Note: This interview was hell. Sure, he got drunk, but he is really a bitter old man. If you are wondering why we have no pictures. The answer comes in three parts. 1.) We were lazy. 2) We had no camera. 3) He said he couldn't be captured on film. Bullshit, right? WRONG! He didn't show up at all in the mirrors we had at the destination. That was kind of scary, but at the same time, there still is a mystery to this man we affectionately refer to as asshole. It may sound like hate, but we love the old guy. Not really, but the psuedo-Xmas feeling is getting to me.

In case you were wondering, we did let him go after he sobered up. If you don't get any presents, don't blame us.

SDM: Are you ready santa?

Santa: I don't know what you want with me.

SDM: Just a few questions, that's all.

Santa: What kind of a questions.

SDM: Think of this is nothing more than an interview

Santa: Only after you promise to let me go.

SDM: Sure, no problem.

SDM: Let's first start off with the basics. What is your name?

Santa: I've been called a few. Santa, Kris... asshole.

SDM: You're welcome. We'll just call you nick.

Santa: Okay, but hurry, I do have a schedule.

SDM: Whatever. Let's get serious. Have you ever molested a child?

Santa: Where in the hell. Where in the hell do you get the balls to ask me that.

SDM: Well... it's because I can.

Santa: I love children you bastard. I would never harm a child. Never. Never. Do you understand me?

SDM: Not, really. You didn't answer the question. Have you ever laid a finger on a child?

Santa: No, you bastard!

SDM: As you know we took a poll of questions to get what we got. So, since you claim to love people so much, you won't be shedding the image and giving us the real you.

Santa: Whatever it takes to get away.

SDM: Have fun dreaming. How is it that we found you?

Santa: I was strolling through a mall, getting in contact with my agents.

SDM: The mall santas, I thought they were fakes.

Santa: No you idiots. In every mall there is a custodial staff. At each mall, there are two people who disguise themselves as workers. Sometimes they aren't just staff. They may come off as mall bums or just look to be official.

SDM: Sounds fascinating. Is it really all that enjoyable?

Santa: The fake santas have nothing to do with me. Over the years they have fallen under the guise of hollywood stereotypes such as drug addicts and perverts.

SDM: Is that what it is? I thought had something to do with the only people willing enough to put up with the antics of little kids are alcoholics, junkies, and child molesters. Must've been my mistake.

Santa: Do you have another question?

SDM: Several.

SDM: Another biggie the world wants to know is how old are you?

Santa: I forget.

SDM: Really? So, maybe you'll be able to answer this next question? How old are Mick Jagger and Keith Richards?

Santa: Ask God, that was before my time.

SDM: So, that would make them older than Moses, right?

Santa: Shut up, you bastard.

SDM: Which brings us to our next question? Are you in an alliance with the Devil?

Santa: No.

SDM: Then how can you explain why you and the Easter Bunny are in competition with Jesus Christ? With his life and his death?

Santa: We help to celebrate those major events. Why not enjoy life as you enjoy his?

SDM: That's your excuse? Shame, shame.

Santa: You are an ignorant bastard. You never deserved what you got.

SDM: Which was?

Santa: G.I. Joes, legos, walkie talkies, an Aladdin game, Disney movies...

SDM: Okay, just shut the hell up! We get the picture. Too bad you couldn't see into the future, old man. Pray you get to leave here alive tonight.

Santa: I'm sorry. Did I touch a sweet spot?

SDM: Yeah stick around and see how sweet.

Santa: I've got you [beep]. I know your weakness.

SDM: A miserable childhood? I think not.

Santa: Do you have anymore? I must be going.

SDM: Are you and the Misses gay? Is this a sham being perpetrated to appease the baptist children?

Santa: No, I am heterosexual.

SDM: Then why no kids?

Santa: I have several kids.

SDM: These brats of the world don't count.

Santa: I can procreate. No rules are getting broken.

SDM: What you're talking about is called rape in the real world.

Santa: No, Mrs. Claus and I have brought children into the world. Forty-seven to be exact. We have also adopted several as well.

SDM: Hey man, that's illegal.

Santa: Some children are abandoned and we provide good places.

SDM: Of course you do. Don't be surprised if this leads to an arrest.

Santa: I'm Santa.

SDM: Congratulations. You should be ashamed. Next one Big Boy. Do you know the Reverend Sun Myung Moon?

Santa: No, but I've heard of him.

SDM: What do the heads at MSNBC want for Christmas?

Santa: Several Larry Kings.

SDM: What are your thoughts on the Crying Game secret?

Santa: I was appalled.

SDM: Is rock dead?

Santa: It should be, but I have no control over that.

SDM: How about this one. Has a child ever been bitten by a reindeer?

Santa: Not one of my boys.

SDM: What's with all the milk?

Santa: Dunno. I'm lactose intolerant.

SDM: What do you do with it?

Santa: Nothing, you twit, the parents take care of it.

SDM: What's your favorite movie?

Santa: Grease 2

SDM: Favorite singer?

Santa: Morrisey.

SDM: What did you say?

Santa: Morrisey.

SDM: Pansy.

SDM: You watch wrestling?

Santa: Occasionally.

SDM: Any favorites?

Santa: The Great Muta.

SDM: Japan?

Santa: Americans are drunk with hate and perversion.

SDM: Sounds like a Santa convention to me.

Santa: Bastard.

SDM: Witty.

SDM: What's your favorite Christmas movie?

Santa: The latest version of Miracle on 34th Street. That, and a canadian special I saw.

SDM: Just shut up.

Santa: Forgetting something?

SDM: What's your favorite Christmas song.

Santa: I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.

