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pg. 49. . .Editorials & such c1997-1998 Mongoose Type Entertainment |
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"Like I said, I'm a cynical bastard." pg. 49 #1 Note: this one really has nothing to do with anything you've ever seen here, it was ranted to us. You may notice the egregious errors. Since she loved us all so much, it was decided that everything "mom" says can stand for itself. Spelling corrections may take away from the overall mood of it all. Here it goes.
After a gregarious interrogation of our staff, we found this evil bastard so he could respond to the horrendous allegations. It was Dave Black. Since he has to, here is his reply. "First off, the site isn't done by me, so whether or not it's funny is out of my hands. Second, I don't recall ever criticizing anything (Just wondering, what in the hell is a guestbook comment box for?). Next, oh great scholar, the dog you so passionately refer to was already dead, I only mentioned beating him. Surely you've heard of beating a dead horse. Now before you start playing God, and tell us who and who cannot have websites, I look at it this way (and there should be some kind of rule for this): Who passed grammar? Am I using too many syllables here? Period. Period. Period. Period. Period. Period! This isn't some gender bashing thing. It's a motherfucking clue! And one more thing: You know who I am, so why don't you send me your address and I'll send you a Speak-n-Spell. That way you don't have to write like the Dexter Manley School of Vocabulary graduate everyone knows you are." the such: I am supposed to tell you that, due to interoffice bickering, Max "what does this red button do?" Reagan is no longer an editor. Apparently when he won the prize, he had no idea that being an editor meant being an editor. Imagine that. Taking his place, is Scott "One giant leap for me, mommy" Seamus, taking Seamus' place is Paul "Always use my middle initial" Whitley, the men who were jerking the load for our unlucky contest winner. Just so you don't go and get all teary eyed for him, Max will continue to contribute. Thank you. Now get on with it. pg. 3.1416 I am sick to the depths of my tolerances from listening, a month and climbing, and reading about the absurd boycott of Disney, the one mouse monopoly, feeding in frenzy off of history, children smiling, and parents recently paid, by the Baptists. What the entire fiasco sprang from, I find it difficult to recall, because for so long the rant from the Baptists is that they seemed determined to challenge all good sense by boycotting the mouse in all his ungodly shapes and forms. that would mean no movies, wonderful little plush characters, McDonald's happy meal toys, or Disney channel, for the Baptists spanning the country. That list isn't inclusive of the countless enterprises of which Mickey, the rodent parasite, has become a financial contributor. Combining the latter list with the former, you can imagine that the Baptists have relegated themselves to sitting in a corner, mutter inarticulately at the air... and reading SDM, because, as a matter of dignity, we could not be bought. The humor of this fiasco stems from the reactions of the populus who had no idea that Mick had such a sordid little empire growing. Nor did they know that, not only is most of their existence a financial liability to Walt, but a few properties engaged in most un-disney-like ventures. The venture that almost preemptively set off the Baptists Association was the movie 'Priest', about a gay man of the cloth (I find it ironic that the Catholic Church has been content to let this one go.). There are others of course. On top of everything else, the film studios Miramax' seems to irritate our southern friends to no end. The argument here is not about the mouse, nor is it about anything else Disney has done. In the end, what it all boils down to is that the Baptists are trying to make Disney the example they need. They same thing happened in the O. J Simpson trial. The trial had nothing at all to do with racism. Simpson was simply a convenient excuse to make the underlying hatred in America work towards exonerating him to look towards a larger issue. Mick's dilemma is much the same. The Baptists I would doubt really care about Disney. In Johnny Cochrane fashion, the issue they're raising is a larger one, not addressed yet, as few but the Baptists would think of it in such terms, which is God vs. Pop Culture. I'm not freeing Disney from any blame, they deserve as much as can be given. I assume their objective isn't to bring God more into mainstream culture, just to remind people that all the television, and movies, and icons they so dearly love, are bound to pass, inevitably. The point is that the mouse will wash away, one day or another. pg. #2 Not to bash my cohorts in anyway, but when I sit, I think. Not that they don't. When I say "I think," I mean that everything that exists in this world is at my disposal. From God to politics to the future. What does it all mean? