These are nothing more than supplements written by staff members of SDM in whole, part, or individually. They all fit in well with what it's all about here. Just feel free to read them but remember the copyright belongs to the respective author(s). No need in us getting ripped off.

how to be a cynic
as compiled by the staff of SDM

Do you like to watch people die horrible deaths? Do you enjoy seeing human blood smeared across your dates face? Is it killing innocent animals for the purpose of watching death more enjoyable than winning the lottery? If you're around a dead body, do you have an irresistable urge to "explore" it? Do you often dream of wearing your mother's clothing or bathing in your father's cologne? Well, if you answered "yes" to any of these questions, then we can't help you. In fact, no one can.

For those of you who do not need lobotomies, we here at SDM have compiled this section just for you. Why? Because the art of ridicule and negative hindsight is all but gone, and we would like to spawn a group of brainwashed soldiers to stand on street corners selling roses while giving away our knowledge. And if we can't get that, then we settle for creating a generation of assholes.

According to the New Merriam-Webster Dictionary, a cynic is someone who blames all actions on selfish motives. Yeah, that's true, but that's not all. There's a whole bunch of things you've got to do to be a true cynic. If all we did was blame blame blame where would we be? Certainly not this right here. One must examine their inner self to see what their capable of. Do you cry during movies? Then get out of here, especially the Disney ones. Seeing Bambi's mom get blasted away is the all time test. You don't have to be sadistic about it, but how about instead of crying you yack on about how the hunter was just a pussy and couldn't do anything without the gun. Don't stop there. "Bambi was a fucking idiot! Hell, he was the reason his mom died. That pansy ass hunter should've shot him instead!" Catching on yet? BTW, most cynics are too concerned with inner workings of the world to actually give a damn about Disney movies. After all, they do have the capacity to soften you up (not that we're victims of such things). Now that you know this, you're probably prepared to move on to see what it really takes to be a cynic.

PLEASE NOTE: Some of these may be considered as pointers to being viciously sarcastic or just an exemplary asshole.

What is cynicism about?

• Detesting those who enjoy making more money than you
• Detesting those who bitch about you making more money than them
• Distinguishing between reality and society's reality (fantasy)
• Bitching about reality
• Hating Barney
• Despising Parades
• Realizing that having a site that boasts a Cynical Genius yet is full of ads and plugs for shitty products is the greatest irony to date.

How can you be a cynic?

• Learn to laugh in the face of everything, except stuff that people consider funny. For such occasions, it is best to keep a straight face. (not so much cynical as it is asshole-ish)
• Become familiar with profanity. It's not necessary and some may contend that it takes detracts from the image others have of you. Who the fuck cares what others think? Your not here for the aesthetic appeasement of others.
• Learn how to bitch about real things. Not your hair. Not your nails. Not whether or not someone likes you. Not about your plans being cancelled. That is all bullshit and NO ONE gives a fuck about the drama in your life. The problem is that almost no one gives a damn about what really goes on so you must point it all out. People are dying in Rwanda and OUR govenrnment is doing nothing of importance. Why? How many rich Rwandans do you know of. It's all about the money, baby!
• Find anyone who is happy... figure out why they are happy, find the smallest flaw in that, and run with it, until you have ruined their whole life. Beware that messing with the religiously fulfilled can either backfire or not work at all. For the most part, they refuse all that you say and just keep on smiling. DO NOT KILL THEM! That is exactly what they want. One step closer is one step away.*
• With the exception of the religious fulfillment part (if you are religiously fulfilled, then what the hell are you doing here?), the proceding applies to you also. If you can't be miserable, how can you exert that towards others.
• Perhaps the most crucial part to being cynical is to complain about the media, the antichrist of society. The media is ruining your life and you must tell the world about it, but watch about 4 hrs of TV everyday and listen to your radio in the car while complaining (which explains Rush Limbaugh's success).
• Everyone needs a mission, of sorts. Yours is to hate something. You can find that thing anywhere. Most of us here at SDM hate the media. When you find your thing, develop that hate with a passion, by bombarding yourself with it, and then complain about it incessantly.
• Never boast of your achievement, but accept every insult you incur as a compliment. This is the final "pisser." If this gets to them (after awhile people learn to accept this as your nature), then your mission is complete. But you MUST NOT boast. It only ruins the mood, and your effectiveness is gone.
• Some may see this as an insult, but you've become a social bitcher. A regular bitch is the insult. It means your trivial or a pain in the ass to just about anybody. A social bitch hase become en vogue. Somehow, they make the best comics. Of course, those are the only ones who can sell out, and in most cases, they do.
• You tell the truth and that means you are now a cynic.
• After everyone, and we do mean everyone, is unhappy, then you have committed CYN.

With that you are now ready to go into the world and piss off everybody. Do it well, and when they ask where you got these ideas from blame it on the subliminal messages you "derived" from watching reruns of Entertainment Tonight that your mother taped because of her obsession with John Tesh. If they believe this, you can pump them full of anti media sentiment. After all John Tesh is the Charles Barkley of the media. Sucks at music. Sucks at broadcasting. Sucks at acting. Sucks at motivational speaking. Neither understands criticism when you give it. All in all, they are both savants. Tesh can blind people with that damn smile. Barkley can play ball.

*When you come into contact with the religiously fulfilled, their line of defense if prayer, prayer, and tea. The tea almost never comes into play, but the prayer is only dangerous if they do this to your face. If this happens, you have two options. 1) Dump the tea on their head. Unfortunately, this is a hinderance, not a deterrent. 2) Get the hell out of there! That would be logical, wouldn't it?