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These are nothing more than supplements written by staff members of SDM in whole, part, or individually. They all fit in well with what it's all about here. Just feel free to read them but remember the copyright belongs to the respective author(s). No need in us getting ripped off. |
In Our Midst... A Murderer Ladies and gentlemen, what you are about to read is history. Ever since the fateful evening when world’s beloved: Princess DIe died in a car wreck, there has been speculation on what has caused it. Some say alcohol. Others the paparazzi. Another plot that has been hatched was that the Princess was killed by none other than us, the regular, everyday people of the world. Many of us here at sdm like to latch on to that last theory. With that in mind, we have gone and sought out one of her murderers for an exclusive interview. Because of this claim to fame, we have had to gone to great lengths to keep him from following the path of other notorious murders such as Lee Harvey Oswald and the people caught for killing Malcolm X. Well, at least until the interview has been posted. After that, we’ll be glad to set him up, but until then he is to be known as Junior Life. Why? Because it is nothing like his real name. And just in case you were wondering, the interview is legit and this guy does not work for sdm in any capacity… yet. I would like to take this moment to thank you, Junior Life for taking the time to be interviewed about this obviously traumatizing subject. I don’t want you to go through more damage than possible, so let us just get started. SDM: What is your earliest memory of the Princess? Jr. Life: That stupid wedding of hers to the guy with the big ears. I thought it was a special airing of some demented Grimm Fairytale where the cute, young chick marries the old ugly guy. But when I tried to change the channels, it was on every one of them.SDM: Where were you when you got the news that the Princess had Died? Jr. Life: I was home watching my videotapes of the JFK assassination.SDM: What was running through your mind when you heard the news? Jr. Life: Why would the American government want to kill her? Why wouldn’t they want to kill her? Perhaps they knew that Clinton had targeted her as his next sexual tryst and Hillary ordered the hit!SDM: How long did you cry? Jr. Life: The only crying I did was when the coverage of her funeral cut into the college football game I wanted to watch.SDM: Do you fear for your life knowing that you have been blamed for the death of the princess? Jr. Life: Who me? You must be confused. I'm a writer, not a photographer.SDM: If you had it all to do over again, what would you do? Jr. Life: Get satellite TV so I could get to watch the football game.SDM: Exactly how close were you to the Princess? Jr. Life: I’d say we were always at least a few thousand miles apart.SDM: Is that supposed to be some sort of an alibi? Jr. Life: I need no alibi for it is a well known fact I would never ever go to France. I am allergic to frogs and Jerry Lewis films make me ill.SDM: How did her death affect you? Jr. Life: I felt someone needed to take up her causes in this traumatic time, so I became bulemic and slept with my riding instructor.SDM: Did your family suffer because of your suffering? Jr. Life: Well, they didn’t like the horse that was in the house due to the fact that I needed to have a horse in order to have a riding instructor to sleep with.SDM: How does it feel, knowing that this woman whom you’ve obviously heard of was being exploited like she was a surviving septuplet? Jr. Life: There are still surviving spetuplets out there!!!SDM: Some people blame the paparazzi for the Princess’ death. Others blame ‘us.’ Who do you blame for her death? Jr. Life: The Cubans, the Mafia and Oliver Stone. In precisely that order.SDM: Why? Jr. Life: Duh! Isn’t it obvious?SDM: Speaking of Oliver Stone, how do you think he will profit out of this tragedy? Jr. Life: In a few years, he will make a long, boring film about it. Except he will change the setting to South Vietnam, include a scene with a drugged out Iundian walking through a desert and then blame it all on Toomy Lee Jones who plays a character wearing a god awful wig.SDM: If you could say anything to Prince William and that other one, what would you say? Jr. Life: If you can get any with one of the Spice Girls, go for it.SDM: Speaking of the Spice Girls, what do you think anything of the following coincidences: Chuck getting patted on the bum, DIe dying, Chuck’s widow-ment, Williams possibility of becoming the next king, and Ginger Spice leaving the Spice girls? Jr. Life: Plans within plans within plans. That is a key line from the book "Dune" which ironically, is all about the manufacture of the Spice and a young male taken over the thrown. Coincidence? I think not!SDM: Will you ever read another tabloid? Jr. Life: I lived in New York for 27 years. The daily papers there are worse than tabloids.SDM: So, you’re saying that there’s a difference? Jr. Life: The only difference is that