First off, I don’t have kids. Second, I’ve only babysat twice. My credentials come in the facts that I was a kid, have seen parents interact with their children and I always have this urge to tell parents what they are doing wrong. Therefore, I think I can speak of these things without fear of being wrong. If you think I’m wrong, get a kid and try all this stuff out. Twenty years down the line, you can come back to me and say "Hey, Pete you were right. Thanks, because I have a good kid."

For those who have to edit my stuff, I can’t tell you how long this will take because it just flows with my thought. Several pointers and I don’t know how many. Just cut when you deem appropriate and come back again next issue.

For everybody else, read it and give it to people who might need it or hold it for that special moment.

Let’s make the assumption that we’re dealing with children who have no mental or physical defect. Let’s also make the assumption that these children are at the age of verbal understanding to the point that a minor conversation CAN be held.

What you will read is pretty much the discipline aspect of raising a child. Most of these things must be done before the tenth year. After that time in a child’s life, other things preoccupy the mind. I won’t discuss such things now, but have no fear, a time will come when I will teach you how to guide your child’s teenage years so that he (universal here) will go on to be healthy, productive member of our society.

Without further ado, get ready to learn.

FEAR

Fear is the most important thing when dealing with children. After you’ve done all of the standard stuff with the children (toilet training, speaking, reading, etc.) it’s time for the action. It is best to provide the child with the fear of anything that you think he may attempt doing in his life that you frown upon.

For example, do you want your child to smoke cigarettes? Of course, not. So to embed a fear of such things, get your kid (six seems young enough) and do either one of two things. One: take him to a veteran’s hospital. Where I live at, there is a VA that has a smoker’s tent. Even if you are old enough to smoke (legally) and do, hanging here for a bit will scare the hell out of you. Just drop your kid off for fifteen minutes, then come back and pick him up later. If you want, take your time and go get some dinner or something. The longer, the better. Guess what? I guarantee that after watching people who have smoked the better part of sixty years, your child will be so traumatized a cigarette will be poison.

The second way is if you smoke yourself and want to do the deterring. Take the kid into a room with you and shut the door and any windows. While you smoke a whole pack, cough up mucus, blood (if possible), and spit between every single puff. Scares me just thinking about it.

To keep you kids off of drugs, drop the kid off at a crackhouse and pick him up later in the day. Seeing the crying children will do enough of a job but watching the walking dead will be the nails in the coffin.

As for alcohol, abandon him at a biker bar. This will eliminate many possible evils that that you can just let your mind run rampant on. Seeing bikers do anything scares me, so why not children?

Another fear parents have is that sex thing. Do you want to eliminate the possibility of sex before marriage? Then you have no choice but to listen to me. There are many avenues to take here, so choose one and I guarantee positive results. Suggestions: 1. Hanging out at a syphilis clinic, unsupervised. 2. The John Wayne Bobbit Story: Uncut 3. Get someone who looks similar to Nancy Reagan and someone who looks similar to Rush Limbaugh and pay them to have sex in front of your children for a whole day. 4. Hammer to the balls for the boys and circumcision for the girls. If all else fails, lock them in a closet every time there is a hint of arousal from anything remotely sexual. How do you know? You be the judge.

CONDITIONING

Conditioning helps to mold the child’s mind into something that the parent can work with. Without it, then not only will punishing a child be a waste of a time, but raising the child will be as well. There are two important forms of conditioning that a good parent should use if he or she hopes to do a successful job of raising the child. Those two forms are religion and condescension. Without them, the battleground of growth belongs to the child, not the parent.

RELIGION

Religion is a very important factor in the conditioning a child. If anything, this is the first measure you should take in the proper upbringing of your child. How? Rather than tell you how, we’ll go straight into the examples.

"God will strike you down if you touch that cookie."

"God only loves you if you listen to me."

"God doesn’t like that."

"Do you want God to punish you?… Then behave, damnit!"

