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pg. 49. . .Editorials & such |
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"If I knew where I was going I would already be there." pg. 49 #A: what follows are the highlights of an editorial, since it's a pain in the ass to type it all.
And if we had a response it would go like this: "Thank you. First off, as of now SDM comes out every other week. Hopefully this is with regularity. If not, then fuck it, it's still going to get out. Anybody can put stuff in there. From Farrakhan to those two guys in Deliverance, we accept any and all contibutions. Of course if it is percieved by our staff to be bullshit, then we'll beat one of our guys into a closet so he can read it and respond. Who is G. Nih Ton? To make a long story short: He's this underground philospher/writer who a friend one of the editors knows. It's hard as hell to find any of his stuff, but it floats around. In case it's too soon to notice, his philosophy and writings mesh well with our mood. So to cut off this pointless story our editors pursued him until he agreed to join on, but to get him we had to give him a section on our website and top billing whenever the opportunity exists. According to Pete, it undermines all that SDM stands for. Which is?" #B
And the response goes like this: "You want race, you got it. When? How in the hell are we supposed to know? It's not that sh!t happens around here everyday. If you want, go ahead and write it for us, and we'll be sure to put it in for you. Besides, wouldn't you rather we go after such rarely discussed topics like sexual harassment or abortion. Forget it. We'll get to it sooner or later. As for Rodney Dangerfield, one timers can only get honorable mention." #C
You want a response? Too bad. (BTW, we meant who should went bangbang instead, sorry). From Cobain's ultimate fan, Dave Black: "Cobain was an asshole. I don't give a fuck what people say about him, he will always be an asshole. I listened to what he had to say, in his lyrics and his suicide note. I respected the fact that he didn't give a damn about the fans. In fact, I expect that from every rock "star." The point is, he knew he had followers and all that other shit. There comes a point in every artist's life when it's all no longer about him (or her) but the fans. Once you pass that point you owe everything (and I do mean everything) to them. When he pulled the trigger, all he did was say: FUCK YOU! Oh yeah, I forgot the drugs played a big part. Well, you give me the address of the cold and heartless fuck who put the gun to his head and made him get high all the time because that was a real bastard." #4
Here goes a response: "We try not to bullshit, with the exception of a little humor a la Monty Python and all that other good stuff. Thanks for not hating it yet." The Such: This issue begins a new monthly installment. The Toilet Chronicles (the name sucks, someone give us a better one, please!). This is where we get a staff member, stuff him full of bran muffins and shut him in the bathroom. Presto! We've got a column. The toilet is where we are the most vulnerable and it is then we are the most analytical. Sometimes we go deep. Sometimes we just wonder. All of the time we think. The beauty of language. pg. 178 Just the other day I was reminded of an ex-girlfriend. Remembering her, brings up the issue of trust. Not just in relationships, but in society in general. After all, shouldn't we all be friends before lovers. Well, this certain person, we'll call her Alegna. She broke all the rules that one needs to be followed in order to be trusted. She lied. Some of you are probably going into defensive mode using the old "you always bash your ex" excuse. Fuck that, the bitch lied. What could she have lied about? Well, she put the worse one you could ever use into effect. She "got raped." If you're thinking I was the target of her deceit, you're wrong. No, I had to put up with her bullshit, not be responsible for it. You know, thinking back, if she said it happened just once, I would just stick through it with her. Instead, she got raped again and again and again and again and again and again and so it goes on. And you know what? She didn't live in Rwanda or Bosnia or any other war torn country where rape runs as rampant as Robert Downey, Jr. on a drug binge. As members of society, we are supposed to believe the woman everytime this kind of stuff happened. I have no problem. In fact, I have several friends who have undergone the experience of rape, so I understand. But I was sick and tired of hearing the same old bullshit time in and time out. She wanted attention. Everytime the rumor mill stopped pumping out the details of the current rape, some sick fuck went and did it again. No, her rapists didn't attend her school. They just lived in her very "nice" neighborhood that I refused to believe had as many rapists as trick or treaters. You know, if she did get raped, it was her own fault. Yell all you want, because I know I'm right. Why? Well, she only told students at her school (what the fuck are they going to do?). She never told me where any of these guys lived (so I could beat the ever living shit out of them). Most of the time, she acted like a slut. One time, she even said she was alone with the guy and neither one of them lived in the place of defilement. When I went with her, she got raped at least six times. After the third time which was almost 2 weeks after the first, I had to wonder, "is she jerking me around?" She had to be. No one, I don't care where they live, can get raped at