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pg. 49. . .Editorials & such c1997-1998 Mongoose Type Entertainment |
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"Sure you can. Clap your hands and believe." pg. 49 Editorials: We have none, which lessens the load. the such: You will have to forgive us for the shortness of this. It is due in part to faulty email accounts and preoccupation on the part of the editors. If anything seems kind of off (as in date), it is because we are late (surprise). We hope to have a regular issue for 11, so just think unhappy thoughts. While we don't have much for this issue, this is what you will learn: -Why we don't encourage Max to write more. What? Yes, this should've been the conclusion, or at least the next chapter of Cindy. Where is it? Well, it's not here. I don't want to point any finger, but it's not here, and I really don't think it ever will be. With that said and done, let us proceed... pg. 178 I figure that instead of getting personal as I usually do, I'll go off on something. Just recently, I received in my email from someone: "The Cynic's Dictionary." No, I did not read it, but from what I did see, it was nothing more than proof that America needs to get out a little bit more. Am I bashing a cynic? No, I'm criticizing an opportunist. For some reason, the world finds cynicism funny. Well... it is. My problem is that if some moron goes and buys this shit (there is one for sale, so don't buy it) they will assume they can be funny at parties. It's an extreme example, but the last thing I want to see is some twit at a party with his brand new copy of "The Cynical Dictionary." Sure, I'll have fun shredding him in front of his new friends for buying it, but I would still feel as if someone was selling my humor. The reason cynics thrive is because they can't be fully replicated by any book written by a Jeff Foxworthy wannabe. And if they could, you wouldn't see SDM trying to sell it. Only pissing on it. pg. #2 SDM is run by a pair of assholes. According to these two shits, I have to write this throne thing since I'm a staff member. I only relented because they blackmailed me into it. I won't go into details, but if I'm going to do this, I'm going bitch about Seamus, Whitley, and since I'm on them, I might as well put down that lame little fucker Pete Dwain. While I respect this shitty little "ezine" (to a degree), I cannot stand its principal founders. First, they won't leave me the fuck alone about anything. If they're not after my article, they're relaying some threat from my ex-wife, the bitch. As for Pete, I don't know why he hates me, but he does. SDM is built on me, and if I walk away, they've lost a man of great stature. They can threaten all they want, but I know they need me. I've never met any of them in person, but you can rest assured that I am not above kicking all of their ass since they purposely go out of their way to degrade me. I'm no victim, but I'm sure as hell not the asshole they paint me out to be. In fact, I'm a nice guy who just happens to hate children, dogs, holidays, people, nature, organized anything, as well as most forms of entertainment. But like I said, I'm a nice guy. Now that that is done, let wipe my ass with the articles of the aforementiond three (may have to use both sides because of Seamus). They can go to hell. And so can you. pg. 17 I'll bet none of you realized that I didn't write for the last issue. I did that to prove a point. And I'll bet you don't know what my point is, either. Well, that's good, cause I'm not really sure either. Maybe you can tell me once you've finished reading. So I was sitting at home on my ass the other day, trying desperately to think of a clever and witty answering machine message, when I came across a magazine. You know, one of those news pieces of crap that give you up-to-date reports on sheep hygiene and saturated fat and shit. Anyway, being the lame-ass that I am, I decided to read it (namely because I had nothing better to do with my time). I opened it up to a random page and started to read....oh goody! an article on government spending! This should be good. I curled up and read the article. Then I read it again. Then I tore it into several pieces and threw it out the window. Did you know that the government's number one spending priority is military? Goddamit, education doesn't even rank in the top 50! I don't know about you, but I'm definitely reassured that the goverment cares more about violence than school. And what was all that stuff lately about decreasing violence? God, I love this society. Everyone's a hypocrite. The capitolism and greed just never dies. I'm proud to be an American citizen. And what a country! A country that would sooner send you off to war than make sure you got a decent education. Not that the education you got would be any good, considering schools get next to nothing from the government. At least we know why...if you actually did get any kind of education, you would be smart enough to realize how corrupted this fucked system is. So why don't we just send everyone of to war before they realize how pointless it is. There's a patriot! Go kill someone! Don't worry, it's okay, it's for your country! Of course we'd punish you if you killed these people when there wasn't a war! But this is for America! We've got to be the best! It's okay to kill if it means the system can continue! Kill everyone! At least we win! I love society. Don't you? pg. 42 last week, the world's fastest-growing evangelistic organization, the self-styled "promise keepers," staged a rally in our fine nation's capital. there were hundreds of thousands of people out in support of their religion. interestingly enough, every single promise keeper in attendance had a dick. it seems that women need not attend this ground breaking religion. in my experience, women are pretty much equal with men. sure, men have their traits, and women have theirs, but that's no reason to exclude women from something so important as eternal salvation or damnation. but it seems the bible said that's the way it should be, so, regardless of all common sense to the contrary, that's