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn, but I like to fathom the unfathomable. Mostly I wonder about life and where it's all going. To dream about what it is I will be. It's almost pointless when I do it, at least to you. No one in this world really gives a damn about what the next guy is thinking. I can't just sit down, go, and be gone. I can't be rushed. After all, this is my domain. Sure it's easy for me to get blown away here, because I have nowhere to go, but that sums up life as well. To give a better analogy; the toilet is like bed. At any given moment you can be killed, wounded, or abducted by aliens, but that's the least of the worries then. You're in your own world and no one can mess with you. There's a reason it's called a throne. It's a sanctuary. It's your kingdom. It's your world. Maybe someone else is footing the bill, but in here your concerns are your own, not somebody else's. On second thoughts, all thoughts here are the same, it just depends on the angle you're looking at. pg. 257 One of the biggest problems that is spitting on society today isn't racism or the economy or sex ed. in schools. It's the almighty, ever provoking, useless but full of help talk show. You needn't worry about me taking some holier-than-thou Bob Dole approach to it, because I've seen it all, and frankly, it's all beginning to piss me off. The problem with talk shows is that on the ladder of shame, they are one step above the five o'clock news, and that's way up there. Whenever you get some prim and proper falsely identified idealist who's never seen misery, but is more than willing to immerse him or herself in it, nothing will be handled correctly. To be honest, there is no way handle this crap. As if the real thing weren't bad enough, we have to deal with a bunch of half-assed wannabe shrinks. Only in this sordid world of the talk show will a woman who has been beaten to a pulp over and over again refuse to talk to a policeman about her near death affliction, but be more than willing to spill it in front of an audience whose only help comes in the words of "leave him!" What in the hell will that do for anybody? Sure, she's safe on the show, but when Ricki and her band of blabbering idiots are no longer there, Bubba is going to beat the shit out of Missy. Maybe this is corrupting the youth of Amerika. So. They're already fucked up, if you make the punks of today watch some talk shows, maybe they'll want to do something with their life like become a psychiatrist. Forget all of that bullshit, just kill the talk show. Not just because of that, but because of the false sense of hope they inspire. If people believe that they're crappy, half-assed advice really works, then a lot of people will be really pissed when the perfect relationship they have crumbles due to lil' miss junior Oprah or Ricki and the book of knowledge they have compiled by watching some loud mouth twit profit from the beatings of others. c 1997 G. Nih Ton. All rights reserved. pg. 666 Well, well, well what have we here? hmmm.....I bet you didn't know it but seven times every second someone's dreams crumble from beneath them. As a cynic, it is my duty to destroy all your little hopes and dreams, but for a minute i'm going to side with you and say ok i'm not going to fuck with your mind just to see what happens. I'm going to leave you alone, however i'm also not going to protect you from anything else out there that is after you. I'll sit by and watch as the media ruins your day as you realize that someone has already patented that really cool combination dessert topping/floor wax. I'll watch as you are unable to get your business started due to lack of funds because the bank thinks your idea is shit and won't give you a loan. I'll watch as someone takes you to court for stealing their idea and you get left more broke ass than you were before. I'd really like to talk to you about your dreams. Sure at one point in time i wanted to be the only president that was also an astronaut, go figure. However as i got older my stupid little kid dreams faded and i got more and more realistic ones. Such as: Using only 2-ton epoxy, paper clips, rubber bands, a pencil, and my wits to take over the world. This dream however i decided was not worth my talents. So i tried something a little more challenging. My current dream is to find a woman who will love me forever, marry me, not want any kids, and like to have sex about twice a day. See what i mean? This one is much, much harder than the previous two. The problem with dreams is that people actually pick stuff that is realistic for their dreams and when they try to reach them and can't, they get all upset and start shooting people and taking large doses of over the counter medication. If people would simply come to realize that dreams should not be confused with goals this world would have alot fewer psychiatrists. Your dreams should in fact be things that you cannot reach that way if you do reach them then well damn you've done something that very few other people have been able to. You see, the world needs underachievers to realize exactly that, they are underachievers. WE here at SDM did not have a dream, we had a goal, to put out our little newsletter thingy. Our dream is to actually get one out on time (like that is ever going to happen). So take it from me before you start chasing after all your dreams make sure you convert them over to goals that way when it goes sour you can say "oh-well i failed my goal," instead of saying "Goddamn it MY life's dream will never come true because i'm a complete fuck up. Lemme go kill some people to blow off some steam." Last but not least on that topic of dreams; have you ever had that dream where you are falling? Then you always wake up right before you land? Well next time just make it your goal not to wake up, i'm sure you'll enjoy the experience. 