least six times on the same street in the same year. How the fuck is that possible? The only way I can figure is that she was passing out "rape me free" cards. Yeah sure, why not? pg. #2 Ok let's take a minute, and think about well... you know the stuff you think about while you are taking a shit. Do not try this while standing up, but have you ever sneezed while taking a piss? How about coughing and farting at the same time? Here's a few more toilet thoughts.... have you ever noticed that you get the shits at the most inconvienient times? And when you'd like to take a dump, you can sit there all day and not go. Have you noticed that you always use the same hand to wipe your ass (for ladies, to just wipe in general). What i want to know is this: why is it that so many people sit on the toilet for so damn long just to take a dump? i'm in and out of the bathroom in five minutes including time to wash my hands. So why is it that the rest of the world takes on average 30 minutes to shit? Do you guys sit down too early or do you stay late? Why would you do either? there are many more productive things to be doing besides sitting on the toilet waiting to shit, and many better smelling things to be doing than sitting there when you are done. So put down that damn readers digest, and get it over with. pg. 257 Everyone is beautiful. That's how we all see ourselves, right? I'm beautiful. You're beautiful. Fuck that. We're all ugly, and just too blind to see it. The ugliest woman I ever saw was a woman who believed she was beautiful for the wrong reasons. Anyone can put down the thousands and take home the aesthetics. If you can buy it then it doesn't exist. Sure you can hold it and feel it, but it's not there. It never is. This isn't some sort of bullshit I'm trying to get across. You might as well go out and buy a fucking plaque and etch "Nobel Prize" in it, because it only exists in your mind. Someone knows your bullshitting. It may not be you, but there's someone out there who knows what your cup used to be or that you don't know a damn thing about the imported sports car you "plan on buying." In your fucked up dreamworld you may be driving around in a Ferrari, but you're stuck in a Pherary. Now for the other ugly. It pisses me off that a boy or girl cannot grow up because they'll be killed in one way or another by expectations. I once read a poem called Barbie Doll by Marge Piercy. She summed up everything. You have to be who you're supposed to be before you can be anything else. No longer can you be a faceless wonder (housewife/mother) or a cowboy. You've got to be Cindy Crawford or Micheal Jordan. In other words, ugliness before beauty. Ugliness as in just like the rest of the inhabitants. If I had kids, I would kill them before I let them become someone else, including me. If you're wondering how this constitutes ugliness, let me philosophize for you. If everyone is alike, then you can't have beauty because no one is different. Now for my final point. Everywhere I go, I'm hear people talk about how they're unique, special, or whatever the phrases are going around today. They're full of SHIT! The last ones I will ever consider different are those dickheads who go around preaching they're uniqueness. Everyone's so busy trying to be different that they're all stuck in the same fucking hole. Let me tell you about these so-called unique people. These people are trendy enough to be in on all the same trends, remember the saggy pants phase. Perpetrated by all the "individual" people. We don't all have twins, but in one way or another, we all have cults. pg. 666 Okay, my intent with this little piece here is not only to offend, but to inform as well. Today kiddies we are going to discuss.... the divine. Have you ever noticed that anytime you check into a hotel that somewhere in the room there is a version of the King James Bible? Or how 'bout at the doctor's office? Hell, i bet you have a copy of it in your home. How many of you actually read that crap? (Told ya you were going to be offended) Now my real problem comes in with the assumption that we are all christians. i am not! And i really do get tired of prayers at graduation ceremonies, presidential inaugrations (just think, government and religion) and everywhere else. Now, I don't mind your little private prayers, but i really don't want to be a part of them. Hell, i don't even want to bow my head. For a country founded on religious freedom, we sure have gotten over-stereotypical in our beliefs that all are like us. Let us now talk about salvation. First, of all you tell me i'm going to hell because i'm not "saved." Then you try and "save" me... from what, may i ask? Next, isn't there a line in the bible about "Judge Not?" Hmmmm.... then tell me why does every christian i meet condemn me to hell? Who are they to judge me? Where is the old fashioned FEAR of god that used to be instilled in us as children? People are now making decisions orginally left only to the divine, so now we are gods? Well, of course, we are. We have improved the life span by about 35 years, and now we know everything. Well, all you little Bible thumpers, please go thump your bibles elsewhere lest i have to start thumping the factual numbers that make your religion seem so very outdated and fake.... Now, i'm sure that by now you are offended, and it's even a wonder that you've read this far. If you have, you are truly a CYNER, and congratulations, the world needs more people like yourself. And to those who were offended by this and did manage to read this far... well.... as my Daddy always used to