the NY papers have comics and show more cleavage.SDM: What do you think of the blatant use of the death at the MTV video awards last september as a poignant moment getter? Jr. Life: Well, it beat having to watch that damn Puff Daddy win another friggin award.SDM: What do you think of the Elton John song? Jr. Life: I hate it so much, I wish he had been in the car with her that night.SDM: Then, who would mega profit off of the funeral? Jr. Life: I hear they charged a pretty penny for that casket...SDM: Were you put off by the fact that he didn’t write the lyrics, and on top of that it was a recycled song? Jr. Life: No, I’m put off by the fact that he dresses like a freak and sold out to let Visa use one of his songs to hock their damn credit card.SDM: Did you buy Candle in the wind 97? Jr. Life: HA!SDM: Is that a HA! I did or HA! Hell no!? Jr. Life: HA as in hell no, if I’m going to piss something away let it be my urine in the toilet rather than my money in a record store.SDM: Did you buy any of the special mainstream mags that boasted the Lady on the cover? Jr. Life: Yeah, right.SDM: In your opinion, who has made a more lasting impression on this world: Princess DIe, Marilyn Monroe, 2pac Shakur, or The Notorious B.I.G.? Jr. Life: Well, with Clinton dropping his pants like a frat boy on holiday, I can’t really be sure, but I’d say Marilyn cuz she’s the only one to sleep with a president. And not just any president, but JFK, the man who was killed by the same people who killed Princess Di.SDM: Which would be? Jr. Life: All I can tell you is this.... watch Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while playing ABBA’s greatest hits (the album, not the CD, this is crucial!). Halfway through, take out Charlie and put in any Marilyn Monroe film. Then read a copy of "George". JFK, Jr’s mag. All the pieces will come together for you by the time the credits roll.SDM: Would you give your life so that the Princess DIe could be here with us today? No. SDM: How can you sleep with yourself, knowing that you don’t posess the courage to save the world from hours upon hours upon hours upon… (thirteen minutes later) upon hours worth of a two minute shot of a car wreck, and the life of a lady that who’s only real claim to fame is being the patron saints of hopelessly romantic women that spend hours upon hours (twenty minutes later) upon hours wasting away with the fantasy of fabio and a stick of butter? Jr. Life: I’m a pretty sound sleeper.SDM: Do you have any feelings on the Princess DIe gravesite exhibit on an island? Jr. Life: Yes, I hope there is a storm and the ferry carrying all those uneducated, dentally challenged Brits is capsized, killing them all and freeing up a little more space on the planet.SDM: Do you hold Dodi responsible for anything? Jr. Life: He shouldn’t get to have sex with someone that attractive.SDM: Did you watch the marriage of DIe and Chuck? Jr. Life: Yes, but like I said, I thought it was a braodcast of a Grimm fairytale.SDM: Why? Jr. Life: Cuz it was the olny thing on.SDM: So, I guess that you aren’t interested in the fact that that Romance Movie Classics is showing it repeatedly? Jr. Life: I’m pissed that I can’t get Comedy Central so I can watch South Park.SDM: Do you have any plans to visit the DIe burial site? Jr. Life: No.SDM: Do you think that the Princess will ever be forgotten? Jr. Life: Not if people like you keep printing memorial issues.SDM: Will you try to profit off of the Princess’ death? Jr. Life: Like you? Nah.SDM: Do you look down on us
(sdm) for interviewing you about such a sensitive SDM: There's
been a lot of talk lateley about musical artists such as Madonna SDM: What do you think of the possibility that you may be the last person to be interviewed about the death of Princess Die? Jr. Life: Not a chance. I hear they’re planning on making her an honorary Spice Girl and the marketing machine will go on and on and on. SDM: Do you see a possibility in a line of t-shirts in your honor? Jr. Life: Already in the works. SDM: Do you think that there are enough charities named after Die? Jr. Life: No. I won’t be satisfied until they turn those crash test dummies in the car ads into Di look alikes. Also, it is my dream to one day fly into the Princess Di Memorial Airport. SDM: Do you have plans to purchase the margarine of the late lady? Jr. Life: Is margarine some sort of slang sexual term, you pervert? SDM: Actually… no. SDM: A scenario that many have been puzzling over is: What if Nicole Brown Simpson had died a year or two later? Do you think that nobody would give a damn about DIe, ergo causing no traffic accident? Or do you think that she would still be followed to death, but nobody would give a damn about the funeral? Jr. Life: Now, who was Nicole Brown Simpson again? SDM: What advice can you give to Prince William and Other Prince about picking up the pieces? Jr. Life: Mom left you lots of money. Have fun with it before you lose your cuteness like Macauly Culkin did. Start a band. SDM: Did you have anything in common with the Princess? Jr. Life: Other than my passion