10 people die every second not to be remembered pg. 178 You have two options here. 1) You can skip this article and proceed or 2) you can read this despite the fact that this is merely nothing but void insight with cynicism, sarcasm, and bitterness only thrown in. The choice... is yours. I am sick of what the world makes of a person. Take me for example, I feel empty. Despite what people say about this certain feeling, it is not for lack of companionship or religion, nor is it caused by excessive drug use. Such a feeling arises because of all the shit in this world. To be honest, I am tired of all the shit that gets dumped on people. Maybe I've seen "Falling Down" one too many times, but seeing how people are (mal) treated no matter what they do is sickening. Sure, I'm supposed to be here for the sake of telling you that they all deserve it, but you know what? I don't feel like it. Maybe they do deserve it. So what? All I'm saying is that chewing these people up is just utter bullshit. I won't ask that ever rhetorical question of "why?" Nor will I try to explain it, because I can't. All I can say is "fuck it," because I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to put a stop to it. By now, those of you still here may be wondering where I'm going with this. NOWHERE. This here is NOTHING more than a dead end passage. I'm not trying to get across some point or pass off some bullshit belief system. I'm just writing about the abyss we call society. NOTHING less. NOTHING more. And now, it is all over. pg. 42 these days (and i use that phrase with the greatest of looseness), it seems like there's no word more on the lips of the pedantic and idiotic people than the word "morality." everybody thinks they know what morality is, and they take it upon themselves to enforce that opinion on the rest of us. i'll be the first to admit that, although i'm about to expound about what i think of morality. i, in no way am asking that you follow my beliefs. i'm not cultish enough for that. can you gimme "hallelujah?" we've got everybody from the republican party to any author who can find gullible people to read his book to Aziz down at your local quickie mart. what to believe. what to believe. well, as far as i'm concerned, they're all full of shit. all of them. every last would-be leader in the crusade across the bridge of morality into the twenty-first century is full of the biggest load of bullshit you've ever seen. cause, you see, just as with everything else, there's money to be made if you're the one who's right about morality. If the republicans are right, they'll get elected. the author will sell books. and Aziz.... well, maybe he will sell more slurpees. how the hell should I know? but, my point is, morality is a function of the individual only. morality is a word which can be defined only in relation to a person and their circumstances. some of us would consider killing a friend immoral. but, if a friend of yours were dying of a horrible illness, and asked you to take his life, what could you do? each of us would probably answer this question differently. but no one is qualified to supply the "right" answer. because no answer is completely right. and, no matter what all the people trying to feed you a load of their own personal bullshit say, no answer will ever be right. that's just a fact of the place we call the universe. these things are simply my outlook. take them as you will. pg. 007 Today, I want to touch on a topic that you all know of, but I doubt you ever discuss at your parties or get togethers. Child molestation. It's been considered a delicate subject to handle. That the problem, if you ask me. It's been treated too delicately. I doubt that anything I say will make a difference, but it's worth a shot. We all know somebody who's been molested. You may not know it, but you do. That's just a fact. Now, for the truth. Even if they weren't at fault, the parents have to accept some of the blame. Sure, you've got talk show hosts running around yelling, "talk to your kids, folks." That doesn't do shit for anybody. Kids are impressionable. You can intimidate kids. Go on and tell them to tell mommy or daddy when something's wrong. Tell MOMMY or DADDY and they DIE! They WON'T LOVE YOU anymore. Your kid's a terrified puppy. Molestation is inescapable. If it's going to happen, it's going to happen. How about we give it a new name so this sinks in a little bit better? Is RAPE good enough? Actually, there's not much of a difference. You're going to feel like shit either way, but not necessarily the next day. It's one of those things where you can't look through the window to know what's happening. There isn't a chance in