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Uncle Sam Wanted Us

For a limited time only!

Ladies and gentlemen, we implore you.  It is not everyday that an esteemed publication such as SDM recieves the opportunity to do something like interview Uncle Sam, the icon of Americana.  All in all this was a fun interview and we hope that it shines through. 

On top of mutual enjoyment, Uncle Sam was not hurt or forced in any way.   We asked he came, and he answered some pretty good questions.  Perhaps the best part about this interview is that, unlike the Santa interview, there were alot more than just the standard interview.  What also happened in the interview, but was only included for subscribers was the all important, game of the minute WORD ASSOCIATION!   That's right, Uncle Sam on things that may or may not have any connection whatsoever.  It's a six degrees of Kevin Bacon from Hell.

the Uncle Sam interview

SDM: First things first… Are you a jew?

Uncle Sam: No

SDM: Is this fact?

Uncle Sam: Yes.

SDM: You just aren’t ashamed and trying to deny it?

Uncle Sam: Right.

SDM: Right about what?

Uncle Sam: I’m not a jew, young man.

SDM: What’s wrong with being jewish?

Uncle Sam: Nothing.

SDM: Well, quit picking on the faith. Anti – semitism is not cool, man!

Uncle Sam: I didn’t say it was.

SDM: Then quit acting like it is.

Uncle Sam: Enough of this. Next question!

SDM: Don’t get pushy with me, old man. Just because you came here under your own control doesn’t mean I have to tolerate any rude behavior.

Uncle Sam: I am not being rude. I just don’t enjoy the implications you have made.

SDM: There is no need to make my questions derogatory. I ask you a question about your faith and you start bashing judaism.

Uncle Sam: I did not.

SDM: Now that we’ve resolved that, time for our second question. Do you think we’ll ever have another "Vietnam?"

Uncle Sam: How do you mean?

SDM: Belligerent citizens and draftings.

Uncle Sam: Hopefully not.

SDM: Do you think it’s possible?

Uncle Sam: Aren’t we respected enough as a world power that the thought of war seems ridiculous to anybody who wished to cause a disturbance in the peace process?

SDM: I’d do it.

Uncle Sam: Do what?

SDM: Fuck with the peace process.

Uncle Sam: For some reason, I’m not surprised.

SDM: Next question smart ass: Who killed Kennedy?

Uncle Sam: Is that relevant anymore?

SDM: Not really, but you should know.

Uncle Sam: It was Oswald.

SDM: Right. And the government didn't spray civilians with LSD in the
sixties to test it or some other crazy ass conspiracy.

Uncle Sam: You are childish and sending a wrong image to America’s youth.

SDM: Forgive me for being different. I had no idea it made a damn bit of difference.

Uncle Sam: I think that’s the problem with today’s youth.

SDM: I thought you were poster cartoon, not a fundamentalist.

Uncle Sam: Wrong. I am symbol for power and --

SDM: Fashion wrongs.

Uncle Sam: You know, I tried to help you guys out with your show of patriotism, but I don’t see where you have any. If the tone of these questions don’t change immediately, I will be forced to ask that this interview be stopped.

SDM: Sorry about that, man.

Uncle Sam: Me, too.

SDM: Okay… Next question: What is your stance on censorship?

Uncle Sam: I’m against it.

SDM:Is Rock n Roll dead?

Uncle Sam: Is that relevant?

SDM: How about gun control?

Uncle Sam: If my life was made into a movie, Charleton Heston would have to play me.

SDM: I guess that’s a pro?

Uncle Sam: Yes.

SDM: Spur of the moment question. Are you the amerikanized version of God?

Uncle Sam: No. What a blasphemous thing to say!

SDM: That’s pretty presumptuous. I was not trying to insult you.

Uncle Sam: That’s not what I meant.

SDM: Good thing you’re only fiction or else you’d end up in hell. Too bad, eh?

Uncle Sam: What?

SDM: Next question! Would you shoot Smoky the Bear?

Uncle Sam: No!

SDM: Fur, meat, friend, or age?

Uncle Sam: What?

SDM: Why wouldn’t you snipe the bear?

Uncle Sam: I have no reason to.