SDM: I knew it! I knew it! You're a fucking perv.

Santa: No I'm not. Now listen (beep). You will stop calling me a pervert.

SDM: Someone get this son of a bitch off of me!

Santa: You'll go to hell for this!

SDM: Let's get back to some viewer questions. Here goes one you gray haired S.O.B. You ready?

Santa: Just let me get this over with.

SDM: My cousin, Flame, is a goth-satan worshipper. She got a $1,000 shopping spree in New York for Christmas. I'm semi-normal and I got a few sweaters. What the hell were you thinking?

Santa: Do you know her? I'm sure you do, somehow. This is why you get ripped off at Christmas. You go and hang out with trash like this piece of shit

SDM: Watch it fatboy!

Santa: See? These people are responsible for more evil than good.

SDM: Thanks. Here goes another one.

Santa: Hurry.

SDM: Whenever I ask people about how you manage to fly or get to every house in the world, people tell me it is because you're magic. So Santa [if that's your real name], if you're magic, why should I have to tell you what I want for Christmas?? Couldn't you use your magic to find out what I want?

Santa: You know what you little snot faced punk? You don't have to tell me anything. I know what you will get. Do you think that you decide what gifts you want, you greedy little twit? I am the one behind it all, I get the crap I feel like giving away and manipulate your weak mind into wanting the crap you end up with.

SDM: Alright Santa! Give the old fart a drink.

Santa: What's next?

SDM: We've got a series from Max, our token loser. Let's take it in parts.

Santa: Hurry. I must get to work.

SDM: Santa.

Santa: What?

SDM: You're drunk. You can't fly drunk. Answer the questions and work it off... gradually.

Santa: Hurry.

SDM: Sure, whatever. Here goes, When I was 6 I asked for Teddy Ruxpin, I got a Pink Etch-a-sketch?

Santa: I never liked that snivelling little shit.

SDM: Next part: Why did I get a undersized dress when I was 10, when I really wanted some Roos?

Santa: I don't like him at all. Never did. Never will.

SDM: It continues: When I was 11, I asked for a GI-Joe Devilfish. What I got, Santa, was a My Kid Sister? Why, Santa?

Santa: I'll probably hate his children. His parents weren't so bad, but this kid. What a prick.

SDM: Still going: When I was 12, I asked for a Power Rangers Collector's Set and I got a Barbie Camper. What's the deal?

Santa: Are you that stupid, boy? Get the hint. It shouldn't be that hard.

SDM: And finally: This year I will ask for a Handicapped Barbie, what will I get?

Santa: Now your catching on! It took some time, but know you understand. Good boy.

SDM: What is your least favorite Christmas movie?

Santa: The one starring those damn Olson Twins. Sickening.

SDM: I would've thought you'd like that.

Santa: Be quiet! Be quiet! Shut up!

SDM: Take it easy. Nobody likes you.

Santa: I am loved by many.

SDM: You are just drunk. Ready for the next question?

Santa: I've had enough I want to leave.

SDM: Santa? Who gives better kisses? Reindeer, elves, or Mrs. Claus?

Santa: You shut up!

SDM: Get him into that chair. Answer the question old man!

Santa: No! I am no pervert!

SDM: Of course you are! We just need to see how much of one.

Santa: Give me another question.

SDM: How can i kill you?

Santa: I can't be killed. My life is dependant upon love, faith, trust, and the pleasure I get from what I do.

SDM: Which would be?

Santa: I won't say it. Everything I say is a joke to you. I will not speak. You will leave me alone.

SDM: No way pervert. We know the kids get you off. You're going to jail.

Santa: No, you bastard.

SDM: What's underneath the red and white?

Santa: Longjohns.

SDM: Sure. Next question.

Santa: Not like that.

SDM: Don't worry. We know your sick. That's all we wanted.

Santa: No!

SDM: Yes!

SDM: When you die, who has the rights to your life story?

Santa: That was Oliver Stone's one request.

SDM: It's a sick, sad world. I could see Brian DePalma doing it.

SDM: Another one from the crowd pops! Here goes: What the hell happened to the pony I asked for when I was five?

Santa: You, (beep) were naughty. The writing on the walls, the bathroom incident, and who could forget what you did with your neighbor? You were very bad.

SDM: Sure she was. I don't buy into your bs, old man.

Santa: Go to hell.

SDM: Meet you there. Another one: If YOU are the one responsible for bringing presents every year, why is there a stack of presents sitting under my christmas tree now? It's not Christmas.

Santa: Your family loves you right? Can't they buy you stuff? I don't know why they would buy any for you, but they did. Live with it.

SDM: Not so mean, old man. We're not finished with you... yet.

Santa: Then hurry.

SDM: What did you think of the Ernest movie?

Santa: Appalled, he is a fool.

SDM: Have you ever caused a plane crash?

Santa: Can't answer that one.

SDM: Wow! Which one?

Santa: None. Next.

SDM: Sure. We get you.

SDM: Who's your favorite spice girl?

Santa: Scary Spice.

SDM: Not Baby Spice?

Santa: Shut up!

SDM: Sweet spot.

Santa: Did you like that Cabbage Patch Kid?

SDM: Moving on: Why can't you give world peace?

Santa: The world needs conflict. It's a way of life. Get used to it.

SDM: Okay. The moment you've been waiting for. The last question.

Santa: Get on with it.

SDM: This is a good one. Do you give preferential treatment to kids of different races?

Santa: Not ever. I merely try to accommodate what the parents would be able to afford. I can't outdo the parents. It would benefit none of us.

SDM: Makes sense, because as we all you know, you love all children.

Santa: Shut up!