 |
|
      touch me, i'm dick |
|
|
"Suppose everyone stopped throwing rice at weddings, and started
throwing potatoes." If there is an intro, then this is it... Well, there isn't much to say but "Welcome!" Before going any further, let me tell you that this is perhaps the most gleeful moment you will ever experience with Socially Deranged Mentality, or SDM, since it's much quicker to type. Since this is still very small, with a circulation of less than ten, we are just hoping to get swept away with the winds of word-of-mouth publicity. To any pessimists out there, it is possible, albeit almost miraculous, but you have to start somewhere, right? I suppose I should give you a quick intro and let you be on your way. The only jewel in our crown so far is the not-so-famed, but twice as notorious underground philosopher/writer/ruffian G. Nih Ton. We hope that every one of the writers here at SDM go on to actually do something other than complain and dissect life, but who knows? The overall mood here at SDM is primarily cynicism, but occasionally rays of sunlight will shine through the exterior. Another thing about all of this, is that it can be good therapy. Read one article a day, and you'll let loose all frustration by just yelling at one of us. I've seen it happen... too many times to count, but somebody walked away feeling better. If you read something you don't like, go ahead and respond, and whoever wrote it will respond in the next issue, and if it's hot enough, personally. If it weren't for opinions, most of us would have nothing else to say. Hopefully, you found all necessary addresses at the beginning of this newsletter, so I needn't repeat myself. If this issue seems at all awkward, it's because this IS the virgin issue and we have to get into motion of things. With that said and done; enjoy, hate, disagree, applaud, or just read this issue of SDM. Remember this: We will not bow down to commercialism or the gods of capitalism! Someone at SDM, probably Pete. p.s., This section (in future issues) will be for editorials, but since we didn't have any, they forced me to write this little ditty of an intro. I hoped you liked it, because the editors (sometimes we have 2) didn't think it was inclusive enough. In other words, they wanted me to make excuses for them. First excuse: G. Nih Ton is an asshole with too much power in this thing, so he can do whatever he wants. That is why he can write short columns and I have to make up for it. Second excuse: I'm giving the excuses, and I hate to spread blame (unlike everyone else it seems), so these excuses are lame, because I disagree. So far it all seems good, with the exception of my buddy G. Nih Ton, whose seems more pointless than pointed. Third excuse: They want me to take credit for the website (which is true) until it gets better, in which I am sure someone else will take from me. I happen to think it's very nice, but I would like better. This should compensate for Ton's shortness, so I'll end it on a good note. To quote a man whom I have always looked up to: "Hey, I get no respect here at all." pg. 178 Hello, you hate me. Of course you do. And if you don't now, you soon will. I guarantee it. Before you get to loathe me, let me introduce myself. My name is Paul, but you may refer to me as "that [derogatory comment]!" It doesn't really matter, because I am used to it, and to tell you the truth, I kind of like it. In fact, like it so much that my purpose here is to get some sort of intellectual rise out of it. Without people like me, life with would be very mundane. Surely you would like to know how? Well, it's like this: People want their lives to be happy and pleasant. I don't know why, but that's the way things are. This is where I come in. What I do is point out the terds that spot the birdcage you tried so hard to clean. You may look real hard and not find them, but I see them, and I'm going to keep pointing it all out to you until I can carry my food home in that cage, without the aid of a plate. Let me just make this simple for you. I am an asshole. Plain and simple, I'm the guy that sits in the back of a room pissing off everybody at the bachelor party because I'm the only one with the balls to tell the groom that his bride's banging the best man and that everybody flew into town to see the wedding. You hate me, and I love it. That is the person I am. Aside from being an overall nice guy, I do have some good traits. In fact, my most important trait is that I can always see the negative in things, and that is the greatest thing a person could ever do. I love to watch television when a lady is giving an impassioned plea for her son's safe return. This is where I come in, especially with a group of two or more. What I do is point out that her tears aren't sincere enough. I may also suggest that her son's importance to her only came into play after she decided his "movie of the week" could make her some serious money, especially if he turns up dead. It's not like I'm wrong! Chances are her son was a real S.O.B. and cared as much for her as she did for him. Oh, the beauty of the American family! pg. 257 As I was flipping past the channels today, I saw an interesting piece of truth. Oddly enough, it was a music video. It was for some group called the Smashing Pumpkins. The video looked alright, but I could care less about that. It's the lyrics I'm getting at. The video started with some funny looking guy in a "Zero" shirt who said, "The world is a vampire." Finally! Someone who relates. The world, no, better yet, society is a vampire that sucks everything out of a person and leaves him or her just like society. Not only that, the victim is a slave. I'm sure you've seen "Interview With a Vampire." In other words, SOCIETY ASSIMILATES TO THE WORST DEGREE! Some of you can surely relate. Everywhere I go, I see the victims of society following around other victims of society. Zombies with a sense of what should and should not be cool. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to the malls! Everyone there has had their sense of individualism sucked dry. There are cliques, couples, gangs, loafers waiting to be assimilated, and of course, somebody's parents. They don't know why they're there, but it's probably to spend money (I'll kill that topic in the future). People wonder why it is that the youth of Amerika are getting dumber. You want to know why? BECAUSE THEY ALL SHARE THE SAME MOTHER FUCKING BRAIN! Sure, not all of Amerika's youth is busy yacking on the phone, eating tacos, and trying on clothes, but the ones who don't sure as hell aren't making up for the difference! I have nothing else to write, the topic disgusts me. c 1997 G. Nih Ton. Reprinted with permission. pg. 14 It's been said over and over that we are born to die. Now my question is this: Seeing as we are going to die anyway, why not do it with STYLE? We have the health nuts telling us to put down our double-quarter pounders with cheese, and pick up our salad forks. We have almost everyone telling us to put out our cigarettes, and chew gum or some other such rubbish. Even today somebody told me i could use a few situps. And my answers to this? When i go to my grave i hope they put that hamburger in one hand a cig in the other and put me in a bare mid-drift shirt so everyone can see that i, if nothing else, enjoyed my life. I only get one (or so i've come to believe) so why not live it up? I'll tell you why... it's the government working to get us under control, they trick some into trying to live "healthy" and others into living "slobbishly" all the while bettering themselves. But where exactly do they fit into this little scheme of theirs? Right in the middle they try to do both, and it kills them slowly. My momma always said you can play on either side of the fence, but you can't play on it. Remember kiddies, war is reality and peace is simply a figment of the good guy's imagination. pg. 007 One should wonder why it is that there are not more outcry with this mockery we call a justice system. I suppose that there was some sort of faith restored when Timothy McVeigh was convicted of eight federal employee deaths. If anything, I have lost hope of ever having to feel safe with my life in the hands of law. Most surely, I'll be left to die. I'm not saying that McVeigh is innocent or guilty, that's not my point. My point is that no matter what, he was guilty. Even if he was the Pope, he would have been found guilty. To use an overused cliche, he didn't have a snowball's chance in Hell of getting off. Everyone from the almighty government officials in Washington to McVeigh's first grade teacher's next door neighbor's dog's vet had him convicted, and like the faithful lapdogs of CNN we swallowed the nasty propaganda surrounding his guilt. What I would like to know is if all of those relatives of the dead actually knew if McVeigh was THE guilty party before they started yelling at him with venomous vehement. It is almost tragic that there is no longer a conceivable way to fairly try a man for a crime. It is sad that the moral of this story is so pessimistic in a time when we need optimism to cure the other atrocities not necessarily caused by the legal system, but are most definitely associated with them. That moral, my friends, is that the media has too much power. Only something like that would possess such a power to convict an unknown man of a crime before his name is officially mentioned as a suspect. This isn't a media bashing retrospect, but it is a portrait of a corrupting influence in today's society. It would be wrong to just go off and blame them for everything wrong with society, but I am in the right by saying that the media held the life of a man --who may or may not be guilty-- in its collective hands and just balled it up into a fist. Some may say that the justice system worked and a guilty man was convicted. How do we know that? Let me ask you this: Would you let the (by now) most hated man in the world walk away from a crime so horrendous that you wonder how you'll be able to explain to your kids how God can let such a thing happen, when the eyes of the world are bearing down on you to hurry up and decree that man guilty as sin itself for a crime just as ugly? Anybody in his right mind would be smart would just take the guy out back, shoot him, and call it a day. If the media had done just as it should have, then all you would have heard was "Authorities have found a suspect in the Oklahoma City bombing. In other news..." Unfortunately, it was much more than that, and the authorities were lucky that the media hadn't ruined the surprise and told them who, before they found out. With all of this, curiosity has me wondering: who were we going to riot against if they found him not guilty? The gun toting, bomb making, not afraid to lose anything (including their families) anarchist ready to relive Waco? That would've been great media footage. pg. 969 On behalf of the staff here at SDM, I would like to take time out to break the first rule we have made here for ourselves. I would like to pledge support for that great conglomerate Nike. Yes, Nike, the Microsoft of pedestrian wear. Why do they deserve such an honor? Well, because they know how to treat their workers properly. Yes, in the tradition of Marie Antoinette and Imelda Marcos, Nike has done its best to treat the common man as this capitalist god feels they should be treated. In this case: $.20 less than what the common man should be earning. I know what your thinking. This is sarcasm. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not sarcasm! I believe that Nike's doing the right thing by depriving 40,000 Indonesian workers of an extra $.20 a day. In fact, let's not call it depriving, let's call it smart business procedure. After all, the minimum wage in Indonesia is a steep $2.36 a day. Man, those third world citizens are greedy! I can't believe those people work 10 hours a day and then have the nerve to ask for an extra $.20. What are they eating over there, rice? Well, I believe that Nike, with profits most assuredly in the billions, was right to ask for exemption from the newly implemented minimum wage law. Such a hardship would knock the company out of competition with some of the other major shoe manufacturers, Ked and Cuga. Remember what Nike has taught us: If you let them nibble at your fingernail, the next thing you know they'll be going at the bubble gum you stepped on with your brand new $180 shoes. pg. 113.5 Since we had nothing else better to do, and really felt that showing how much time we have to waste is important, we decided to compile a list of actors who do a real good job of portraying villains. Normally, we would throw a topic in the air and let the readers assist in compiling list, but most of you weren't here for the sleepover so we couldn't ask you, now could we? Since you weren't available we developed an easy list where the actors are shoe-ins for such a category. There are others who should've been added, but weren't and we regret this, so we're sorry. We did our part of compiling so at least read it! Included in the parenthesis are the parts that got them there, for us. 1. Gene Hackman (Crimson Tide, Superman IV, etc., etc., etc.) Honorable Mentions (or major one timers who just weren't eligible for the top 10): Rodney Dangerfield (Natural Born Killers. He helped spawn murderers.) Now you can join the sleepover: Let us know which musician you wanted to take the place of Cobain. Sorry, Yanni, Michael Bolton, and John Tesh are excluded. And it's too late for the Spin Doctors. pg. 1 Here we are ladies and germheaded weasels, the moment you've all been waiting for. The Armchair Critic Report. Everything else is crap. Especially now that you're reading me. It is here and only here where you will find the least B.S.'d thought provoking critique of what it is that the pop culture is being saturated with. I promise to always cut to the chase by not concerning myself (or wasting your time) with details! Who needs 'em? Of course, if I paid close attention, you'd probably get the details. Besides, the knowledge I offer requires no brain usage whatsoever, so just settle on back and be prepared to be awakened. The topic today kids is the new Puff Daddy/Faith Evans/112 video "I'll Be Missing You," the tribute to the late Notorious B.I.G. This is perhaps the most confusing video I have ever seen. I suppose that it was always Biggie Smalls' dream to see Puff dance in another video while mourning a loss. We all have our own ways of coping, I suppose. There are three things I just don't understand: I. What is the purpose of Daddy Mac Combs crashing on a motorcycle? Wasn't Chris Wallace killed in a suburban? Forgive me since I am unable to draw the parallels; 2. Why is Faith Evans in the video? I thought they broke up, hence, "Get Money" (a Junior M.A.F.I.A. song directed at Faith and 2Pac, also known as the Jesus Christ Superstar, Makeveli, or so I thought). If anything, the message of the song is delivered with that presence alone. It's as if she's saying "Hey, no hard feelings." If that's the case, then there's a message delivered and signed for; and C. The little kids dressed in white. Are they recruits? New Bad Boy artists, are they running out? Why do they sit in the nice, green grass? A statement perhaps. "We are tired of the white guys going into the rap market, so we soil you." I doubt it, but explain the hill. And the dancing Dutchmen in the background dancing to the music of "Fields of Gold." I don't expect many of you to have seen that one, since it was on Super Dewey's Hyperactive Super Subliminal Remix Dance Cut. It only comes on early in the morning, when I like to nit-pick everything. What a coincidence. Okay, so I gave you some details, but not the ones you noticed, I hope. pg. 6 None of us at SDM have ever claimed to be upstanding citizens, pillars of a misbegotten community, and so we don't issue judgement easily. I have to get that in before discussing principle. Society has neglected that the fact that there are certain principles, I daresay, that you never mess with. That may sound cryptic but on television these days (or as our old friend G. Nih Ton put it "the square god"), I can see that priority and value things have placed on them is terribly confused. As an example, a few of us at SDM made a point of asking as many people as we could: "If you someone shot your child and your dog, which would you be more upset about?" Now the person who is honest is going to say the dog. Dogs are loyal, don't talk back, don't require college tuition, clothing, psychiatry, and can't sue, among other things. You kill the kid, OK, I'll get over it. Kill my dog, and I'll find you. I am trying to make this point because last night while watching E! ( I know, I know, but think about it. If I had the bad taste enough to admit that that channel was even available to me, what make you think I wouldn't put the little exclamation point?), this guy (I can't even remember his name: Billy Bob something or other) was suing his wife in order to have the Oscar he won for screenwriting returned to him. His wife blatantly refused on the basis that she earned the coveted prize because she tolerated BB's abuse of her and their children. Honestly, I could care less what he did. But nothing and I mean nothing warrants taking someone's Oscar away from them. Especially one given for a written work, not some teary-eyed acting preformance. I'm not taking sides, but here at SDM we are formally against giving awards for stupidity, which is evidently what she think's her toils have afforded her. The Future Hit List of America: Our staff. You may already hate them, but it has taken us years to develeop such a hatred. So, if you want to know who it is who will be giving you your mental strife attacks, here goes:
Not to sound corporate or anything, but this is the way it goes. The newsletter and its concept belongs to Mongoose Type Entertainment. Anything written belongs to the respective authors, so please don't go ripping any of us off. We're not getting paid for this, and you shouldn't either, so don't be an asshole, go write something yourself. Give credit where credit's due. Everyone here does what seems to be a good job, so all we're asking is that you respect that. |
|