hell for all of those "good" parents to prevent Father John, the troop leader, the teacher, or the babysitter from fulfilling their goal. You may thinks so, but when it comes down to it, you're more vulnerable than your kids because you don't know that it's happening. That is, unless you're the one doing it. pg. 17 I'm writing this with a headache - so my tolerance level is even lower than normal. I'm also writing under the assumption that we all know our judicial system is fucked up. (If you don't agree - research it a little - I've done my homework) - Anyway, I'm sick and tired of this "I'm not guilty because I'm a victim" bullshit. People need to take responsibility for their actions and stop whining. I'm sorry that your husband raped you, you still have no right to cut off his dick. I'm sorry that you're clumsy and hot coffee got spilled on you. It's not the fucking McDonald's fault. Get a napkin, wipe yourself off, and go to work like the rest of us. Stop crying like a baby. I'm sorry you're addicted to cigarettes - it's not the damn manufacturers fault. Shit! I smoke nearly 1/2 a pack a day but I chose to light up each time and in 30 years when I have cancer and my kids are watching me die, why should I blame that on anyone but myself? I am not a victim. These people who feel that their wrongs are justified by their bad lot in life are just fucked up. Life doesn't owe us any favors. Get over it. Just because you have a dysfunctional family (like 98% of America) doesn't mean you get to blame all your shit on everyone else. People need to grow up and get over it. Not that I think people should have to live with abuse or suffer through bad things but there are ways to overcome your difficulties and get on with your life. If you are a victim it is only because you choose to be. Take responsibility for your own goddamn actions and grow up a little. Well, i'm outie-have a good day, or night, whenever you read this. pg. 113.5 For years the best movie in which the dog got killed was considered to be Old Yeller. Not any more. Thanks to our buck-the-system ways, the list has been changed, but not with much surprise. Not that it matters, but does it ever? 1. Cujo These things are tiring as hell, but offer lightness to absolutely nothing. That is why we're doing another one. For the next issue, we're looking for THE MOST SARCASTIC MOVIES out there. Send them here. pg. 1 If I hear that friggin' 'two thumbs up' crap one more time applied to a movie I had planned on seeing, that's the day I find a good book. Think about that though. If you wanted to see the kind of shit that Siskel and Ebert like, then you're going to have to go find a good book because the only movies they rave about are the ones where everyone else had something more exciting to do. The flicks they don't like (i.e. the ones that gross somewhere around a few hundred billion dollars) get that lame 'I didn't think it was believable' label. What is REALLY unbelievable is that these two pricks get paid to do this. They have a show. Most newspapers in America print that 'thumbs up' nonsense. But still, they're able to wake up every morning safe in the knowledge that they have nothing to do that day but what most of America does to kill time. And what makes them special? Nothing that I can think of. I bash movies for the hell of it, I'd feel like a politician if I had to be paid to tell the people that I'm right and that's just the way it has to be. If there is anyone out there who goes to the movies for the same reason as our buds in Chicago, then you should be shot where you stand. If you'd like to do it now, I can wait. A few less Siskels and Eberts running around the free world and I'll sleep better at night. Without nightmares of fat kids with glasses and skinny kids in sweater vests chanting like the seven dwarves... Damnit, what are you waiting for? Here I am ranting to try to stall for you to find enough time to find a good shotgun, and all you can do is sit there, thinking I was kidding? Do I amuse you? Shit. They liked that movie. Okay, well... Yippy ki yay, mother fuc... no... they liked that movie, too. Look, uhmm... I'm going to go ask my Uncle Kurt something. If I don't get back, remember, if you liked the Under Siege movies, you're a loser. They got all the bankers, lawyers, ad execs, and reporters off the street, and they still didn't solve the problem. Probably, because they let us all go. Only thing is, we're not the problem. Just a bunch of devil advocates, pissers-in-the-winds, and skilled naysayers. Here are the usual round up of suspects and this is not a manifesto. Oh, and we hate the hell out of society
Not to sound corporate or anything, but this is the way it goes. The newsletter and its concept belongs to Mongoose Type Entertainment. Anything written belongs to the respective authors, so please don't go ripping any of us off. We're not getting paid for this, and you shouldn't either, so don't be an asshole, go write something yourself. Give credit where credit's due. Everyone here does what seems to be a good job, so all we're asking is that you respect that. That was your brain on drugs. Any questions? |
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