exactly what they did. they had a huge gathering, and said that their women could stay at home. i guess they could take up all that time cooking, or cleaning, or something. now, normally, i try not to fuck with someone's religion (unless i feel like it) but i truly think that's a stupid thing to do. totally putting aside the fact that women do make up the greatest part of our wonderful population, women are sometimes intelligent creatures, much to the surprise of some. i'm not gonna turn this into a junior high school report on women in the workplace, but a lot of important things have been done by the better smelling half. radium, for instance. we wouldn't have radium without women. for that matter, we wouldn't have people without women. and, let's face it: men could never decorate a house, so, without women, we'd all live in hovels. so, let's give at least a little credit where it's due. i think that was all. pg. 54 My brother is watching MTV live, whatever that is. They just showed some video from a band called Chumbawumba. This is quite possibly the worst video on the planet. I couldn't help but think that a blindfolded, one-armed monkey with a bongo could write better music. But then I thought of cruelty to animals. So I decided, a monkey playing an out of tune banjo with two strings could write a better song. As a matter of fact, I would have liked watching a monkey instead of that crappy video. At least with a monkey, I'd be laughing pretty hard and thinking, "Hey, look at that monkey playing an out of tune banjo with two strings." Then I got creative. Siamese twin monkeys who share an arm and a leg-- one is blind, the other is deaf, one is playing an accordion [the deaf one] and the other is blowing into a jug. That'd be way better than Chumbawumba. It's videos like that Chumbacrap that lead to the downfall of our society-- well, not exactly, I just felt like blaming it on something. Because our lives are becoming more and more pathetic all the time. I mean, you're reading this, aren't you? You're pathetic! I'm writing this, which is even more pathetic. I don't have anything better to do with my time than to write articles about retarded monkeys playing out of tune banjos. I could be doing science homework, but anymore, no one cares. Education is not important or a sign of sophistication. It's like a scarlet letter. [did anyone read that story? it sucked.] One prime example of this is nerds. Yes, I am aware that there are actual "Nerds" out there who stick pins through bugs just for the hell of it. But in my school, the nerds are the people who actually pass their classes, and know the difference between osmosis and diffusion. Education [and lack thereof] is getting really depressing anymore. This country is getting more and more pathetic as I'm typing this. And are you aware that LaToya Jackson has her own psychic network? And Hanson is popular. I need no further justification. Part of the reason Hanson is so popular is because MTV showed their stupid video ten times a day. And they play crap like Chumbawumba. I believe that MTV has led to the downfall of our society. Why do you think that idiot that sits behind me in English class is failing? Partially because he's an idiot, but also because he spends all his time watching MTV in his underwear [or so his sister told me. Which is really more than I needed to know.] Do you know WHY I'm failing biology? I didn't want to stick a pin through a bug, for one thing. But I'm failing because I don't to homework. I watch Austin Stories instead [I'm a hypocrite. So sue me.] Is there a point to all this jibberish I'm writing? I think so. Basically: If MTV did not exist, the world would be a better place. This country sucks, and I'm blaming MTV. pg. 91 This could be the first year that we have two underdog teams going to the World series. The underdog Indians and Marlins are both one game away from the big dance. While I think that the Braves will rally back, I don't see the Orioles coming back. What a World Series it would be if the Braves go against the Indians.......On the basketball front, it appears that the Bulls may not be celebrating another title come this spring. There are simply too many teams that are hungry, and now there are coaches who are hip to how to beat the bulls. I look for a big year for the Atlanta Hawks and the Miami Heat....... In NFL news the Dallas dynasty may be crumbling right before our eyes, last nights 21 to 17 lost to the Redskins on national television will sure have folks talking. Coming Next Week: Is college Hoops Dead? pg. 1999 A great man died this past week. John Denver meant something to me, and writing this may be the only way to salvage his good name from the raptors at SDM. Not only was this man a great singer-songwriter, but he was a vocal advocate of many worthwhile causes. I don't ask much of you people, but all I want is a moment of silence for this great man who deserves nothing short of absolute respect. So, as you read this, tell all around you to "SHUT UP!" This way you will be giving deserved respect. Now, please be quiet and let this man be remembered. [SILENCE NOW] Before I close, let me take the opportunity to discuss SDM's coverage of Princess Di. I don't normally read anything involving SDM, but I did get a decent "dose" of SDM's Princess Di thoughts, and I was left in utter dismay. I do not like the way this woman was treated posthumously. She did great things and that should be remembered, not the coverage of her death. Thank you. So, we slacked off. We're still the same writers, but will you remember that? Probably not.
Not to sound corporate or anything, but this is the way it goes. The newsletter and its concept belongs to Mongoose Type Entertainment. Anything written belongs to the respective authors, so please don't go ripping any of us off. We're not getting paid for this, and you shouldn't either, so don't be an asshole, go write something yourself. Give credit where credit's due. Everyone here does what seems to be a good job, so all we're asking is that you respect that. For a good time, don't call Larry. |
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