say "Tough Shit!" pg. 17 I just wanted to contribute my expert musical opinion to SDM. My opinion regards Hanson. (Surely these boys have made their way into your homes and cars). They are a perfect example of how anyone with money, talented or not, can be famous. HANSON SUCKS! That should go without saying. They have no talent of any kind. There may be 2 or 3 teeny boppers out there (probably in towns with more cows than people) who think they're cute, but in reality they're nothing but queer, stupid, untalented faggots who will most likely grow up to be pre-ejaculatory fuck nuts. They sound like Jackson 5 wannabes. Oh, and cool video, boys. Good job with the advanced camera tricks. (Did anyone else notice that the reason these studs can roller blade so well backwards is because they're REWINDING THE TAPE!) Hanson sucks ass. (And that's my expert musical opinion). pg. 007 Tiger Woods is a good golfer. Who cares? Unfortunately, he'll never be known for anything other than conquering another one of the white man's sports in the name of the black man. An honor; I might add, he isn't trying to take credit for. Besides, who wants that on their resume? It's only golf, the sport of pricks. While it would be nice (and easy) to degrade golf, that's not what I'm here for. I am here to discuss another topic, slavery. And Tiger Woods is the latest high profile face to be put up on the auction block. Imagine if you will, a world where you can only wear one brand of underwear. One brand of shoes. One brand of shirts. Sign one type of baseball card (I'm sure we all have that problem). It goes on. Many of you can probably sense where I'm going with this, and the common response is, "Look at all the money he's making." I'm sure we'd all love to just say a few words, smile, and show off the duds, for, oh say, 5 million dollars. Yeah, I'm sure it's great to sit down and watch some big celebrity brainwash our kids with the thoughts of what is cool and what should be bought. The point I'm trying to make is this: for a good enough price, the most macho of all men would suck RuPaul's dick, and let it air to the world on national television. Backside to the camera (but a picture of his face shown next to this lovely sight) with a Trojan Condom bumber sticker palstered to his ass. Welcome to America. You're probably refuting this for yourself as you read, but everyone has a price, and the only thing one has to decide is whether or not he'll be able to get away with not swallowing. How about an extra million? Needs more sugar. Sure, getting a few million for losing face isn't too bad. Hell, that's a lot of money. To you maybe, but the pervert with the big bank account can sneeze six million away at breakfast and get it back by dinner. The point here is this: if it isn't too much to them, then you're not doing anything special but developing a new diet for an amount of money that'll never be able to buy back any of the dignity you swallowed right along with a stomach load of spunk. pg. 113.5 Due to an error in someone's writing, the topic was misleading. What should have been said is this: Who should've taken Cobain's place behind the gun? Well, we still got answers. Here goes 1. Hanson (big surprise) Next week's topic is a tough one. It's summer, and we have to set ourselves up as good role models. So send in the title of a book that tore the hell out of your mindset. Think of it as a suggestion/reference list. Send your ideas and possibly some thoughts about it to nbsinyk@hotmail.com pg. 1 Be damned anyone who can say these words, in no particular order, with a straight face: Batman, I, Freeze, hi, am. I've heard one variation. Most of us have. Not the best one, and probably the corniest one that could have been assembled. Perhaps even some among us, who have seen the new Batman flick, can recite dozens of quips and out-of-sync one-liners, all of which could have been funny if not for two things: they used the laws of grammar, and those laws were used in the wrong movie. The general motivation behind Warner Brothers decision to bring in Joel Schummacher and evict Tim Burton was the fact that the movies were tooooooooooooooo dark and toooooooooo ominous, which made the character less appealing to the younger audiences, towards whom the original Detective Comics hero was directed. Well, I have a revelation for all of those naysayers of the first two movies: Batman is inherently a dark character. Would you swing about joking with people making a decided effort to kill you and any pedestrian wearing a red shirt? Didn't think so. Would you laugh if you had to wear a rubber suit? exactly. How about one with nipples? That may be the most unbelievable thing presented in the movies. I can see the dark, vengeful Bruce Wayne, kicking ass and taking names by night as Batman. All the villains? There can be a perfectly good explanation for all of that, I'm sure. But I can not visualize, the laconic, self-respecting Alfred putting NIPPLES on a rubber suit. What filmakers need to realize is that the entire Batman saga is a bizarre psychological fantasy that has endured soley on a fascination the world has had with him since the late 1930's , and that manipulating those sixty some odd years of storytelling has to make one angry Bob Kane. And don't think Bob couldn't take the flitty Schumacher, even in his old age. Floats like a butterfly; stings like a bee. BK: WHAM! POW! TATSUMAKISENPUKAIYAKU! HADOOKEN! Well, who knows? I've seen a ninety-year old man do a hurricane kick before. I have. Really. pg. 37
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