"Jesus doesn’t love you anymore. GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

CONDESCENSION

Condescension is perhaps the only thing that clearly (mentally) establishes the line between parent and child. It lets the child now that he is still a child and the parent feels superior without necessarily having to raise a hand. When it comes to condescension, it doesn’t really matter what you say as long as you use certain words that establish that your little boy is in a big bad giant world. Words such as "mommy’s little boy" and "baby" are perfect. What also helps are questions that really don’t need an answer, such as "What’s a matter?" and "Did my mommy’s baby get hurt?" You don’t have to care, just throw some melodramatic emotion and bulls’ eye, he’s a toddler again.

HUMOR AND YOUR CHILD

Before I get into punishment, I suggest you enjoy your role as the world’s most important person to your child. Jesting makes the job fun , so do as much as you can. Assuming your child understands such situations, tell him that you are not his parent. Every time you hear the words "mommy" or "daddy" yell at him "Don’t call me that! I am not your parent! Go bug your [other parent]! I’m sure she loves you! [laugh]" Sure the brat cries, but it’s so damn funny. Another fun activity is attaching a nice size price tag to his person. This teaches him a few things, two being that you have a good sense of humor and that he is expendable as a member to the family. Of course, the latter can only be accomplished successfully if you actively try to sell the child. Another thing worth trying is if you and the child are surrounded by complete strangers and you point at an average Joe(sephine) and say "That’s your real [parent], get away from me. I don’t love you."

Speaking of love, have some fun and rather than "I love you" just say that you don’t. And while we’re on the subject of don’ts, don’t call the child by his real name. In the vein of Cosby, come up with something that provides a complex. For example, if the child’s name is, oh say, Max Reagan, call him Suzy. For a child named Jennifer, why not Butch? It is through moments like these that your child can develop a great sense of humor and become the next Jim Carrey.

On second thoughts just play a game with your child that I call Escape from the Sinking Car. It’s fun and it gets rid of the whoopty you can’t give away.

THE PROPER FORM OF PUNISHMENT

While spankings and whoopings have been known to be effective with the Jacksons and others, I think it’s slightly overplayed. While they do work, it inadvertently teaches your child not to fear pain. After the thousandth time it starts to get old and the child learns to resist or brace for the pain. You can do this for awhile, but after awhile you must move on to an even more intimidating form.

First, I suggest a spanking a day for the first five years of life. This accomplishes many things. Routine and pattern are good for a life as a good student and worker, but there are other good points, the best of which being this: Even if the kid is good, he learns that he has to fear of being bad because if he suffers for being a good child, he will catch hell for being bad. While we’re on the subject of spankings and such, let me add that it is important to spank the child as often as possible for his crimes in the company of his own children. The child will be humiliated many times throughout life and it is best if he learns this feeling from the people who love him so he can face with a stiff upper lip.

Let me take this moment to change something I just said. Spankings and whoopings are good. Don’t stop because eventual toleration of physical pain would be bad, so as the years go on try to intersperse such punishments with other forms of parentally induced correction. My favorite is the closet. For children, one must remember that the dark is a magical and mysterious place where everything seems like The Boxcar Children and The Chronicles of Narnia. While it can be good it can also be dark, evil, and if the imagination’s right… deadly. That’s right, lock the little whippersnapper in a closet for bad things.

But when should you do this?

I suggest doing this for crimes that involve fighting (but done after a spanking), not eating vegetables, being a stingy little prick, thievery, and anything else that could evolve to a life of felonies and degeneration. I suggest closet time of no less than thirty minutes.

HOW YOU SHOULD FACE OTHER CRIMES COMMITTED BY THE CHILD

Childhood guarantees that there are certain actions that a child will commit more than once in his or her life. Do you know why? Because parents have never been privy to my knowledge. Now that they are, such actions will be committed only once if the directions are followed. What follows are some of the more popular crimes that children commit during childhood and how you can put a stop to them.

One of the greatest crimes against humanity is that of the idle refrigerator patron. This starts at childhood and develops into a stronger habit as the years go on. There is only one way to handle this problem. Every time you come across your delinquent doing this hit his knuckles with a yardstick (sneak up and do it McGuire style) and after the look of horror grab that little bastard and throw him in the closet. I suggest a thirty minute period of solitary.