for men with big ears? No. SDM: In your opinion, has this tragedy brought the royal family back together? Jr. Life: Nope. And it’s my feeling that Charles with nmever get the same sort of nookie from that Camilla guy. SDM: Who’s more important: Princess DIe or JFK, Jr.? Jr. Life: JFK, Jr. The son of a great president and a great movie actress like Ms. Monroe will always outshine a cute British chick who just happened to give an ugly old man a woody. SDM: How do you think the world react if Princess DIe had died the same week of Versace? Jr. Life: The economy would have boomed since no one would want to be caught dead wearing the same mourning outfit to both occassions. SDM: How do you look at yourself in the morning knowing that you’ve looked at a picture of Princess DIe in tabloid? Jr. Life: I’m a damn handsome man, son. I’ve got no problems looking at myself at any time of the day. SDM: When you think of Princess DIe, what song comes to mind? Jr. Life: Since I immediately turn the station in search of a Marilyn Manson song, there isn’t enough time to think of her SDM: Right now, we are playing the accident footage in your mind, what song or songs do want for the soundtrack? Jr. Life: MMMMM by Crash Test Dummies. SDM: If Donahue was still around, do you think he would be like Geraldo and devote the remainder of his career to Die? Jr. Life: Nah, Marlo wouldn’t let him. SDM: How do you think Micheal Jackson is handling the death? Jr. Life: I hear he can now only molest six young boys a week because he’s so devastated. SDM: If DIe died before Versace, do you think he would be as devastated by the death as she was by his? Jr. Life: No, the man had no care for human life. All Di was was another living mannequin to wander around in his pinko commie fashions. Why don’t you do an interview on a hero like Andrew Cunanan? SDM: It wasn’t in our budget, so we had to settle for you. SDM: Do you regret that we will never see DIe as a queen? Jr. Life: No, because Elton John is more of a Queen than she could ever be. SDM: Have you ever seen National Lampoon's European Vacation? Jr. Life: Yes, I have. My favorite part is still the game show at the beginning. SDM: Do you find it coincidental that Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase) turned down a dance with the actress playing the Princess and Chevy Chase not showing up at the funeral? Jr. Life: Not at all. Chevy is actually in the room next to me here in the asylum still trying to recover from the failure of his talkshow and wallowing about why he ever left SNL in the first place. The guy's a pain in the ass and he's always trying to steal my jello. SDM: What has been the worst thing to affect your life since the death of the Princess? Jr. Life: My dog got fleas. SDM: There has also been a lot of talk that the Princess was in talks to star in Kevin Costner’s sequel to The Bodyguard. Do you think that this would have helped Costner despite having made a Don Johnson film or is this just a rich man’s attempt at cashing in on a dead horse? Jr. Life: Little do we realize that Costner is the dead horse. SDM: Do you think that it is possible for us to transcend this tragedy and move on to the next stage of life? Jr. Life: What tragedy? SDM: Can the world ever get back to "same?" Jr. Life: Only if all the Tvs in the world were to explode and couch potatoes were avctually forced to get a life. SDM: Would you like to see a Disney take on the Princess? Jr. Life: Take on how? You mean like have Dead Walt take on Dead Di in some sort of steel cage wrestling match? That would be cool! SDM: Can we link Princess DIe in the six degrees of Kevin Bacon? Jr. Life: You link sausage, not Bacon. SDM: Given that you have such a unique knowledge of the Princess and her life what do you think she thought of Marilyn Manson? Jr. Life: The way I see it, Di was in France to see her optometrist about getting some groovy contacts with the Union Jack on 'em. She was a big fan and actually thought her sons sissies for liking the Spice Girls and refusing to rock out to Manson when she was on one of her heroin binges. SDM: How about the recent epidemic of child killers sweeping the states nowadays? Jr. Life: Darwinism as its best. Wipe out the weak while they're young before they can start mooching off unemployment. SDM: How about The First Wives Club? Jr. Life: Never saw it although the ad with Diane Keaton munching on a stogie got me a little aroused. SDM: How about the book The Bridges of Madison County? Jr. Life: Used it as kindling in my fireplace. SDM: In closing, I would like to ask one final question... Do you have any advice for the Prince William's future wife? Jr. Life: Always wear your seatbelt. And read lots of Freud cuz this boy's got major Oedipal problems. SDM: On behalf of SDM, I thank you, your family, and hope that you never have to undergo such a tragedy again. Jr. Life: Ummm, does this mean you won't be sending me emails anymore? Please don't stop! I'll just have to listen to Chevy cry all night then. PLEASE!!! |
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