday and a couple's holiday. All a divorcee can do is go to the park and egg all the losers. Now onto the other losers. Valentine's is a pathetic holiday. Let me give a sample from the bitchers: "I'm so alone!" "I guess I'll watch (shitty) movies and eat chocolate." What a fucking joke. Why is it so important to belong? It shouldn't be, but it is. Talk shows dwell on it. Local news dwell on it. GMA and related shows dwell on it. And naturally, American Journal dwells on it. Suicides, loneliness, and flat out losers. What a fucking joke. Now is the time when I offer up advice. GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS AND STOP ACTING LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! Valentine's is a day not a test. You don't have to pass anything, just get on with it and it'll be another day, not a journey. You people disgust me. I don't know which is worse, the dick who has to put the day in everybody's face or the wierdo who has to down everybody because he's too much of a loser to have a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever else is cool in this day and age. c1998 G. Nih Ton. Reprinted with permission. pg. --- [After love] He lies He lies He lies and my renews. [a poor attempt at goth poetry] I [Embrace] She looks at me, pg. 113.5 In case you didn't know it, this issue of SDM has been laced with Valentine's Day kind of crap. Since no one here is a stand out, why not blend in. This is a Valentine's Day version of In Excess. Do not enjoy. All of these ideas are for Valentine's but can be easily applied to a normal day. Best way to break up: Don't show up (if you don't appear at all on that day, it's certain the relationship will end up dead) Best movie to rent: Guys showing the movie: Natural Born Killers (for some reason, women don't dig it, so the heads will turn... to your shoulder). Women: How the hell should I know, but chances are it'll probably suck. Best movie to go see: Spice World (what else can you make out during and not miss a single thing?) If you want to get in "the mood," then check out Titanic for the fifth+ time. Best restaurant: If you're going to see a movie, then you can't afford a real restaurant, go to a Sizzler or something else psuedo nice. Best place to have that special "moment:" Lazy people: The bedroom (it saves time) True Romantics: A shore of some sort, if you can't find water, then check out a baseball field. Best place to get a condom: If you don't want to get noticed by the other guys looking to get lucky at the last moment, hang outside a drugstore and trip the first guy you see come out. While he's down, sift through his array of magazines and candybars to find that almost hidden box of condoms. Be nice and share. Best place to get it on: Adulterers: The Notel Motel. Those who think fucking in a different room will spice up your love life: Anyplace that sets you back for a week. Best way to forget about your mistakes on Valentine's: Can't help you there, problems on that day seem to linger. Best way to ruin someone else's Valentine's Day: Go up to couples, look at both people, and ask the guy, "What happened to Heather?" It's funniest when the girl's name IS Heather. pg. 007 Who would've thought I'd be talking about valentine's day? If you did, then you're wrong. I'm going to discuss love and dedication and all of that other bullshit. Let's look at real love. Is real love having two beautiful children and killing them for a man? Is real love killing your wife because she might have taken a quick glance at some guy on a motorcycle? Is real love striking down a child for having an opinion? Is it really? I hate to sound as optimistic as the next guy, but real love is unconditional acceptance. We all know this. None of us practice it, because that would be the right way of doing things. It seems that the current trend in love is to cheat on your spouse. Hell, some people were raised like that so who am I to judge? Maybe we should just scrap love. We could eliminate and replace it with respect. To tell you truth, that idea sucks. Love sucks. Love never happens for what it should. There's always some other reason. You get pregnant, you're in love. The guy around the corner is Ed McMahon's new friend, you're in love. Someone save your life? Tell them that you love them. Preachers and such will tell you that you should love everybody. How many preachers love Marilyn Manson? I suppose that the underlying message here is that everyone's full of shit. Not many people really love you, despite their words. If you think about it, who do you really love? I'm willing to bet that it's a lot less than you'd claim it to be. That's life and I don't care. I don't want you out there running around like a madman trying to love everybody. You know and I know, love is an excuse, not a feeling. pg. 30something Am i the only person who absolutely HATES valentines day? It's not that i dont have admirers who send me cards and flowers, but i just happen to dislike the whole idea of setting up one day a year to shower your beloved one with overly - romantic (bordering on sickening) cards, little pink fluffy bunnies with "i wuv u snugglepuss" written on their satiny red hearts, flowers - never a good present, they wilt, die and besides, they cause allergies, and candy, in heart shaped boxes, wrapped in a red ribbon. Valentines day has it's good side though. It's the perfect day of the year to get away with things you wouldn't usually do. Like sing sappy love songs without having the shit beaten out of you, ask the guy/girl who you have a major crush on, out, and if they say no, tell them they've ruined your valentine day, and you'll never forget it. Except for the hard hearted (sensible?) people, usually this guilt trips them into