Another biggie parents face with children is the use of profanity. It used to be that a bar of soap was enough to kill that problem. Not anymore. Kids are badasses and must be treated accordingly. Let the punishment fit the crime. This is what you do. First off, take a massive dump (in the toilet, you evil people), but don’t flush and bring the filthy mouthed shit into the bathroom and sit him in front of the toilet. After one hour of this, he should be fine.

Another crime of children pointed out by Cosby that has helped me in my pursuit of finer parenting isn’t necessarily thievery, but it it’s not good. When a child drinks from your drink or eats from your plate, it presents quite a predicament. What’s a parent to do? Simple. Mix ex-lax in with your food and/or drink and pretend to sample it. That way the child will know it’s yours. After the diarrhea has subsided let him know what you did and why you did. Repeat until successful. Most likely that’s the first AND last time.

Running in the house is a serious crime that can be ended by booby trapping the house with fishing wire and/or waxing the floors. Enough said.

How does one get a boy into the habit of lifting the toilet seat up when he takes a leak and putting it back down for his sisters/mother when he’s done? Well, it’s a tough one that, just like neutering a male dog before he lifts his leg to piss or else he’s loss to the habit forever. Well, it’s a two parter that will save you a lifetime of trouble. For putting the toilet seat down, it goes like this. Once he is able to go to the bathroom by himself, make him go without the aid of a toilet seat for a period of no less than one week. As far as lifting the seat up, you, the parent, must decorate the seat with urine and make the boy use it. After that, make him clean off the seat with his hands and if hasn’t gotten the point after the first time, make him clean it off with his own clothing that he must wear for a day. I would suggest doing this when the child does not have to school or else he will be placed in a very embarrassing situation, and you would not want that.

Perhaps the one thing that really pisses a parent off is a child that will not shut up. How do you solve that one? Glad you asked because I have the answer. First off grab the little pint sized band from hell and shake him up for a bit. Do this after three attempts of "Will you please be quiet?" Another note to make: surprise is your friend here, sneak up and grab him. After that strap his mouth with duct tape and place the child on a chair that has been placed right next to the largest speakers in the house (stereo, tv, radio) and turn on something that you are sure the child hates. Make sure it’s not boring and could kill a rodent if loud enough. Adjust the volume so that it’s loud enough that you must yell to be heard clearly (note: this does not necessarily mean full blast). Place cotton in your ears so that the child can see you do it. Yell a conversation with a child about something he would love to discuss. Laugh and say you can’t hear him. He won’t be able to respond and that makes it even better. I’ll let you judge when the punishment should end.

Before moving on, it is important that I stress that whenever punishing a child, a parent must make it clear why he is being punished, or else it may happen again. Either that, or the child will become confused and think that he is being abused. Either way it cancels out the role that good parenting such as this plays.

SIGNS OF GOOD PARENTING

Many of you are probably wondering "How do I know if I’m doing this right?" Let me tell you how.

The first sign should be his behavior. Has the child committed the crime again? If not, you’re doing it right. Considering that that’s the point of punishment, it’s an obvious positive sign.

Another sign comes in the way he speaks. If he’s become soft spoken, then it’s working. If he’s naturally that way, then expect no speaking whatsoever. There is NOTHING WRONG with this, you just have a well behaved child.

There is also another sign that tells you have gone above and beyond the bar of parenting and that’s if you get calls from other parents telling you that your child is so well behaved that it just rubs off on their children. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

WHAT IF IT DOESN’T WORK

If it doesn’t work, then YOU SUCK AS A PARENT! The knowledge I have given you is based on years upon years of being a child who never got into trouble. It is also based upon years upon years of watching kids who did get into trouble because their parents couldn’t cut it as good parents. I have a problem with such people which is why I want to help all parents raise well behaved children. If I can do that, then I have done my job. In other words, I know what the hell I’m talking about and you don’t so listen to me, not years of failed attempts by parents who raised… you. If you follow my instructions, then not only will you do a good job, but your children will learn by example.