SDM: Well that doesn’t sound very amerikan.

Uncle Sam: What exactly does "America" mean to you, young man?

SDM: Why should I have to explain it to you? You know all about amerika. Next question.

Uncle Sam: I don’t think –

SDM: Why weren’t you taking pictures with King back in the day?

Uncle Sam: The opportunity never arose.

SDM: What? You’re a fucking painting! How could there not be time!

Uncle Sam: Uncle Sam stands alone for a reason. It’s not race. It’s not gender. It’s not religion. It’s the U.S. of A! I am the U. S. of A! We stand alone and walk against all the crud that’s going against us. That’s how we survive and it doesn’t require any publicity shots for the world figure it out. A picture with Martin Luther King wouldn’t accomplish a gosh darned thing other than the fact that it would look like some lame, too late for a difference attempt at appeasement. I am Uncle Sam, not a mediator of peace.

SDM: You know, I almost want to stand up and say the pledge.  By the way, could you please refrain from saying "U.S. of A.?"  That is so fucking irritating. 

Uncle Sam: I'm sorry.

SDM: Was that sarcasm?

Uncle Sam: Maybe.

SDM: Well, don't try it too much.  You do a lousy job of drawing a line between sarcasm and sincerity.  Now on to the space program, buster. Isn't it true that the government has had contact with aliens for years, and is in fact hiding a secret alien/government base underneath Groom Lake, Nevada?

Uncle Sam: How would I know something like that?

SDM: Oh yeah, that’s right! Aliens don’t exist, do they? Wink wink. Nudge nudge. I guess this a question closer to what we’re really supposed to believe: How do you respond to the claim that the missions to the moon were fake, and were in fact created by George Lucas in a sound stage on a top secret government installation?

Uncle Sam: That’s preposterous!

SDM: Do you belong to the Japanese?

Uncle Sam: No!

SDM: So, there’s no conspiracy behind that one either?

Uncle Sam: No!

SDM: Then, why have you kept the amerikan public behind the government technologically?

Uncle Sam: I have no control over any of that!

SDM: Of course not. Are you married?

Uncle Sam: No.

SDM: Didn’t you ever date Rosie the Riveter?

Uncle Sam: That’s is probably the dumbest thing you’ve said to date.

SDM: You’d be surprised. How about it?

Uncle Sam: No!

SDM: C’mon, just between friends.

Uncle Sam: NO!

SDM: Are you turning red? Blushing. I think I get you buddy?

Uncle Sam: You get nothing!

SDM: You know Sammy, can I call you Sammy?

Uncle Sam: If it makes you feel better?

SDM: It doesn’t, but I say it anyway. Sammy, I’m almost out of questions, and I realize that you’ve been busy as of late, so I’ll hurry this up for you. What can we expect of you in the future?

Uncle Sam: Nothing that I haven’t already done!

SDM: Which is?

Uncle Sam: Symbolizing America in every positive way imaginable. The same thing I’ve been doing ever since I came into existence.

SDM: How beautiful. I’ve noticed one thing however. You haven’t used your trademark.

Uncle Sam: There’s a reason for that.

SDM: Touché. C’mon, just once.

Uncle Sam: I will not amuse you.

SDM: But you already have.

Uncle Sam: The answer’s still "no!"

SDM: Well, if it’s like that; your last batch of questions… Do you want homosexuals?

Uncle Sam: No!

SDM: Do you want jews?

Uncle Sam: Enough of that.

SDM: Enough jews?

Uncle Sam: No!

SDM: Don’t you mean yes?

Uncle Sam: NO!

SDM: Do you want blacks?

Uncle Sam: Why not?

SDM: So you want blacks to die in your military? Before the whites, I presume.

Uncle Sam: That is a very racist assumption!

SDM: If you don’t want us to connect the dots, then don’t throw the dots out to begin with. Well Sammy, I’m out of time here, so I have to call this one quits. It’s been fun and thanks for being a willing participant in our show of patriotism here.

Uncle Sam: Where?

SDM: Good one, old man. Stick to being the straight man and you’ll do alright. Maybe we can get together and see how your career progressed.

SDM: Okay Sammy, next year it is, then! Have a good one.