giving you a chance, leaving you to bowl them over with your dazzling personality. Of course, if that doesnt work, then your chances are looking kinda bleak. But that serves you right for being a boring tit anyway. And another thing (i'm on a roll here!) who the hell chose the traditional colors for valentines day?? It must have been cupid, he's meant to be shortsighted. must be colorblind too. It is a major pink overload!!! and not cool pink either (if you can count some shades of pinnk to be cool that is...) pukey, pastel colors leap at you from greeting card shops, postoffices are bombarded with giant pastel envelopes, thus blocking any "normal" mail you might need sending, and when you get up on valentines day... a horde of pretty pink *gag* envelopes are waiting on your doormat, begging to be opened. people take it so seriously too. So i accidently stepped on one of these pukey envelpoes with my combats. The guy who sent me the card took it to heart. It was an ACCIDENT for gods sake. Dont get me wrong. i dont dislike valentines day. In fact it's a great ego boost, but y'know. A little less pink and i might actually start LIKING the day!!!!!! pg. 522 For years now, the key to the supposedly perfect Valentine's Day has been money. For years now, that day has been dominated by morons. This is the real deal and if you pay attention, you won't have to worry about messing up a perfectly good date. The most important thing, as you probably already know, is the thought. Forget about your wallet, your ride, and your ego. This is a night for being original. Think about this: Roses for Valentine's Day usually run over fifty dollars. Why get roses? Do your neighbors have roses in their yard? If not, then why are you getting roses? Why don't you get daisies? Roses are overplayed. Do something different. Eating. Normally, I would suggest Spaghetti-Os, but since this is special, why not McDonald's? Remember the thought. Make sure it's to go and do not take the drive thru. There's nothing romantic about speaking into a near broken walkie-talkie. Go in, get your food, and leave. Don't be eager with your food, that's also in poor taste. There's a time and place for everything and your car is never a place for Valentine's. What in the hell was I thinking? I forgot attire. Don't get your date's hopes up. Tell her to dress casual. It'll be a special night, but you don't need to get those party clothes dirty for your midnight picnic. Which brings us to the most important part of the evening. The Picnic. Find a place near water, but not by traffic, which can only kill the night. Things you'll need for this evening: a blanket, candles, the fast food, gifts, wine (if you're that sort), and your significant other (unless you dig plastic or voyeurism). Since you should know how to set up the picnic, I won't waste time with that. What Valentine's Day would be complete without the exchange of gifts? In case you haven't heard, price is out and corny is in. I suggest something that can be carried around and remembered if not thrown. An example of such a gift is one I got for somebody. This was an ordinary playing card. It was an Ace of Hearts and the set design was a heart on the top of the card and a heart at the bottom. Sounds crappy, right? That's because you don't know how I gave it to her. I held the back to her and said "Two hearts." As I handed it to her, I flipped it over and said "Become One. Always." It was corny, but it takes a real man to come up with something like that. If you can find such a playing card, all I can say is go for it. You may be doubting me, but here goes the last bit of info for perfection. You need a poem. It doesn't have to be Shelley, nor does it have to be understood. If you slap "Ode to [person]" on as a title, then that special someone will be head over heels. A word to the wise: The more the poem sounds like you need the person, the better the reception. Also, "love" should be used at least once for every stanza or every six lines. You don't have to feel that way, but when the morning comes around, who's going to remember. What do you think the candles are for? To burn the evidence. Accidentally, of course. The end of this night is in your hands. I could come up with possible lines that'll get you lucky, but where is my reward? I'm already helping you to create the perfect night without any cost. I will not give a complete night to remember without (at least) pictures. Uh, nevermind. Have a good one. pg. 4 From BuckWezr:
From Trel:
From wannabe goth:
A response is in order: This soap opera melodrama will be death of everything. I wasn't supposed to divulge some of this yet, but I will and with glee. Disobey offers us a position, G. Nih Ton offers his resignation (effective the male issue), and now some dick wants us to publish everything he's ever written. Well, I'm sick of all of this bullshit. I don't like disobey and since they don't like him, he must be alright. If he's here to take Nih's place then he can go to hell, I've already thrown the party and it cost a pretty penny. I don't want to do it again. Goth, as far as I'm concerned, if you're not an Nihhish asshole jump aboard. Not to sound corporate or anything, but this is the way it goes. The newsletter and its concept belongs to Mongoose Type Entertainment. Anything written belongs to the respective authors, so please don't go ripping any of us off. We're not getting paid for this, and you shouldn't either, so don't be an asshole, go write something yourself. Give credit where credit's due. Everyone here does what seems to be a good job, so all we're asking is that you respect that. If you love something, set it free. It won't return, but set it free. |
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